Word to Your Mother

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The Gettysburg Address, as delivered by Donald J. Trump

“Many years ago, some people say 100 years ago, it’s a long time, believe me. Some guys, very smart guys. Very smart. They made America. And this was fantastic. I mean, you want to talk liberty? And it was all equal, very equal.

Now we’ve got some bad hombres who don’t like it. And they’re fighting us. It’s very bad. A lot of people say, ‘Oh, this America thing, it won’t work.’ Can it work? I think it can work, folks.

You know, a friend of mine, a very smart businessman, he was telling me, ‘We’re fighting this war, but it’s a very important war.’ So, you know, that’s a thing we have to keep in mind. A lot of the media won’t tell you this, but we’re fighting about America right now.

So we’ve got to bury these guys. They did just a really fantastic job, and I say get them buried in a really good way. Because when you die, and you really love America, I say you should get buried in way that’s outstanding.

But that’s not the end of it, folks. I mean, ten, twenty years from now, who’s going to remember this? Who’s going to remember it? You know, I think we ought to do something about this, or who’s going to remember?
I think I’m probably the best at remembering, one of the best rememberers, and even I don’t know if this will matter a week from now.

But the important thing is, America. It’s really fantastic, believe me. I’ve always thought so. I think I’m the first person to say this, but it’s by the people, for the people. That’s a phrase I just came up with.

I think we’re gonna win this thing, I really do, folks. I really do.”

Trump Rolls Back Workplace Primae Noctis Regulation

WASHINGTON – On Monday, President Trump signed a bill repealing an Obama-era regulation barring employers from invoking jus primae noctis, boasting that, “All the CEOs I talked to told me this was a bad rule, very bad for jobs. We’re fixing it, folks, believe me.”

Primae noctis is the rumored medieval tradition whereby a feudal lord claimed the right of first sexual access to the wife of a commoner on their wedding night. In 2010, the Obama Administration barred any company competing for federal contracts from instituting the practice within its workforce, a rule some conservatives derided as onerous and anti-business.

Republicans in Congress recently used the Congressional Review Act to eliminate the regulation, a move the president swiftly approved. Under the new legislation, no similar regulation can ever again be issued by the Labor Department, “even unto the thousandth generation.”

Trump supporters were quick to cheer the decision. “Misguided bureaucratic overreach, particularly during the previous administration, has clearly inhibited economic growth,” said newlywed factory worker Greg Farner, waiting patiently outside his bedroom in a MAGA cap while his employer, octogenarian billionaire Oscar Whitestone, loudly sodomized Farner’s bride Jessica.

“Anyone who doesn’t like this is a cuck,” Farner added.