Man Ruins Thanksgiving by Bringing Disease

Plymouth, MA - According to sources, a pleasant Thanksgiving get-together turned into a debacle when a guest infected the entire household with life-threatening illnesses.

Reports say that Englishman Samuel Smith, visiting America for the first time, was a carrier for numerous exotic European germs his hosts’ immune systems were unprepared to deal with.

“I pride myself on my hospitality, but Samuel totally took a dump on the whole celebration,” stated patriarch John Runningbear. “I knew it was a bad sign when he showed up with a bottle of whiskey as a gift.  Doesn’t he know I’m an alcoholic?”

The awkwardness continued when Smith insisted on leading the whole table in a prayer before dinner, despite the fact that the Runningbears are not Christian.  Throughout the rest of the evening, the unfailingly polite family struggled to ignore their guest’s boorish behavior and frequent offhand racist remarks.

“Wow, that guy was just an ass,” Susan Runningbear said later. “He was really taking advantage of our friendliness.”

At the end of the meal, Smith casually announced, “You know, this is a pretty nice place.  I think I’ll just live here from now on.  So, where are you guys going to stay?”

Pinball Aficionado Refrains from Punching Child

Abilene, KS - While enjoying a spirited round of pinball at Papa Joe’s Pizza Shack on Wednesday, area man Vince Haldeman, 34, admirably held back from physically assaulting a youngster who walked up and asked what the hell that gay machine was.

“What the fff… Really?!… Are you kidding me?!!” Haldeman sputtered.  “This is Theatre of Magic, son, one of the greatest pinball games ever!!!”

The boy, 8-year-old Cody Brighton, expressed disbelief that anyone could derive entertainment value from such a clunky piece of equipment, adding that “It looks pretty shitty to me, man.”  Brighton then popped his earbuds back in and walked away, with the tranny-pop stylings of Lady Gaga drowning out Haldeman’s frustrated growling.

“I’m not the kind of guy who’d ever hit a kid, but fuuuuuck…” Haldeman said.  “I really wish this place sold scotch.”

Oblivious to the skull-denting he narrowly avoided, Cody returned to the tabletop Galaga machine he was eating his mozzarella sticks off of, and resumed texting his dumb little jerkoff friends about the Jonas Brothers or some shit.

Local Woman Ambivalent About ‘Twilight’ Sequel

Reno, NV - Amidst the global media hoopla surrounding the release of Twilight: New Moon, area woman Stacey Cromwell stated that she has no strong feelings about the film one way or the other.

“I don’t know, it looks like it might be OK,” Cromwell said.  “All the guys at my work have been cracking really homophobic jokes about it, and saying it sucks total shit, but I don’t think they’ve even seen it.  On the other hand, my niece has seen it twice already, and she can’t stop raving about how ‘totes amazing’ it is.  But she also loves Josh Groban, so fuck, who knows?”

New Moon, the second film based on Stephenie Meyer’s bestselling series of Twilight novels, has become a worldwide phenomenon, inspiring Beatlemania-style outpourings of devotion from its rabid fan base.  It has also drawn an enormous backlash from its equally-vocal detractors.  Cromwell, however, remains on the fence.

“Those CGI dogs in the commercials look pretty cheesy,” she admitted, “but the guy in it is kinda cute.  I never saw the first one, so I really have no idea what’s supposed to be going on.  I don’t watch a lot of movies.”

Friends say that Cromwell hasn’t been this conflicted since the 2008 presidential debates, when “the black guy was pretty persuasive,” but “that old guy sure seemed to mean business.”

Roof-Raising Unsuccessful

Atlanta, GA - At a hip-hop performance on Saturday night, the audience made several enthusiastic attempts to raise the roof.  Sadly, their efforts met with failure.

Despite MC Jizzy Sizzle’s repeated exhortations to “raise the mothafuckin’ roof,” the crowd proved incapable of altering the building’s structure in any way whatsoever.

After taking careful measurements, municipal building inspector Peter Vang confirmed that the roof hadn’t moved a goddamn inch.  “Yeah, that thing wasn’t going anywhere,” Vang stated.  “It’s pretty safe to conclude that the ruckus was in no way brought.”

Later in the evening, the concert-goers managed to successfully throw their hands in the air.  Unfortunately, they then waved ’em in a manner clearly indicating that they cared.

Man Eats Half a Tin of Altoids

Flagstaff, AZ - While drinking heavily Thursday night, area man Grant Bullock munched down the remaining Altoids in a tin that witnesses described as “at least half full” in one mouthful, astonishing onlookers.  Bullock explained that the action was necessary, as he needed a receptacle for the marijuana he received from his good friend Chester Reinhart.

Reports say that right after Reinhart got Bullock Christ-punchingly high in the alley behind the bar, Bullock started pestering Reinhart to drop him a bud, because he was going to go see Zombieland tomorrow and really wanted to be blazed for it.

Back inside, Reinhart reluctantly agreed to sport him a nickel, and Bullock immediately shoved an ungodly handful of the Curiously Strong Mints™ in his gob, a spectacle which quickly drew a small crowd of drunken gawkers.  The rabble cheered Bullock’s heroic struggle to ingest the overdose of chalky breath-fresheners, while denying him the option of drinking any liquid until he finished.

After Bullock completed the Herculean task, his asshole buddy Jim bought him a screwdriver, insisting he was obligated to drink it.  Ten minutes later, Jim pointed out that Bullock had a cellophane on his smokes he could have put the weed in the whole fucking time, if he wasn’t such a dumbass.

Study: Women are Lying to You

Ann Arbor, MI - Researchers at the University of Michigan have determined that every woman you’ve ever known is a filthy liar with a soul comprised entirely of hellfire.

According to Prof. Cole Denham, the author of the study, “The research is clear: bitches are completely full of shit.”

From your hateful ex-girlfriend who “just need[ed] some space,” to that chick you work with who’s “attracted to nice guys with a sense of humor,” yet fucks that creepy loser douchebag and will never, ever touch your penis, all human beings with vaginas are apparently incapable of honesty.

“It’s unclear whether female duplicity is inherent or learned,” Denham stated, “but the bottom line is that girls don’t tell the truth.  Like, ever.”

Other parties constantly feeding you lines of total crap include advertisers, politicians, cops, your parents, your boss, Christ, and novelty greeting cards.  The only people who ever give it to you straight are your drinking buddies.  And they frequently call you a fag.

TMZ Stalks Perez Hilton

Hollywood, CA - In what numerous theologians are calling an unmistakable sign of the impending Biblical Apocalypse, paparazzi employed by reprehensible misery factory TMZ.com have been relentlessly shadowing irredeemable scumfuck parasite Perez Hilton.

TMZ boss Harvey Levin, risking the creation of a catastrophic interdimensional wormhole of unfathomable douchiness, justified the stalking on the grounds that “being famous for talking shit about people who are famous for being famous is the new Legit Famous.  The People deserve to know what uninteresting bullshit Perez is up to when he’s not reporting on the uninteresting bullshit that other people you’re only vaguely aware of are up to.”

Complicating matters, the issue was discussed extensively on The View, clips of which were roundly mocked on The Soup.  Wil Wheaton then opined about The Soup on his Twitter feed, leading to widespread internet message board debates about Wheaton’s tweets.

Nathan Rabin of The Onion A.V. Club, discussing the reaction to the Wheaton tweets, couldn’t decide whether it would be snarkier to dismiss the whole thing as “incestuous,” or to be all highbrow and make an Ouroboros reference.  He eventually decided to just say “fuck” a bunch and quote the Wu-Tang Clan.  After all, they ain’t nothin’ to fuck with.

Friend Allowed to Bone Fat Chick

Medicine Hat, Alberta - While drinking heavily Thursday night, local man Wes Schmidt developed a keen interest in an overweight (and over-served) female bar patron.  His friends gave their tacit approval to the coupling.

Schmidt’s drinking buddies had engaged in a heated debate about whether to let him go home with the plump girl. But they ultimately voted to allow it to go down, on the grounds that:

1. She’s actually got a pretty decent face.

2. Wes needs some pussy, man. For real.

3. We can totally give him so much shit tomorrow.

After sharing a hearty laugh at Schmidt’s expense, his friends each went their separate ways. Brad and Dave both went home alone to jerk off, and Larry returned to his frigid live-in girlfriend, who vituperated him for his drunkenness and didn’t fuck him.

Experts: He’s Right Behind You!

County Highway J - Police investigators have determined that the mysterious call you just received on your cell phone was made from a phone belonging to that guy you and your friends totally fucking saw die two years ago, but swore to never tell anyone about.

Please resist the urge to pull over at the spooky motel off mile marker 61, or the abandoned campground where those sexy naked teens were slaughtered back in the 80’s.  Don’t you know there’s a crazy hook-handed serial killer on these roads?  You are advised to continue past the Indian burial grounds until you find a creepy rural Sheriff you can place your trust in.  Then you’re sure to be safe.

Your passenger is in no danger, as she’s no hitchhiker at all; she’s the ghost of a girl who died in 1841!  Also, the call came from the backseat of your car!!  Also, you’re the real killer, and you’ve been dreaming this whole thing!!!  Also, Scott called, and he thinks he might have given you chlamydia!!!!

But seriously, you should probably get checked out for chlamydia.

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