- I’m getting sick of real life doing these gritty reboots of 80s movies where the bad guys win.
- NEVER FORGET.
- The old Spider-Man theme song taught me how to dodge tough questions by turning confrontational and introducing irrelevant tangents.
“Is he strong?”
“LISTEN, BUD! He’s got radioactive blood!”
- Article about Bartolo Colón in paper has headline “COLON MAKING GUYS OVER 40 PROUD.”
Was relieved it wasn’t about a new social media trend.
I feel like doing ecstatic cartwheels because you can meticulously document your naps is doing laziness wrong.
- Walgreens rocks the “Weird Al’s version of this was better” playlist pretty hard.
- Disney has finally added Rue McClanahan to the Hall of Presidents.
- The Oompa Loompas were pretty judgmental for a bunch of creepy freaks who murder children.
- The Mt. Rushmore visitors’ center has a bust of Vince McMahon for some reason.
- Jeopardy! contestants ask Who and What, but they never ask Why.
- ’80s Kid: Mom, I cut myself on the rusty jagged metal the playground is made of.
Parent: What are you doing in the house? Here’s a dollar and a ninja sword. Go see some R-rated movies and come back in February.
- Yo that shit be lookin like kmart shoes
- Critic of Zack Snyder: Batman doesn’t murder people with guns.
Snyder Defender: Actually, he did that fairly often in the 1940’s.
Critic: He also called people “Japs” a lot.
Defender: HE SHOULD STILL DO THAT TOO, I’M A TERRIBLE PERSON.
- Blake Shelton kinda looks like Joe Scarborough’s unemployed brother.
- The Nugenix commercial where the women say to Frank Thomas, “You were a ballplayer? We just know you from the Nugenix ads,” should end with Frank putting a gun in his mouth.
- STAR WARS SPOILER: Snoke dresses like Goldmember.
- Look, let’s just address the elephant in the room: Mike Pence’s wife is Ms. Swan from Mad TV.