Doc’s Top Social Media Posts of 2016

  • I scream, you scream, we all scream. It’s the human condition.
    -from Twitter
  • hillaryclintonpresidentialcampaign_16
    “One of the areas that I’ve been particularly interested in is the area of children.” Hillary claims to oppose gender-based double standards, but if a dude wore those glasses and spoke that sentence, you’d call the fucking police.
    -from Facebook
  • i161222maryworth
    –from The Comics Curmudgeon
  • Though Abe Vigoda’s life was cut tragically short, in his brief time in this world he touched us all.
  • Shere Khan on TaleSpin was a so much better Lex Luthor than Jesse Eisenberg.
  • I don’t get the billboards that advertise short wait times for the emergency room. Are people doing a lot of comparison shopping for those?
  • I don’t know about you, folks, but I plan to vote for the second-worst person in America.
  • The social interaction portrayed in this Taco Bell ad has never happened in the world. “Hey, stoned-acting stranger with tacos in both hands, I DEMAND THAT YOU HOLD MY INFANT CHILD.”
  • What, on a purely mechanical level, does “grab ’em by the pussy” even mean? Like, fishhooking? Getting right in there and pinching the lips? I’m curious. Given that his understanding of everything else in the world is on the level of a kindergartner, it’s entirely possible that Donald Trump thinks girls have wieners.
  •  I know which band I want to chill with.
    I’m talking about Cemetery Rapist.
  •  From USA Today: “HOUSTON, TX – Police said a 56-year-old man called a 911 operator to report he’s responsible for a slaying in Houston more than 30 years ago.”
    We appreciate you turning yourself in, sir, but that’s not really an emergency, now is it?
  • Did that band Twenty One Pilots get their name from Rob Lowe’s IMDb page? #sickburn
  • Trump’s doctor looks like Rip Torn’s DUI mugshot.
  •  The Lament Configuration should be harder to solve than it is. You do like a Mario 64 Bowser fight move on it, and BOOM! Hell portal.
  • brad
    So, “Brad” is her dildo, right?
  • It rains every damn day in Florida. I think they got “The Sunshine State” the same way they named Greenland.
  • To the person who designed Florida’s license plate: Your state already looks like a dick. It was totally unnecessary to slap two oranges on there.
  • It’s good to be back in Wisconsin, where my alcoholism is not only tolerated but respected.
  • The White House Press Secretary is Josh Earnest. That name is an oxymoron, and one that must really keep the press corps on their toes.
  • i161116crock“Nah, kid, we got the Tooth Vulture. Look, could you hurry up and die of exposure already? I don’t have all day.”
  •  Cop Car is a tense thriller with Kevin Bacon, but every time I see it in the HBO listings I think it’s going to be that comedy with the two least-gay dudes from New Girl.
  • Sam Bradford looks like Brian Regan doing his dumb-guy face.
  • My sister’s boyfriend: Do you guys need anything when I go to the store?
    My sister: Beer.
    My sister’s boyfriend (who is not from Wisconsin): We have 16 beers.
    Me: Yeah. That’s 8 apiece.
    Him: Yeah. That’s what we have.
    Me: No shit. That’s why she said get beer.
    Like a fucking Abbott & Costello routine.
  • Every time Bon Iver is mentioned I can’t help but picture Mayor Quimby’s nephew saying, “Bone ee-vair? It’s Bawn Ivah!”
  • Playing Star Tropics 2: Zoda’s Revenge on the NES. If anyone ever tries to tell you there’s not a Nintendo game that shows a javelina’s butthole, they’re lying.
  • Posted rule at the hotel I’m staying in: “Do not use the pool if you are ill with diarrhea.” Tough but fair.

  • My buddy’s reaction to Hank 3’s “My Drinkin’ Problem”: “I don’t think it’s really fair to put all the blame on her, based on what I’m hearing from these other songs.”
  • After studying the issue for 15 years, I’m convinced there’s some holes in Aaron Carter’s story of beating Shaq.
  • Shaq shilling for The General is puzzling. I fully believe he uses Gold Bond by the bushel, but there’s no way he has poor people insurance.
  • i160911maryworth “Hmm, what’s SAMHSA? I think it’s ‘Son And Mother’s Hair Styled Alike.’”
  • Whenever I eat Froot Loops, I should write myself a reminder: “Dude, don’t freak out when your shit is a shade of green not found in nature.”
  • Hey, dolphins: You’re not that smart. You’re air-breathing mammals that live in the fucking ocean. That’s where we apes dump our garbage.
  • Comics fans are upset about a lot of the changes they made to Preacher for the show, but nobody seems to miss Jesse’s A.C. Slater hair.
  • The universal constant across all classic rock stations is a 1:1 Zep/Journey ratio.
  • x-men_apocalypse_chokes_mystique
    I’m more bothered by the Liefeldian anatomy here than any domestic violence implications.
  • This restaurant describes itself as “Chinese/Country Fusion.” I don’t know what they’re trying to pull; China IS a country.
  • In Oregon Trail you could only carry 100 pounds of buffalo meat. Yet Carmen Sandiego could walk off with entire geographical features.
  • I am officially volunteering my services to manage Donald Trump’s assets in a blind trust. I swear I’m legit.
  • Much like dating a stripper, Morgan Freeman with dreadlocks sounds a lot cooler in theory than it actually is.
  •  I’m writing a dystopian YA novel about a society that is monitored by its own citizens filming everything and transmitting all their data to their corporate/governmental overlords, under the guise of a silly game about chasing cartoon animals with funny names. I’m worried it’s a little far-fetched.
  • The part in Band of Brothers where Jimmy Fallon shows up out of nowhere is still pretty fucking weird. Did he win a contest or something?
  • It’s a good thing Dexter Fowler is black and a jock, because if he was a white nerd, that name would be too on-the-nose.
  • “Better Online Ticket Sales (BOTS) Act of 2016”
    You know whoever came up with that acronym was so, so stoked about how hard they nailed it.
  • Hillary is like Jim Rockford if he was married to Lance White, and lost an election to Angel.
  • Trump wears a T-shirt in the pool, I guarantee it.
  • The Hamburglar has endured for decades, while related characters like the Hambezzler and the Hambolester have fallen by the wayside.
  • I’m going to throw a funk party on the moon that will end racism forever.

Doc’s Top Tweets of 2015

  • “Yeah, we’re on Saturday now. And it’s called Thursday Night Football on Saturday, because fuck you. It just is. Suck my dick.” -the NFL
  • I feel like Andy Serkis should just get those mo-cap dots tattooed on his face, to shave some time off every workday.
  • Doogie Howser’s amazing news clippings were just stuck on a corkboard, and the one from when he was 6 was still immaculate? Bullshit. #Timely
  • I love feminist superheroes like Supergirl. She flies over the city in a short skirt. #GirlPower!
  • For the guys who hang up K’s on the outfield wall at the ballpark, that fourth strikeout can’t come quickly enough.
  • #HalloweenDIY The great thing about the classic ghost costume is that afterwards, ultra-Orthodox Jews can use it for double penetration.
  • I’m gonna be a socially-conscious rapper named Requisite Knowledge. I’ll put the hypocrisy of our racist system on blast and smoke mad weed.
  • My workout regimen is all about confusing my muscles. They’re like “Huh? Why do you never use us? And why do you only feed us with bourbon?”
  • The Golden Rule needs an addendum. “Do unto others” sounds nice, but I see now that not everyone likes surprise handjobs in the locker room.
  • Every time I think I’ve expelled all the sperm from my genitals, THEY JUST KEEP DRAGGIN’ ME BACK.
  • Trump on Stephen Hawking: “If you’re so smart, why can’t you walk? My bastard kid with my maid can walk, and he’s half Mexican.” #Trump2016
  • Trump on Neil deGrasse Tyson: “I’ve never listened to what ‘scientists’ say, so a colored scientist?! Come on. He’s a loser.” #Trump2016
  • Trump on Lou Gehrig: “He was a classless weak sickie. Cal Ripken had more staying power than him, and Ripken was a pussy too.” #Trump2016
  • Trump on Fyodor Dostoevsky: “I don’t know who that is. It sounds like some sort of queer name. He’s an idiot.” #Trump2016
  • TO AVOID ANY TICKET: When talking to the cop, use adjectives as adverbs, old-timey-style. “I’m powerful sorry, sir.” #MasonicSecretsRevealed
  • I will never be a drug mule. If they’re both going in my butt, the cocaine is gonna be on the OUTSIDE of the condom, like I’m accustomed to.
  • Third Rule of Fight Club: No dark-soled shoes on this newly-resurfaced floor. Come on, you guys, be respectful.
  • Underused comedy reference: the baby from Eraserhead. Plug that into anything and it’s gold. “My 5th grade gym teacher’s junk looked like..”
  • The only good hippies are The Dude and Jim Henson.
  • I realized I literally haven’t eaten a banana in like 5 or 6 years, so I ate one. Oh, now I remember: bananas are fucking terrible.
  • Bananas are like plain oatmeal in dick-shaped form.
  • Urkel-O’s Soldier  #CerealSongs

Follow Doctor Handsome on twitter: @sovietdisco

Doc’s Top Tweets of 2013

  • My underground baby-fighting ring didn’t really pan out. It seemed like a great idea, but it turns out babies can’t fight for shit.
  • If an unexpected event happens while I’m with a pedant, I use air quotes to describe it as “literally ironic,” and watch ’em have a stroke.
  • I’m as American as Mom and bourbon.
  • Just watched a fascinating History Channel show about the KGB’s memory-erasing program in the 60’s. The coconut-clonking one.
  • I keep thinking how much cooler my life would be if Dwight Yoakam was my Mr. Miyagi.
  • 5 WORST SENTENCE BEGINNINGS 1)”Actually,” 2)”I’m not racist, but,” 3)”My cat…” 4)”My baby…” 5)”Sir, I’m gonna need you to…”
  • I’m going to be fucking insufferable as an old person. I’m only 32, and I’m already like, “Hey, you hopes & dreams! Get off my lawn!”
  • Fuck coasters. A table I can’t set a drink on fails in its most basic function. That ring is YOUR mark of shame, underperforming furniture!
  • They tried seeing-eye cats, but the cats’d just rearrange the blind guy’s wallet so he’d spend 50 bucks on a pack of gum. Cats are assholes.
  • Don’t shoot the messenger, young married couple who annoyed me. I didn’t make your baby ugly, you did.
  • I  never quite understood, “You can run, but you can’t hide!” I really only need to do one or the other to avoid whatever you’re threatening.
  • As a mick, I love that St. Pat’s is a universally-acknowledged drinking holiday. It’s like a Dr. King Day Chicken-Q nobody finds offensive.
  • Had a dream last night where Batman was just fucking wailing on a bunch of Juggalos. It was glorious. #GoingBackToSleep
  • My life is like a movie written by Charles Bukowski and directed by @lloydkaufman.
  • Did you know insurance doesn’t cover getting rolled by a tranny hooker? I sure didn’t.
  • How rich is Ke$ha, exactly? A multimillionaire? Bear in mind, the answer to this question determines who’s the grossest chick I’d bang.
  • It’s crazy how some people just fly off the handle when you call John Lennon a faggot.
  • My arms are too short to box with God, but I’m more of a grappler/submission fighter. If I can avoid the K.O., I think I can wear Him down.
  • My golf handicap is poverty.
  • Greedo shot from the grassy knoll.
  • We didn’t have the internet when I was a lad. I had to learn about the birds and bees from 2 Live Crew.
  • The Bible is literally true, and I’m disgusted by society’s rampant sexual immorality. It’s “Adam Jr. & his sister,” not “Adam & Steve.”
  • If corndogs became sentient, what NASCAR fan would escape their brutal vengeance?
  • Cops should make the Smooth Criminal lean part of the field sobriety test.
  • “Prophet” is way more lucrative than “Savior,” and requires zero results. #CareerAdvice
  • “Blue-Collar Schmo” has worked out OK for me, but I’d like to at least briefly try “Heartless Billionaire.” I bet I’d be good at that too.
  • When bad things happen to good people, I see it as proof that my prayers do indeed carry weight.
  • Any time anyone says “Smaug” in The Hobbit, that word should be overdubbed by Trey Parker
  • My sister says she’s concerned about my mental health, but my neighbor’s dog says I’m on the right path. Sorry, Sis; I defer to Bandit.
  • Hint for my Secret Santa: Everybody needs AA batteries and weed.
  • You can rock a Hitler moustache if you’re: A)Charlie Chaplin B)Michael Jordan C)J. Jonah Jameson D)a vagina. And the first 3 are still iffy
  • I’m against gay marriage because it’s an unnatural lifestyle. Monogamy, I mean.
  • The Presidentially-Pardoned Thanksgiving Turkey should tour famine-ravaged nations with full Secret Service protection, just to be a dick.

Doc’s Top 15 Tweets of 2012

  • There’s really no good course of action when confronted by a necrophiliac bear.
  • My ninjitsu is so deft that everyone’s convinced I’m an uncoordinated white guy.
  • Soup is either a food that’s not solid, or a drink without booze in it. So either way, fuck soup.
  • If I could live in any fictional universe, it would be the DARE one, where people are always aggressively offering you free drugs.
  • Mitt wins the “candidate you’d rather have a beer with” test, cuz it’d be rad to see him defy his creepy booze-hating God.
  • If I was a billionaire, I’d buy the naming rights to a ballpark and christen it Buttfart Field.
  • Sweet band name: Thomas Alva Oedipus & the Motherfuckin’ Geniuses #trademarkdoctorhandsome
  • For an event with no fatties, the Olympics has a crazy amount of unappealing cameltoes.
  • Each new gray hair in my sideburns is a cruel reminder to women my age that they’re less desirable by the day. Being a dude rules.
  • MEMO TO HOLLYWOOD: You’ve shit on a lot of things, but if you ever try to remake Columbo, you and me are fucking done.
  • Surprisingly, Replacement Refs outnumbered Banes 2-to-1 this Halloween. Pirate Hookers were at an all-time high, which I’m fine with.
  • It’s mostly bitchy white liberals who call me racist. The coloreds just call me an asshole.
  • When you decline to perform cunnilingus, at least they can’t say, “An African would be happy to eat that.”
  • I know this is heartless, but I’m glad when news turns the focus of Christmas arguments to Gun Control instead of my Problem Drinking.
  • All I want for Christmas is for President Obama to solve all the problems in my life. Using someone else’s money, if possible.

Follow Doctor Handsome on Twitter@sovietdisco

Doc’s Top 50 Tweets of 2011

  • FACT: If you smoked pot in the 90’s, you know all the lyrics of Doggystyle.
  • Guy goes to the doctor. The doctor says, “You’re fat.” Guy says, “I want a second opinion.” Doctor says, “Your slut wife is fat, too.”
  • Omelets are like female orgasms. I fucking love them, but I’m usually too lazy to put one together.
  • “Stick around. According to Jim is up next.”  Make up your mind, TBS.
  • I often lay awake at night wondering if I’m really a bad enough dude to rescue the president from ninjas.
  • In Mega Man, you murder guys and absorb their special abilities. If that worked in real life, Courtney Love would be an awesome songwriter.
  • People get uncomfortable when you wear sunglasses at trough urinals.
  • That drunk at the bar had a voice for Radio. By which I mean he sounded like the retard Cuba Gooding played.
  • I always wanted to play guitar, but I wasn’t good at it right away, so I quit. Just like skateboarding, or cunnilingus.
  • I’m a Renaissance Man, in the sense that I have the hygiene of a man from the 14th century.
  • Englishmen are a paradox: they’re gay, but they can’t dance.
  • The worst way to die has to be starving to death while falling down a Bottomless Pit.
  • Well, so now I’ll know better next year: April 1 is NOT an ideal day to get an HIV test.
  • Nothing against motorcycles, but I’m baffled by the concept of your method of transportation determining your social circle.
  • Every American should learn a few phrases in Chinese. Like whatever the translation for “the vig” is. That’s one we’ll probably hear a lot.
  • Battleship is a great game for kids, because it’s never too early to learn the importance of cheating.
  • I don’t vote, because I’m a felon. Not a CONVICTED felon, but I honor the spirit of the law. That’s called integrity, bitches.
  • I joke, but I’m crying on the inside. Maybe I should see a doctor. Livers probably aren’t supposed to do that.
  • I have no use for the word “limn.”  At all.  It could stop being a word tomorrow, and I’d never notice.
  • MEMO TO HIPPIES: Spirituality is an even bigger crock than Religion. Take a shower.
  • If the warden is gay, it’s completely acceptable to end a sentence with a proposition.
  • Pessimists say toast falls butter-side down. I write the toast off regardless of how it lands. My floor is filthy. Bread is cheap. Fuck it.
  • Superman’s weakness is kryptonite. Wonder Woman’s is parallel parking. Also math.
  • Top 5 Best Wingmen: 1) Your buddy’s hot girlfriend 2) A baby 3) A gay dude 4) A dog 5) Mark Cuban
  • I love shenanigans, but I hate repercussions.
  • Spit. Swallow. As long as you get it out of me, everything’s jake
  • When I hear Sarah McLachlin, I think of tortured puppies. Not because of commercials, either. Her voice just sounds like tortured puppies.
  • That which does not kill me is hopefully a rad anecdote.
  • The Prestige is a mindfuck of a movie. It turns out that Alfred was helping Wolverine AGAINST Batman the whole time.
  • At this point, I’ll bet Angelina Jolie’s vagina resembles one of those, “Yip yip yip yip yip, uh-huh, uh-huh,” Martians from Sesame Street.
  • I just wanted to say: I have nunchucks.
  • If God didn’t want me to take drugs, He wouldn’t have made me be sober without them.
  • How fucking awesome would an album of Fred Schneider covering Violent Femmes songs be? The answer: Very.
  • “Unnecessarily redundant” is recursion.
  • “Election fraud” is a redundancy.
  • People magazine just named Jennifer Lopez the most beautiful woman in the world. Because People magazine lives in 1997, and is a black dude.
  • Veganism is a viable lifestyle if you’re a cute hippie chick, or Moby. Otherwise, you suck. Eat a damn steak.
  • “SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: Quitting smoking now greatly reduces risks to your health.” Well OK, fine, but that’s not technically a warning.
  • I traveled back in time to warn my 11-year-old self of a bad decision: “Never tell a kid with a butterfly knife you’re him from the future!”
  • I time-traveled to slap 17-year-old me. He called me a loser for not owning a car, so I told him Leo DiCaprio is my favorite actor. He wept.
  • Guess what, racists! Jesus was Black! That’s why Mary had to scramble for some crazy bullshit to tell Joseph.
  • I just saw an ad with the tagline, “WNBA Cares.”  Sorry, ladies, but America doesn’t reciprocate.
  • If our species went extinct, and only one work of art survived to remember the human race by, I’d want it to be “Yakety Sax.”
  • All-Time Best Rogues Galleries: #1 Batman #2 Dick Tracy #3 Pete & Pete.
  • For me, it’s not meat unless I’d feel bad if I had to look it in the eye and kill it myself. Fish=NOT MEAT. Cow=SORRY, BESSY. CONDOLENCES.
  • Canadians know it’s absurd to still be subjects of the queen, but she’s gettin’ on in years, and they don’t want to make a fuss aboot it.
  • I was going to write a book about influential German philosophers born in 1844, but my publisher said the topic was too niche-y.
  • I think I could make a good living playing the male lead’s chauvinistic drinking buddy in every romantic comedy.
  • What do you think would be the awesomest shit ever? If you answered, “lightsaber Wolverine claws,” we are on the same wavelength.
  • A stranger is just someone you don’t have a specific reason to hate yet.

Follow Doctor Handsome on Twitter: @sovietdisco