- I scream, you scream, we all scream. It’s the human condition.
“One of the areas that I’ve been particularly interested in is the area of children.” Hillary claims to oppose gender-based double standards, but if a dude wore those glasses and spoke that sentence, you’d call the fucking police.
“Now on to matters of the heart!” [SMASH CUT TO WILBUR’S CARDIOLOGIST READING TEST RESULTS AND SHAKING HIS HEAD IN DISGUST]
–from The Comics Curmudgeon
- Though Abe Vigoda’s life was cut tragically short, in his brief time in this world he touched us all.
- Shere Khan on TaleSpin was a so much better Lex Luthor than Jesse Eisenberg.
- I don’t get the billboards that advertise short wait times for the emergency room. Are people doing a lot of comparison shopping for those?
- I don’t know about you, folks, but I plan to vote for the second-worst person in America.
- The social interaction portrayed in this Taco Bell ad has never happened in the world. “Hey, stoned-acting stranger with tacos in both hands, I DEMAND THAT YOU HOLD MY INFANT CHILD.”
- What, on a purely mechanical level, does “grab ’em by the pussy” even mean? Like, fishhooking? Getting right in there and pinching the lips? I’m curious. Given that his understanding of everything else in the world is on the level of a kindergartner, it’s entirely possible that Donald Trump thinks girls have wieners.
- I know which band I want to chill with.
I’m talking about Cemetery Rapist.
- From USA Today: “HOUSTON, TX – Police said a 56-year-old man called a 911 operator to report he’s responsible for a slaying in Houston more than 30 years ago.”
We appreciate you turning yourself in, sir, but that’s not really an emergency, now is it?
- Did that band Twenty One Pilots get their name from Rob Lowe’s IMDb page? #sickburn
- Trump’s doctor looks like Rip Torn’s DUI mugshot.
- The Lament Configuration should be harder to solve than it is. You do like a Mario 64 Bowser fight move on it, and BOOM! Hell portal.
So, “Brad” is her dildo, right?
- It rains every damn day in Florida. I think they got “The Sunshine State” the same way they named Greenland.
- To the person who designed Florida’s license plate: Your state already looks like a dick. It was totally unnecessary to slap two oranges on there.
- It’s good to be back in Wisconsin, where my alcoholism is not only tolerated but respected.
- The White House Press Secretary is Josh Earnest. That name is an oxymoron, and one that must really keep the press corps on their toes.
- “Nah, kid, we got the Tooth Vulture. Look, could you hurry up and die of exposure already? I don’t have all day.”
- Cop Car is a tense thriller with Kevin Bacon, but every time I see it in the HBO listings I think it’s going to be that comedy with the two least-gay dudes from New Girl.
- Sam Bradford looks like Brian Regan doing his dumb-guy face.
- My sister’s boyfriend: Do you guys need anything when I go to the store?
My sister: Beer.
My sister’s boyfriend (who is not from Wisconsin): We have 16 beers.
Me: Yeah. That’s 8 apiece.
Him: Yeah. That’s what we have.
Me: No shit. That’s why she said get beer.
Like a fucking Abbott & Costello routine.
- Every time Bon Iver is mentioned I can’t help but picture Mayor Quimby’s nephew saying, “Bone ee-vair? It’s Bawn Ivah!”
- Playing Star Tropics 2: Zoda’s Revenge on the NES. If anyone ever tries to tell you there’s not a Nintendo game that shows a javelina’s butthole, they’re lying.
Posted rule at the hotel I’m staying in: “Do not use the pool if you are ill with diarrhea.” Tough but fair.
- My buddy’s reaction to Hank 3’s “My Drinkin’ Problem”: “I don’t think it’s really fair to put all the blame on her, based on what I’m hearing from these other songs.”
- After studying the issue for 15 years, I’m convinced there’s some holes in Aaron Carter’s story of beating Shaq.
- Shaq shilling for The General is puzzling. I fully believe he uses Gold Bond by the bushel, but there’s no way he has poor people insurance.
- “Hmm, what’s SAMHSA? I think it’s ‘Son And Mother’s Hair Styled Alike.’”
- Whenever I eat Froot Loops, I should write myself a reminder: “Dude, don’t freak out when your shit is a shade of green not found in nature.”
- Hey, dolphins: You’re not that smart. You’re air-breathing mammals that live in the fucking ocean. That’s where we apes dump our garbage.
- Comics fans are upset about a lot of the changes they made to Preacher for the show, but nobody seems to miss Jesse’s A.C. Slater hair.
- The universal constant across all classic rock stations is a 1:1 Zep/Journey ratio.
I’m more bothered by the Liefeldian anatomy here than any domestic violence implications.
- This restaurant describes itself as “Chinese/Country Fusion.” I don’t know what they’re trying to pull; China IS a country.
- In Oregon Trail you could only carry 100 pounds of buffalo meat. Yet Carmen Sandiego could walk off with entire geographical features.
- I am officially volunteering my services to manage Donald Trump’s assets in a blind trust. I swear I’m legit.
- Much like dating a stripper, Morgan Freeman with dreadlocks sounds a lot cooler in theory than it actually is.
- I’m writing a dystopian YA novel about a society that is monitored by its own citizens filming everything and transmitting all their data to their corporate/governmental overlords, under the guise of a silly game about chasing cartoon animals with funny names. I’m worried it’s a little far-fetched.
- The part in Band of Brothers where Jimmy Fallon shows up out of nowhere is still pretty fucking weird. Did he win a contest or something?
- It’s a good thing Dexter Fowler is black and a jock, because if he was a white nerd, that name would be too on-the-nose.
- “Better Online Ticket Sales (BOTS) Act of 2016”
You know whoever came up with that acronym was so, so stoked about how hard they nailed it.
- Hillary is like Jim Rockford if he was married to Lance White, and lost an election to Angel.
- Trump wears a T-shirt in the pool, I guarantee it.
- The Hamburglar has endured for decades, while related characters like the Hambezzler and the Hambolester have fallen by the wayside.
- I’m going to throw a funk party on the moon that will end racism forever.
- A priest, a rabbi, and a Mormon walk into a bar. The Mormon says, “Oops, I must have the wrong address! You folks have a wonderful evening!” and leaves.
- How many Mormons does in take to screw in a lightbulb?
Really just one, but they like to make a fun family project out of it, and they laugh and laugh.
A Mormon missionary, here to tell you about Heavenly Father’s plan for you!
Do you think he’s still there? Should we knock again?
*Shotgun cocks behind the door*
- What’s the difference between a dead baby and a Mormon missionary?
It’s not hilarious to shove a hockey stick in the spokes of a dead baby’s bicycle.
- Joseph Smith’s mama so slutty, the only dude she ever wanted out of her cunt was a con man who made up a lunatic religion.
- Why don’t Mormons dance?
- A priest, a rabbi, and the Holy Prophet Muhammad walk into a bar. The Prophet Muhammad beheads the priest and the rabbi, and burns down the bar. Seal Be Upon Him.
- How many Prophets of Allah does it take to screw in a light bulb?
THERE IS ONLY ONE TRUE PROPHET, AND LIGHT BULBS ARE A DECADENT JEW INVENTION.
The Prophet Muhammad.
The Prophet Muhammad who?
*Dynamite belt explodes*
- Why doesn’t the Prophet Muhammad drink tequila?
It makes him mean.
- The Prophet Muhammad’s mama so fat, the bitch’s blood type is cake.
- What’s the difference between the Prophet Muhammad and a blood-spewing vagina?
One causes a geopolitically marginalized demographic group to erupt in periodic spasms of irrational, violently emotional outbursts of rage in response to real or imagined slights, and the other one wears a turban and hates the Jews.