New Smash Bros. Characters Leaked!

At the recent Nintendo Direct, Nintendo announced that a new Super Smash Bros. game will be released for the Switch sometime in 2018. Speculation has been rampant about what new playable characters will be added, but according to Soviet Disco’s sources inside Nintendo, a partial list is as follows:

Screenshot 2018-03-15 at 5.28.36 PM Aero the Acro-Bat

Screenshot 2018-03-15 at 6.01.20 PM Metal Slime

Screenshot 2018-03-15 at 5.17.54 PM Rodney Recloose

Screenshot 2018-03-15 at 5.31.56 PM  Boogerman

Screenshot 2018-03-15 at 6.21.11 PM Kinky Pinky

Screenshot 2018-03-15 at 5.35.01 PM ROM: Spaceknight

Screenshot 2018-03-15 at 5.38.04 PM Bunk Moreland

Screenshot 2018-03-15 at 5.50.25 PM Kangaroo Jack

Screenshot 2018-03-15 at 5.43.37 PM Snuffy Smith

Screenshot 2018-03-15 at 5.54.07 PM Urkelbot

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Trump Rolls Back Workplace Primae Noctis Regulation

WASHINGTON – On Monday, President Trump signed a bill repealing an Obama-era regulation barring employers from invoking jus primae noctis, boasting that, “All the CEOs I talked to told me this was a bad rule, very bad for jobs. We’re fixing it, folks, believe me.”

Primae noctis is the rumored medieval tradition whereby a feudal lord claimed the right of first sexual access to the wife of a commoner on their wedding night. In 2010, the Obama Administration barred any company competing for federal contracts from instituting the practice within its workforce, a rule some conservatives derided as onerous and anti-business.

Republicans in Congress recently used the Congressional Review Act to eliminate the regulation, a move the president swiftly approved. Under the new legislation, no similar regulation can ever again be issued by the Labor Department, “even unto the thousandth generation.”

Trump supporters were quick to cheer the decision. “Misguided bureaucratic overreach, particularly during the previous administration, has clearly inhibited economic growth,” said newlywed factory worker Greg Farner, waiting patiently outside his bedroom in a MAGA cap while his employer, octogenarian billionaire Oscar Whitestone, loudly sodomized Farner’s bride Jessica.

“Anyone who doesn’t like this is a cuck,” Farner added.

Top Headlines (week of 6/23/11)

  • Joe Biden Loses $150,000 In ‘Jackass’ Death Pool
  • Study Says 3-D Responsible for Eye AIDS, Narrative Ineptness
  • Meteorologists: Mother Nature On The Rag
  • WI Governor Scott Walker Proposes Ban On Puppy Breath
  • MLB Resells ‘Take Me Out To the Ballgame’ Naming Rights; New Lyric: ‘Buy Me Some Rayovac Batteries and Allstate Insurance/I Don’t Care If Havoc Ever Attacks’
  • Obama Calls War Powers Act ‘Way Uptight,’ Claims It ‘Used To Be Cool’
  • Gay Commitment Ceremony Turns Small Town Into Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland, As Feared
  • Palin Graphically Masturbates On-Camera, Blasts Lamestream Media For Calling It Porn
  • WNBA Still a Thing

Experts: The Rapture Happened Four Years Ago

Despite widespread speculation that the End of Days would occur on May 21, 2011, most theologians now agree that The Rapture actually already happened about four years ago, and pretty much nobody even noticed or gave a shit.

Biblical scholars have reached a consensus that the assumption of the righteous into Heaven, as described in 1 Thessalonians 4:17, most likely occurred on June 14, 2007. Unfortunately, it is thought that only four people in the continental United States were deemed worthy by The Lord, and since those individuals were boring and friendless, the event went largely unacknowledged by the general public.

“So these are the Tribulations? Yeah, I guess that seems about right,” said Tea Party Activist/Freelance Apocalyptologist Darrell Givens. “But does this mean Obama is REALLY the Antichrist? Cuz, shoot, I was kinda just talkin’ out my ass when I said that.”

Reached for comment, Growing Pains actor Kirk Cameron issued a terse two-word statement: “Fucking bullshit.”

White House Admits Bin Laden Was Already Dead

(l-r): Silverman, Bin Laden, McCarthy
(l-r): Silverman, Bin Laden, McCarthy

Washington, DC – In a stunning revelation, President Obama told reporters this morning that Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden has actually been dead since at least Thursday morning. That fact had been covered up all weekend by lovable losers Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman, so they could live it up at the 9/11 mastermind’s bitchin’ party mansion.

McCarthy and Silverman told US forces that when they arrived at Bin Laden’s lavish Pakistani estate (well-stocked with top-shelf liquor, 80’s party jams, and babes, babes, BABES!) early Thursday, they found the infamous terrorist leader dead from an apparent speedball overdose. Determined not to let this development derail The Awesomest Weekend Ever, the affable slackers concocted a wacky scheme to convince their fellow partygoers that the world’s most wanted man was still alive and gettin’ biz-zay.

The subterfuge relied heavily on sunglasses, crude puppeteering, and the obscene amounts of ecstasy and cocaine ingested by Bin Laden’s other party guests. The excuse that the elusive Bin Laden had “had a few too many” proved surprisingly effective. A medically fascinating postmortem priapism even allowed the mass-murdering jihadist to get lucky with a particularly ditzy bimbo.

When the ruse was uncovered by Navy SEALs on Sunday, Silverman gave an impassioned speech in which he admitted that he and McCarthy had made mistakes, but sometimes you want something so badly, you lose sight of how to do the right thing. And sometimes it takes a special lady to remind you of what’s really important.

McCarthy and Silverman are expected to be prosecuted for treason and executed.