- I’m getting sick of real life doing these gritty reboots of 80s movies where the bad guys win.
- NEVER FORGET.
- The old Spider-Man theme song taught me how to dodge tough questions by turning confrontational and introducing irrelevant tangents.
“Is he strong?”
“LISTEN, BUD! He’s got radioactive blood!”
- Article about Bartolo Colón in paper has headline “COLON MAKING GUYS OVER 40 PROUD.”
Was relieved it wasn’t about a new social media trend.
I feel like doing ecstatic cartwheels because you can meticulously document your naps is doing laziness wrong.
- Walgreens rocks the “Weird Al’s version of this was better” playlist pretty hard.
- Disney has finally added Rue McClanahan to the Hall of Presidents.
- The Oompa Loompas were pretty judgmental for a bunch of creepy freaks who murder children.
- The Mt. Rushmore visitors’ center has a bust of Vince McMahon for some reason.
- Jeopardy! contestants ask Who and What, but they never ask Why.
- ’80s Kid: Mom, I cut myself on the rusty jagged metal the playground is made of.
Parent: What are you doing in the house? Here’s a dollar and a ninja sword. Go see some R-rated movies and come back in February.
- Yo that shit be lookin like kmart shoes
- Critic of Zack Snyder: Batman doesn’t murder people with guns.
Snyder Defender: Actually, he did that fairly often in the 1940’s.
Critic: He also called people “Japs” a lot.
Defender: HE SHOULD STILL DO THAT TOO, I’M A TERRIBLE PERSON.
- Blake Shelton kinda looks like Joe Scarborough’s unemployed brother.
- The Nugenix commercial where the women say to Frank Thomas, “You were a ballplayer? We just know you from the Nugenix ads,” should end with Frank putting a gun in his mouth.
- STAR WARS SPOILER: Snoke dresses like Goldmember.
- Look, let’s just address the elephant in the room: Mike Pence’s wife is Ms. Swan from Mad TV.
- I scream, you scream, we all scream. It’s the human condition.
“One of the areas that I’ve been particularly interested in is the area of children.” Hillary claims to oppose gender-based double standards, but if a dude wore those glasses and spoke that sentence, you’d call the fucking police.
“Now on to matters of the heart!” [SMASH CUT TO WILBUR’S CARDIOLOGIST READING TEST RESULTS AND SHAKING HIS HEAD IN DISGUST]
–from The Comics Curmudgeon
- Though Abe Vigoda’s life was cut tragically short, in his brief time in this world he touched us all.
- Shere Khan on TaleSpin was a so much better Lex Luthor than Jesse Eisenberg.
- I don’t get the billboards that advertise short wait times for the emergency room. Are people doing a lot of comparison shopping for those?
- I don’t know about you, folks, but I plan to vote for the second-worst person in America.
- The social interaction portrayed in this Taco Bell ad has never happened in the world. “Hey, stoned-acting stranger with tacos in both hands, I DEMAND THAT YOU HOLD MY INFANT CHILD.”
- What, on a purely mechanical level, does “grab ’em by the pussy” even mean? Like, fishhooking? Getting right in there and pinching the lips? I’m curious. Given that his understanding of everything else in the world is on the level of a kindergartner, it’s entirely possible that Donald Trump thinks girls have wieners.
- I know which band I want to chill with.
I’m talking about Cemetery Rapist.
- From USA Today: “HOUSTON, TX – Police said a 56-year-old man called a 911 operator to report he’s responsible for a slaying in Houston more than 30 years ago.”
We appreciate you turning yourself in, sir, but that’s not really an emergency, now is it?
- Did that band Twenty One Pilots get their name from Rob Lowe’s IMDb page? #sickburn
- Trump’s doctor looks like Rip Torn’s DUI mugshot.
- The Lament Configuration should be harder to solve than it is. You do like a Mario 64 Bowser fight move on it, and BOOM! Hell portal.
So, “Brad” is her dildo, right?
- It rains every damn day in Florida. I think they got “The Sunshine State” the same way they named Greenland.
- To the person who designed Florida’s license plate: Your state already looks like a dick. It was totally unnecessary to slap two oranges on there.
- It’s good to be back in Wisconsin, where my alcoholism is not only tolerated but respected.
- The White House Press Secretary is Josh Earnest. That name is an oxymoron, and one that must really keep the press corps on their toes.
- “Nah, kid, we got the Tooth Vulture. Look, could you hurry up and die of exposure already? I don’t have all day.”
- Cop Car is a tense thriller with Kevin Bacon, but every time I see it in the HBO listings I think it’s going to be that comedy with the two least-gay dudes from New Girl.
- Sam Bradford looks like Brian Regan doing his dumb-guy face.
- My sister’s boyfriend: Do you guys need anything when I go to the store?
My sister: Beer.
My sister’s boyfriend (who is not from Wisconsin): We have 16 beers.
Me: Yeah. That’s 8 apiece.
Him: Yeah. That’s what we have.
Me: No shit. That’s why she said get beer.
Like a fucking Abbott & Costello routine.
- Every time Bon Iver is mentioned I can’t help but picture Mayor Quimby’s nephew saying, “Bone ee-vair? It’s Bawn Ivah!”
- Playing Star Tropics 2: Zoda’s Revenge on the NES. If anyone ever tries to tell you there’s not a Nintendo game that shows a javelina’s butthole, they’re lying.
Posted rule at the hotel I’m staying in: “Do not use the pool if you are ill with diarrhea.” Tough but fair.
- My buddy’s reaction to Hank 3’s “My Drinkin’ Problem”: “I don’t think it’s really fair to put all the blame on her, based on what I’m hearing from these other songs.”
- After studying the issue for 15 years, I’m convinced there’s some holes in Aaron Carter’s story of beating Shaq.
- Shaq shilling for The General is puzzling. I fully believe he uses Gold Bond by the bushel, but there’s no way he has poor people insurance.
- “Hmm, what’s SAMHSA? I think it’s ‘Son And Mother’s Hair Styled Alike.’”
- Whenever I eat Froot Loops, I should write myself a reminder: “Dude, don’t freak out when your shit is a shade of green not found in nature.”
- Hey, dolphins: You’re not that smart. You’re air-breathing mammals that live in the fucking ocean. That’s where we apes dump our garbage.
- Comics fans are upset about a lot of the changes they made to Preacher for the show, but nobody seems to miss Jesse’s A.C. Slater hair.
- The universal constant across all classic rock stations is a 1:1 Zep/Journey ratio.
I’m more bothered by the Liefeldian anatomy here than any domestic violence implications.
- This restaurant describes itself as “Chinese/Country Fusion.” I don’t know what they’re trying to pull; China IS a country.
- In Oregon Trail you could only carry 100 pounds of buffalo meat. Yet Carmen Sandiego could walk off with entire geographical features.
- I am officially volunteering my services to manage Donald Trump’s assets in a blind trust. I swear I’m legit.
- Much like dating a stripper, Morgan Freeman with dreadlocks sounds a lot cooler in theory than it actually is.
- I’m writing a dystopian YA novel about a society that is monitored by its own citizens filming everything and transmitting all their data to their corporate/governmental overlords, under the guise of a silly game about chasing cartoon animals with funny names. I’m worried it’s a little far-fetched.
- The part in Band of Brothers where Jimmy Fallon shows up out of nowhere is still pretty fucking weird. Did he win a contest or something?
- It’s a good thing Dexter Fowler is black and a jock, because if he was a white nerd, that name would be too on-the-nose.
- “Better Online Ticket Sales (BOTS) Act of 2016”
You know whoever came up with that acronym was so, so stoked about how hard they nailed it.
- Hillary is like Jim Rockford if he was married to Lance White, and lost an election to Angel.
- Trump wears a T-shirt in the pool, I guarantee it.
- The Hamburglar has endured for decades, while related characters like the Hambezzler and the Hambolester have fallen by the wayside.
- I’m going to throw a funk party on the moon that will end racism forever.
- “Yeah, we’re on Saturday now. And it’s called Thursday Night Football on Saturday, because fuck you. It just is. Suck my dick.” -the NFL
- I feel like Andy Serkis should just get those mo-cap dots tattooed on his face, to shave some time off every workday.
- Doogie Howser’s amazing news clippings were just stuck on a corkboard, and the one from when he was 6 was still immaculate? Bullshit. #Timely
- I love feminist superheroes like Supergirl. She flies over the city in a short skirt. #GirlPower!
- For the guys who hang up K’s on the outfield wall at the ballpark, that fourth strikeout can’t come quickly enough.
- #HalloweenDIY The great thing about the classic ghost costume is that afterwards, ultra-Orthodox Jews can use it for double penetration.
- I’m gonna be a socially-conscious rapper named Requisite Knowledge. I’ll put the hypocrisy of our racist system on blast and smoke mad weed.
- My workout regimen is all about confusing my muscles. They’re like “Huh? Why do you never use us? And why do you only feed us with bourbon?”
- The Golden Rule needs an addendum. “Do unto others” sounds nice, but I see now that not everyone likes surprise handjobs in the locker room.
- Every time I think I’ve expelled all the sperm from my genitals, THEY JUST KEEP DRAGGIN’ ME BACK.
- Trump on Stephen Hawking: “If you’re so smart, why can’t you walk? My bastard kid with my maid can walk, and he’s half Mexican.” #Trump2016
- Trump on Neil deGrasse Tyson: “I’ve never listened to what ‘scientists’ say, so a colored scientist?! Come on. He’s a loser.” #Trump2016
- Trump on Lou Gehrig: “He was a classless weak sickie. Cal Ripken had more staying power than him, and Ripken was a pussy too.” #Trump2016
- Trump on Fyodor Dostoevsky: “I don’t know who that is. It sounds like some sort of queer name. He’s an idiot.” #Trump2016
- TO AVOID ANY TICKET: When talking to the cop, use adjectives as adverbs, old-timey-style. “I’m powerful sorry, sir.” #MasonicSecretsRevealed
- I will never be a drug mule. If they’re both going in my butt, the cocaine is gonna be on the OUTSIDE of the condom, like I’m accustomed to.
- Third Rule of Fight Club: No dark-soled shoes on this newly-resurfaced floor. Come on, you guys, be respectful.
- Underused comedy reference: the baby from Eraserhead. Plug that into anything and it’s gold. “My 5th grade gym teacher’s junk looked like..”
- The only good hippies are The Dude and Jim Henson.
- I realized I literally haven’t eaten a banana in like 5 or 6 years, so I ate one. Oh, now I remember: bananas are fucking terrible.
- Bananas are like plain oatmeal in dick-shaped form.
- Urkel-O’s Soldier #CerealSongs
Follow Doctor Handsome on twitter: @sovietdisco
- My underground baby-fighting ring didn’t really pan out. It seemed like a great idea, but it turns out babies can’t fight for shit.
- If an unexpected event happens while I’m with a pedant, I use air quotes to describe it as “literally ironic,” and watch ’em have a stroke.
- I’m as American as Mom and bourbon.
- Just watched a fascinating History Channel show about the KGB’s memory-erasing program in the 60’s. The coconut-clonking one.
- I keep thinking how much cooler my life would be if Dwight Yoakam was my Mr. Miyagi.
- 5 WORST SENTENCE BEGINNINGS 1)”Actually,” 2)”I’m not racist, but,” 3)”My cat…” 4)”My baby…” 5)”Sir, I’m gonna need you to…”
- I’m going to be fucking insufferable as an old person. I’m only 32, and I’m already like, “Hey, you hopes & dreams! Get off my lawn!”
- Fuck coasters. A table I can’t set a drink on fails in its most basic function. That ring is YOUR mark of shame, underperforming furniture!
- They tried seeing-eye cats, but the cats’d just rearrange the blind guy’s wallet so he’d spend 50 bucks on a pack of gum. Cats are assholes.
- Don’t shoot the messenger, young married couple who annoyed me. I didn’t make your baby ugly, you did.
- I never quite understood, “You can run, but you can’t hide!” I really only need to do one or the other to avoid whatever you’re threatening.
- As a mick, I love that St. Pat’s is a universally-acknowledged drinking holiday. It’s like a Dr. King Day Chicken-Q nobody finds offensive.
- Had a dream last night where Batman was just fucking wailing on a bunch of Juggalos. It was glorious.
- My life is like a movie written by Charles Bukowski and directed by
- Did you know insurance doesn’t cover getting rolled by a tranny hooker? I sure didn’t.
- How rich is Ke$ha, exactly? A multimillionaire? Bear in mind, the answer to this question determines who’s the grossest chick I’d bang.
- It’s crazy how some people just fly off the handle when you call John Lennon a faggot.
- My arms are too short to box with God, but I’m more of a grappler/submission fighter. If I can avoid the K.O., I think I can wear Him down.
- My golf handicap is poverty.
- Greedo shot from the grassy knoll.
- We didn’t have the internet when I was a lad. I had to learn about the birds and bees from 2 Live Crew.
- The Bible is literally true, and I’m disgusted by society’s rampant sexual immorality. It’s “Adam Jr. & his sister,” not “Adam & Steve.”
- If corndogs became sentient, what NASCAR fan would escape their brutal vengeance?
- Cops should make the Smooth Criminal lean part of the field sobriety test.
- “Prophet” is way more lucrative than “Savior,” and requires zero results.
- “Blue-Collar Schmo” has worked out OK for me, but I’d like to at least briefly try “Heartless Billionaire.” I bet I’d be good at that too.
- When bad things happen to good people, I see it as proof that my prayers do indeed carry weight.
- Any time anyone says “Smaug” in The Hobbit, that word should be overdubbed by Trey Parker
- My sister says she’s concerned about my mental health, but my neighbor’s dog says I’m on the right path. Sorry, Sis; I defer to Bandit.
- Hint for my Secret Santa: Everybody needs AA batteries and weed.
- You can rock a Hitler moustache if you’re: A)Charlie Chaplin B)Michael Jordan C)J. Jonah Jameson D)a vagina. And the first 3 are still iffy
- I’m against gay marriage because it’s an unnatural lifestyle. Monogamy, I mean.
- The Presidentially-Pardoned Thanksgiving Turkey should tour famine-ravaged nations with full Secret Service protection, just to be a dick.
There’s really no good course of action when confronted by a necrophiliac bear.
My ninjitsu is so deft that everyone’s convinced I’m an uncoordinated white guy.
Soup is either a food that’s not solid, or a drink without booze in it. So either way, fuck soup.
If I could live in any fictional universe, it would be the DARE one, where people are always aggressively offering you free drugs.
Mitt wins the “candidate you’d rather have a beer with” test, cuz it’d be rad to see him defy his creepy booze-hating God.
If I was a billionaire, I’d buy the naming rights to a ballpark and christen it Buttfart Field.
Sweet band name: Thomas Alva Oedipus & the Motherfuckin’ Geniuses #trademarkdoctorhandsome
For an event with no fatties, the Olympics has a crazy amount of unappealing cameltoes.
Each new gray hair in my sideburns is a cruel reminder to women my age that they’re less desirable by the day. Being a dude rules.
MEMO TO HOLLYWOOD: You’ve shit on a lot of things, but if you ever try to remake Columbo, you and me are fucking done.
Surprisingly, Replacement Refs outnumbered Banes 2-to-1 this Halloween. Pirate Hookers were at an all-time high, which I’m fine with.
It’s mostly bitchy white liberals who call me racist. The coloreds just call me an asshole.
When you decline to perform cunnilingus, at least they can’t say, “An African would be happy to eat that.”
I know this is heartless, but I’m glad when news turns the focus of Christmas arguments to Gun Control instead of my Problem Drinking.
All I want for Christmas is for President Obama to solve all the problems in my life. Using someone else’s money, if possible.
Follow Doctor Handsome on Twitter: @sovietdisco