Alice’s Choice

Disturbing Deleted ‘Star Wars’ Scene

Slylock Fox Investigates Footprints

The Plausibly Deniable Exploits of Doctor Handsome (Vol. VII), Pt. 43

Chapter 43: Club Sandwich With a Side of DEATH, and Coleslaw

As Jimmy Iovine listened to my demo tape, a coke-fueled grimace crossed his face. Eventually, he slammed his headphones down in coke-fueled disgust.

“What the fuck is this shit?!” he bellowed. “This autotune crap is over! It’s not even cool ironically anymore! I won’t even ask if you’re bullshitting me, because it’s played-out even as a punchline!”

“Exactly,” I replied, cool-as-fuckly. “It’s so far past being contemporary that I’m not even following trends anymore; I’m anticipating their next go-round. It’ll be a good 15-20 years until that shit is commercially viable again. That’s just how far ahead of the curve I am.”

“HOT CUNT!” Iovine screamed at his subordinates, hurling his coffee mug at them for emphasis. “This man is clearly a visionary genius! Sign him to an 8-ringtone deal immediately!”

Just then, I got a phone call. It was from my faithful manservant, Thunk-Thunk.

“Jimmy, I’ve gotta take this,” I said. “You go ahead and do some blow while your flunkies handle the paperwork. I look forward to your money.”

“Thunk-Thunk! What news, steadfast companion?” I inquired.

“Mister Doc, robot monkeys break-em into house!” Thunk-Thunk replied. “Me whack-em on head with club, THUNK! THUNK! but there too many! Some get-em away with fancy shrink gun!”

“Egads!” I anachronistically exclaimed. “This can only be the work of my hated arch-nemesis, Senator Manly! Hold down the fort, Thunk-Thunk. I’ll get there as fast as my rocket car and Jimmy Iovine’s cocaine can take me!”

Pictured: Thunk-Thunk

When I arrived at stately Awesomeballs Manor, I was greeted by a gruesome scene. My priceless collection of nude statuary was in shambles, and the freezer door was wide open, leaving my priceless collection of fudgesicles liquefied. I silently wept.

“Thunk-Thunk, are you hurt?” I asked, before quickly adding, “Shut up, you moron, there’s an extra-dimensional vortex opening!”

Just then, the spectral form of Amy Winehouse appeared, beckoning me into the portal. “Doc, you must come with me…”

“Amy Winehouse? Noooo! It’s too soon!” I protested. “This is in really poor taste!”

“Don’t be a bitch,” she insisted. “Embrace the void and know immortality!”

“OK, fuck it.”

Continued in Chapter 44: “How the Hell Did I End Up In Reno, and Where’s My Other Kidney?” or “Fool Me Once, Scott Bakula…”

Tetris Yearbook

Earl Sinclair on Maury

Top Headlines (week of 6/23/11)

• Joe Biden Loses $150,000 In ‘Jackass’ Death Pool
• Study Says 3-D Responsible for Eye AIDS, Narrative Ineptness
• Meteorologists: Mother Nature On The Rag
• WI Governor Scott Walker Proposes Ban On Puppy Breath
• MLB Resells ‘Take Me Out To the Ballgame’ Naming Rights; New Lyric: ‘Buy Me Some Rayovac Batteries and Allstate Insurance/I Don’t Care If Havoc Ever Attacks’
• Obama Calls War Powers Act ‘Way Uptight,’ Claims It ‘Used To Be Cool’
• Gay Commitment Ceremony Turns Small Town Into Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland, As Feared
• Palin Graphically Masturbates On-Camera, Blasts Lamestream Media For Calling It Porn
• WNBA Still a Thing

Experts: The Rapture Happened Four Years Ago

Despite widespread speculation that the End of Days would occur on May 21, 2011, most theologians now agree that The Rapture actually already happened about four years ago, and pretty much nobody even noticed or gave a shit.

Biblical scholars have reached a consensus that the assumption of the righteous into Heaven, as described in 1 Thessalonians 4:17, most likely occurred on June 14, 2007. Unfortunately, it is thought that only four people in the continental United States were deemed worthy by The Lord, and since those individuals were boring and friendless, the event went largely unacknowledged by the general public.

“So these are the Tribulations? Yeah, I guess that seems about right,” said Tea Party Activist/Freelance Apocalyptologist Darrell Givens. “But does this mean Obama is REALLY the Antichrist? Cuz, shoot, I was kinda just talkin’ out my ass when I said that.”

Reached for comment, Growing Pains actor Kirk Cameron issued a terse two-word statement: “Fucking bullshit.”

White House Admits Bin Laden Was Already Dead

(l-r): Silverman, Bin Laden, McCarthy

Washington, DC – In a stunning revelation, President Obama told reporters this morning that Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden has actually been dead since at least Thursday morning. That fact had been covered up all weekend by lovable losers Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman, so they could live it up at the 9/11 mastermind’s bitchin’ party mansion.

McCarthy and Silverman told US forces that when they arrived at Bin Laden’s lavish Pakistani estate (well-stocked with top-shelf liquor, 80’s party jams, and babes, babes, BABES!) early Thursday, they found the infamous terrorist leader dead from an apparent speedball overdose. Determined not to let this development derail The Awesomest Weekend Ever, the affable slackers concocted a wacky scheme to convince their fellow partygoers that the world’s most wanted man was still alive and gettin’ biz-zay.

The subterfuge relied heavily on sunglasses, crude puppeteering, and the obscene amounts of ecstasy and cocaine ingested by Bin Laden’s other party guests. The excuse that the elusive Bin Laden had “had a few too many” proved surprisingly effective. A medically fascinating postmortem priapism even allowed the mass-murdering jihadist to get lucky with a particularly ditzy bimbo.

When the ruse was uncovered by Navy SEALs on Sunday, Silverman gave an impassioned speech in which he admitted that he and McCarthy had made mistakes, but sometimes you want something so badly, you lose sight of how to do the right thing. And sometimes it takes a special lady to remind you of what’s really important.

McCarthy and Silverman are expected to be prosecuted for treason and executed.

Cousin Dave Live Tweets the Royal Wedding

As you may recall, the last time my cousin Dave contributed to Soviet Disco, his performance was less than exemplary. I hadn’t intended to work with him again, but he convinced me to give him a second chance. So I gave him the worst assignment in the world: reporting on the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton via twitter. Here’s what @MothafuckinDave had to say about the nuptials in real time: 

• Man, shits all fuckd tonight.
• Shit, doc’s sent me like 15vtexts like “Where are you?” I’m here, @sovietdisco. I’m doing it. Nothins happened yet.
• Whats with the fucjkin bells, yo? Knock that shit off.
• This shit looks hardcore like a nazi rally.
• When’s Micky Rourk gonna come electric-whip the shit outta these cars?
• these goddam fucin bells are still pissin me of.
• Yay, it’s an old fucking lady. are americans suposed to care that thus bitch still exists?
• i don’t even know what hese brit fuckrs are ta;lking about, but they mentioned arrested Development. So that happened.
• QUeen Elizabeth as: Col. Mustard.
• I didnt know this was tonite. I was in the middlr of some other shit. I gotta take about 5 to deal with somethin. Nothings happening yet.
• OK, IM not actually watching it at the moment, but I’m checking in by phone.it might be a wile til i ccan get back.
• who has a fucking wedding at 4am anyway? That’s a logical time for a drug deal, but shit
• Yea, its definitely a while until i gert bac k to a TV. I assume the wedding is lovely.
• @sovietdisco can you spot me 50 bucks like right now? srsly
•  @sovietdisco for real, hit me back. I cn really use that cash rioght now.
•  @sovietdisco answr your phone check your tweets, fukc9on get back to me. not ajoke
• Holy shit, that was a sketchuy sitation. im seeing the wedding again now, and the prince is like a MOuntie, or what? Nice tits on the bride.
• now its like the munchkins sendinfg dorothy on her way to “Us and Them”>
• So Britain’s just a land of silly ridiciluos makebeleive, right?
• Evry single thhing about england is gay.
• What’s the point of being royalty if the broads on the parade rout dont have there tits out.
• Thwre should be monkeys ridnig tigers. Why arent there?
• its the perfect combination of nazi and hobbit.
• There all hollerin’ for Carson DALy.
• THAT WAS THE PENGUIN! THAT GUY WAS DRESSED LIKE THE PENGUIN!!
• Englands military sucks. the Oakland RAiders could beat up their whole army.
•  @sovietdisco i still need rthat money. soon.
• Wheres’ jOhn Madden to draw dongs on the crowd with thre telestrater?
•  @sovietdisco shit im in julios trunk right now call benny and get him 600$ quick please dude
• beny j not benny f.
•  @sovietdisco godamn it answer me fuck

I haven’t been in touch with Cousin Dave since then.