“Many years ago, some people say 100 years ago, it’s a long time, believe me. Some guys, very smart guys. Very smart. They made America. And this was fantastic. I mean, you want to talk liberty? And it was all equal, very equal.
Now we’ve got some bad hombres who don’t like it. And they’re fighting us. It’s very bad. A lot of people say, ‘Oh, this America thing, it won’t work.’ Can it work? I think it can work, folks.
You know, a friend of mine, a very smart businessman, he was telling me, ‘We’re fighting this war, but it’s a very important war.’ So, you know, that’s a thing we have to keep in mind. A lot of the media won’t tell you this, but we’re fighting about America right now.
So we’ve got to bury these guys. They did just a really fantastic job, and I say get them buried in a really good way. Because when you die, and you really love America, I say you should get buried in way that’s outstanding.
But that’s not the end of it, folks. I mean, ten, twenty years from now, who’s going to remember this? Who’s going to remember it? You know, I think we ought to do something about this, or who’s going to remember?
I think I’m probably the best at remembering, one of the best rememberers, and even I don’t know if this will matter a week from now.
But the important thing is, America. It’s really fantastic, believe me. I’ve always thought so. I think I’m the first person to say this, but it’s by the people, for the people. That’s a phrase I just came up with.
I think we’re gonna win this thing, I really do, folks. I really do.”
WASHINGTON – On Monday, President Trump signed a bill repealing an Obama-era regulation barring employers from invoking jus primae noctis, boasting that, “All the CEOs I talked to told me this was a bad rule, very bad for jobs. We’re fixing it, folks, believe me.”
Primae noctis is the rumored medieval tradition whereby a feudal lord claimed the right of first sexual access to the wife of a commoner on their wedding night. In 2010, the Obama Administration barred any company competing for federal contracts from instituting the practice within its workforce, a rule some conservatives derided as onerous and anti-business.
Republicans in Congress recently used the Congressional Review Act to eliminate the regulation, a move the president swiftly approved. Under the new legislation, no similar regulation can ever again be issued by the Labor Department, “even unto the thousandth generation.”
Trump supporters were quick to cheer the decision. “Misguided bureaucratic overreach, particularly during the previous administration, has clearly inhibited economic growth,” said newlywed factory worker Greg Farner, waiting patiently outside his bedroom in a MAGA cap while his employer, octogenarian billionaire Oscar Whitestone, loudly sodomized Farner’s bride Jessica.
“Anyone who doesn’t like this is a cuck,” Farner added.
- I scream, you scream, we all scream. It’s the human condition.
“One of the areas that I’ve been particularly interested in is the area of children.” Hillary claims to oppose gender-based double standards, but if a dude wore those glasses and spoke that sentence, you’d call the fucking police.
“Now on to matters of the heart!” [SMASH CUT TO WILBUR’S CARDIOLOGIST READING TEST RESULTS AND SHAKING HIS HEAD IN DISGUST]
–from The Comics Curmudgeon
- Though Abe Vigoda’s life was cut tragically short, in his brief time in this world he touched us all.
- Shere Khan on TaleSpin was a so much better Lex Luthor than Jesse Eisenberg.
- I don’t get the billboards that advertise short wait times for the emergency room. Are people doing a lot of comparison shopping for those?
- I don’t know about you, folks, but I plan to vote for the second-worst person in America.
- The social interaction portrayed in this Taco Bell ad has never happened in the world. “Hey, stoned-acting stranger with tacos in both hands, I DEMAND THAT YOU HOLD MY INFANT CHILD.”
- What, on a purely mechanical level, does “grab ’em by the pussy” even mean? Like, fishhooking? Getting right in there and pinching the lips? I’m curious. Given that his understanding of everything else in the world is on the level of a kindergartner, it’s entirely possible that Donald Trump thinks girls have wieners.
- I know which band I want to chill with.
I’m talking about Cemetery Rapist.
- From USA Today: “HOUSTON, TX – Police said a 56-year-old man called a 911 operator to report he’s responsible for a slaying in Houston more than 30 years ago.”
We appreciate you turning yourself in, sir, but that’s not really an emergency, now is it?
- Did that band Twenty One Pilots get their name from Rob Lowe’s IMDb page? #sickburn
- Trump’s doctor looks like Rip Torn’s DUI mugshot.
- The Lament Configuration should be harder to solve than it is. You do like a Mario 64 Bowser fight move on it, and BOOM! Hell portal.
So, “Brad” is her dildo, right?
- It rains every damn day in Florida. I think they got “The Sunshine State” the same way they named Greenland.
- To the person who designed Florida’s license plate: Your state already looks like a dick. It was totally unnecessary to slap two oranges on there.
- It’s good to be back in Wisconsin, where my alcoholism is not only tolerated but respected.
- The White House Press Secretary is Josh Earnest. That name is an oxymoron, and one that must really keep the press corps on their toes.
- “Nah, kid, we got the Tooth Vulture. Look, could you hurry up and die of exposure already? I don’t have all day.”
- Cop Car is a tense thriller with Kevin Bacon, but every time I see it in the HBO listings I think it’s going to be that comedy with the two least-gay dudes from New Girl.
- Sam Bradford looks like Brian Regan doing his dumb-guy face.
- My sister’s boyfriend: Do you guys need anything when I go to the store?
My sister: Beer.
My sister’s boyfriend (who is not from Wisconsin): We have 16 beers.
Me: Yeah. That’s 8 apiece.
Him: Yeah. That’s what we have.
Me: No shit. That’s why she said get beer.
Like a fucking Abbott & Costello routine.
- Every time Bon Iver is mentioned I can’t help but picture Mayor Quimby’s nephew saying, “Bone ee-vair? It’s Bawn Ivah!”
- Playing Star Tropics 2: Zoda’s Revenge on the NES. If anyone ever tries to tell you there’s not a Nintendo game that shows a javelina’s butthole, they’re lying.
Posted rule at the hotel I’m staying in: “Do not use the pool if you are ill with diarrhea.” Tough but fair.
- My buddy’s reaction to Hank 3’s “My Drinkin’ Problem”: “I don’t think it’s really fair to put all the blame on her, based on what I’m hearing from these other songs.”
- After studying the issue for 15 years, I’m convinced there’s some holes in Aaron Carter’s story of beating Shaq.
- Shaq shilling for The General is puzzling. I fully believe he uses Gold Bond by the bushel, but there’s no way he has poor people insurance.
- “Hmm, what’s SAMHSA? I think it’s ‘Son And Mother’s Hair Styled Alike.’”
- Whenever I eat Froot Loops, I should write myself a reminder: “Dude, don’t freak out when your shit is a shade of green not found in nature.”
- Hey, dolphins: You’re not that smart. You’re air-breathing mammals that live in the fucking ocean. That’s where we apes dump our garbage.
- Comics fans are upset about a lot of the changes they made to Preacher for the show, but nobody seems to miss Jesse’s A.C. Slater hair.
- The universal constant across all classic rock stations is a 1:1 Zep/Journey ratio.
I’m more bothered by the Liefeldian anatomy here than any domestic violence implications.
- This restaurant describes itself as “Chinese/Country Fusion.” I don’t know what they’re trying to pull; China IS a country.
- In Oregon Trail you could only carry 100 pounds of buffalo meat. Yet Carmen Sandiego could walk off with entire geographical features.
- I am officially volunteering my services to manage Donald Trump’s assets in a blind trust. I swear I’m legit.
- Much like dating a stripper, Morgan Freeman with dreadlocks sounds a lot cooler in theory than it actually is.
- I’m writing a dystopian YA novel about a society that is monitored by its own citizens filming everything and transmitting all their data to their corporate/governmental overlords, under the guise of a silly game about chasing cartoon animals with funny names. I’m worried it’s a little far-fetched.
- The part in Band of Brothers where Jimmy Fallon shows up out of nowhere is still pretty fucking weird. Did he win a contest or something?
- It’s a good thing Dexter Fowler is black and a jock, because if he was a white nerd, that name would be too on-the-nose.
- “Better Online Ticket Sales (BOTS) Act of 2016”
You know whoever came up with that acronym was so, so stoked about how hard they nailed it.
- Hillary is like Jim Rockford if he was married to Lance White, and lost an election to Angel.
- Trump wears a T-shirt in the pool, I guarantee it.
- The Hamburglar has endured for decades, while related characters like the Hambezzler and the Hambolester have fallen by the wayside.
- I’m going to throw a funk party on the moon that will end racism forever.