Friend Allowed to Bone Fat Chick

Medicine Hat, Alberta - While drinking heavily Thursday night, local man Wes Schmidt developed a keen interest in an overweight (and over-served) female bar patron.  His friends gave their tacit approval to the coupling.

Schmidt’s drinking buddies had engaged in a heated debate about whether to let him go home with the plump girl. But they ultimately voted to allow it to go down, on the grounds that:

1. She’s actually got a pretty decent face.

2. Wes needs some pussy, man. For real.

3. We can totally give him so much shit tomorrow.

After sharing a hearty laugh at Schmidt’s expense, his friends each went their separate ways. Brad and Dave both went home alone to jerk off, and Larry returned to his frigid live-in girlfriend, who vituperated him for his drunkenness and didn’t fuck him.

Experts: He’s Right Behind You!

County Highway J - Police investigators have determined that the mysterious call you just received on your cell phone was made from a phone belonging to that guy you and your friends totally fucking saw die two years ago, but swore to never tell anyone about.

Please resist the urge to pull over at the spooky motel off mile marker 61, or the abandoned campground where those sexy naked teens were slaughtered back in the 80’s.  Don’t you know there’s a crazy hook-handed serial killer on these roads?  You are advised to continue past the Indian burial grounds until you find a creepy rural Sheriff you can place your trust in.  Then you’re sure to be safe.

Your passenger is in no danger, as she’s no hitchhiker at all; she’s the ghost of a girl who died in 1841!  Also, the call came from the backseat of your car!!  Also, you’re the real killer, and you’ve been dreaming this whole thing!!!  Also, Scott called, and he thinks he might have given you chlamydia!!!!

But seriously, you should probably get checked out for chlamydia.

Self-Esteem Activity Page

Obama vs. Fox News

Artist's Rendition

Transcript of President Barack Obama’s Interview With Fox News, 10/26/09

FOX NEWS: Good afternoon.  Thank you for joining us.

PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA: Glad to be here, right in the den of vipers!  I should say right off the bat, I just don’t get your network’s lack of team spirit.

FOX: How do you mean?

OBAMA: Well, the duty of the press in a free society is to unquestioningly support its political leaders, no matter what.  The other networks seem to get that, but you guys just seem to want to spread crazy lies about me.

FOX: We absolutely don’t spread lies about you.  That’s probably just your drug-addled, Marxist, delusional schizophrenia talking.

OBAMA: You are of the Devil.

FOX: Maybe we should just start the interview.  So, “Mr. President,” …

OBAMA: Did you just do air quotes?

FOX: Of course not, Mr. Osama.  But aren’t you systematically dismantling the Constitution in order to eventually declare yourself the infallible god-king of North America?

OBAMA: Hey, speaking of the Constitution, here’s a fun little tidbit: The Constitution explicitly states that treason is punishable by death.  Look it up.  Food for thought.

FOX: Next question: Your contempt for white people, Asians, and the handicapped is well-documented, but why do you derive so much sexual pleasure from videos of kittens having their skulls crushed by fat women in stiletto heels?

OBAMA: I just hope your grandma never needs expensive end-of-life care.  Next question.

FOX: Should the American people be concerned about the very real possibility that you are a “Manchurian Candidate,” whose subliminal programming will be activated when a key phrase is uttered, at which point you will surrender our sovereignty to the Russians?

OBAMA: That question, while proving that you’re as dumb as a duffel bag full of dildos, merits a thoughtful response: Fuck You.

FOX: And isn’t it true that during your time in Indonesia, you lived as a pre-op ladyboy, and competed in Muay Thai tournaments under the name “The Mighty Daffodil?”

OBAMA: Hugo Chavez never has to put up with this nonsense.  What’s his secret?

FOX: I’ll take that lack of response as an admission to being a malevolent extra-dimensional monstrosity here to enslave our children in his nightmarish underground toxic pornography mines.  But I’ll give you the last word. 
Oops, we’re out of time.

White House Brainstorming Session

Official minutes from White House economic policy meeting, 10.17.09

POTUS: Okay, folks, I won’t sugarcoat this: we’re in a pretty grim situation. It’s crucial that we devise new strategies to stimulate the economy, and above all, create jobs. So let’s come up with some ideas. Remember, this is a brainstorming session, so there are no bad ideas. Nothing is off the table at this point.

VPOTUS: Wreck shit up!

POTUS: Joe, we’ve already had this discussion. It’s out of the question.

VPOTUS: Jesus, Barry, you said there was no bad ideas!

POTUS: Fair enough, Joe. Fair enough. But let’s move forward. What have you got, Mr. Summers?

LHS: Well, Mr. President, I think we should consider diverting some of the stimulus money to large-scale public works projects. Granted, this is not a long-term solution, but it would provide a much-needed short-term boost to employment numbers, while simultaneously improving our infrastructure in ways that could pay dividends down the road.

POTUS: Excellent suggestion, Larry. Your thoughts, Rahm?

RE: I second Lawrence’s suggestion, Mr. President. But I also think we should consider some intensive urban renewal initiatives. Have you been to Detroit recently? It’s a shithole, sir.

VPOTUS: I’m telling you, wreck shit up! Then people gotta fix it. BOOM! Jobs, bitches!

POTUS: Joe, I’m not going to tell you again. That’s not happening.

LHS: If I may interject, sir, the Vice President’s plan, while inelegantly worded, may not be too far off base. A good number of important social-service programs have fallen into hopeless disrepair due to under-funding during your predecessor’s administration. Re-launching them from the ground up might not be a bad idea.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: *cough* Start a war!

POTUS: Wait, who said that?

POTUS: …

POTUS: You!!! God damn it, Dick, how did you even get in here again? We’ve changed the security protocols four times now, and you still keep getting back in here somehow!

UNITENTIFIED MALE: You’ll never get rid of me, you pacifist faggots! The Arabs will eat you alive!

POTUS: Agent Reynolds, Agent Breckman, would you please escort Mr. Cheney out of the building?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You haven’t heard the last of me, fools! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

POTUS: So anyway, where were we? Mr. Emanuel?

RE: Massive tax increases. Those have been proven to stimulate job growth, right?

LHS: Seconded. Massive tax increases on small business owners.

VPOTUS: WRECK SHIT UP, MOTHERFUCKERS!

POTUS: That does it. Go to your corner, Joe.

Obama Figures Out That We’re Broke

Washington, DC - U.S. President Barack Obama recently discovered that America is in ungodly amounts of debt, and can’t possibly afford to fund his lefty pipe dreams.

“I honestly had no idea that China has our balls in a vise,” the Commander-in-Chief admitted.  “But [White House Chief of Staff] Rahm [Emanuel] urged me to look over the books, and Holy Shit, we’re pretty fucked.”

While accepting responsibility for the budget snafu, Obama implied that the First Lady was partly to blame.  “My wife and I have always considered our marriage an equal partnership,” he explained.  “Michelle handles the bills and balances the checkbook; I spout inspiring platitudes in a mellifluous baritone; and Lupe and Inez keep the house clean and raise Malia and the other kid.”

The president later said, wistfully, “I had a lot of big plans for that money I thought we had,” presumably alluding to comprehensive healthcare reform.  “In retrospect, it might be a good thing that I’ve been too incompetent to translate an overwhelming electoral mandate and a bicameral legislative majority into any kind of meaningful accomplishments.”

“And on the plus side,” he noted, “this will probably make it way easier to puss out on that war I used to say was so crucial. You know, Afghani-Whatever-the-Fuck.”

Glenn Beck Cries

New York, NY - Scrupulously nonpartisan Fox News personality Glenn Beck burst into tears on camera Tuesday, because of the “godless socialistic path [Beck] fear[s] this great nation is headed down.” 

Beck, whose core audience strongly opposes gay marriage and pants-wearing women, briefly abandoned his trademark brand of virile, take-no-prisoners masculinity to blubber like a 4-year-old bitch with a skinned knee.

“I just don’t know what’s going to happen,” he sobbed, seemingly oblivious to the snot streams hanging off his face. “I just love this country so much.”

Other situations in which Beck is known to weep openly include weddings, funerals, butt surgery, baptisms, parking tickets, passage of tax increases, paper cuts, Al Franken’s swearing-in as a Senator, toe-stubbing, screenings of Steel Magnolias, and whenever an immigrant gets a scholarship.

And sometimes, “just to have a good cry.”

Local Man Remembers ‘Darkwing Duck’

Danbury, CT - While drinking heavily Thursday night, area man Rick Blevins fondly recalled the Disney animated series Darkwing Duck, insisting with uncalled-for vehemence that “that shit was the shit.”

Blevins became personally offended when several of his fellow bar patrons admitted ignorance of the mid-90’s after-school cartoon show. “How the fuck do you fuckers not remember that shit?!!” he demanded, before the bartender advised him to sit his ass back down and quit shouting at people unless he wanted his head caved in.

“I don’t think they could’ve made The Dark Knight if there wasn’t that show! It was awesome!” Blevins insisted.

One guy actually knew what Blevins was talking about, but totally stumped him with the question of whether Scrooge had fired Launchpad before he became Darkwing’s sidekick, or what.

2009 Nobel Prize Winners Announced

Peace and Not Being George Bush - Barack Obama (U.S.)

Chemistry and Not Being George Bush - Venkatraman Ramakrishnan, Thomas Steitz, Ada Yonath, (U.S., Israel)

New Sitcom and Not Being George Bush - Community (NBC)

Literature and Not Being George Bush - Herta Mueller (Germany)

Fuckability and Not Being George Bush - Bar Rafaeli (Israel)

Physics and Not Being George Bush - Charles Kao, Willard Boyle, George Smith (England, U.S., Canada)

Not Not Being George Bush - George Walker Bush (U.S.)

Physiology or Medicine and Not Being George Bush - Elizabeth Blackburn, Carol Greider, Jack Szostak (U.S.)

Pot Humor and Not Being George Bush - Doug Benson (U.S.)

Lifetime Achievement in Fucking Awesomeness and Not Being George Bush - Lemmy Kilmister (England)

Man Still Waiting on Obama’s Chess Move

Seoul, South Korea – Barack Obama’s internet pen-pal Lee Byung-Ha has recently expressed frustration at the fact that the U.S. President has taken over 8 months to make his move in their ongoing email chess match.

“Come on, man,” Lee said.  “Just fucking do something!  You still have both your bishops and your queen, dude!  I mean, come on!”

Although White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs stated that “the president has far too much on his plate right now to bother with a silly game of chess on the internet,”  Lee produced reams of recent emails from Obama, in which the leader of the free world dithered over whether or not he should castle.

“I respect the position of your rooks,” one such message read, “but if our knights should come into conflict, their unpredictable L-shaped movements could potentially lead to chaos.  This situation demands further deliberation.”

“I’m getting pretty sick of this bullshit,” Lee said via IM. “BRB, pr0n.”