Doc’s Top Tweets of 2015

  • “Yeah, we’re on Saturday now. And it’s called Thursday Night Football on Saturday, because fuck you. It just is. Suck my dick.” -the NFL
  • I feel like Andy Serkis should just get those mo-cap dots tattooed on his face, to shave some time off every workday.
  • Doogie Howser’s amazing news clippings were just stuck on a corkboard, and the one from when he was 6 was still immaculate? Bullshit. #Timely
  • I love feminist superheroes like Supergirl. She flies over the city in a short skirt. #GirlPower!
  • For the guys who hang up K’s on the outfield wall at the ballpark, that fourth strikeout can’t come quickly enough.
  • #HalloweenDIY The great thing about the classic ghost costume is that afterwards, ultra-Orthodox Jews can use it for double penetration.
  • I’m gonna be a socially-conscious rapper named Requisite Knowledge. I’ll put the hypocrisy of our racist system on blast and smoke mad weed.
  • My workout regimen is all about confusing my muscles. They’re like “Huh? Why do you never use us? And why do you only feed us with bourbon?”
  • The Golden Rule needs an addendum. “Do unto others” sounds nice, but I see now that not everyone likes surprise handjobs in the locker room.
  • Every time I think I’ve expelled all the sperm from my genitals, THEY JUST KEEP DRAGGIN’ ME BACK.
  • Trump on Stephen Hawking: “If you’re so smart, why can’t you walk? My bastard kid with my maid can walk, and he’s half Mexican.” #Trump2016
  • Trump on Neil deGrasse Tyson: “I’ve never listened to what ‘scientists’ say, so a colored scientist?! Come on. He’s a loser.” #Trump2016
  • Trump on Lou Gehrig: “He was a classless weak sickie. Cal Ripken had more staying power than him, and Ripken was a pussy too.” #Trump2016
  • Trump on Fyodor Dostoevsky: “I don’t know who that is. It sounds like some sort of queer name. He’s an idiot.” #Trump2016
  • TO AVOID ANY TICKET: When talking to the cop, use adjectives as adverbs, old-timey-style. “I’m powerful sorry, sir.” #MasonicSecretsRevealed
  • I will never be a drug mule. If they’re both going in my butt, the cocaine is gonna be on the OUTSIDE of the condom, like I’m accustomed to.
  • Third Rule of Fight Club: No dark-soled shoes on this newly-resurfaced floor. Come on, you guys, be respectful.
  • Underused comedy reference: the baby from Eraserhead. Plug that into anything and it’s gold. “My 5th grade gym teacher’s junk looked like..”
  • The only good hippies are The Dude and Jim Henson.
  • I realized I literally haven’t eaten a banana in like 5 or 6 years, so I ate one. Oh, now I remember: bananas are fucking terrible.
  • Bananas are like plain oatmeal in dick-shaped form.
  • Urkel-O’s Soldier  #CerealSongs

Follow Doctor Handsome on twitter: @sovietdisco

Doc’s Top Tweets of 2013

  • My underground baby-fighting ring didn’t really pan out. It seemed like a great idea, but it turns out babies can’t fight for shit.
  • If an unexpected event happens while I’m with a pedant, I use air quotes to describe it as “literally ironic,” and watch ’em have a stroke.
  • I’m as American as Mom and bourbon.
  • Just watched a fascinating History Channel show about the KGB’s memory-erasing program in the 60’s. The coconut-clonking one.
  • I keep thinking how much cooler my life would be if Dwight Yoakam was my Mr. Miyagi.
  • 5 WORST SENTENCE BEGINNINGS 1)”Actually,” 2)”I’m not racist, but,” 3)”My cat…” 4)”My baby…” 5)”Sir, I’m gonna need you to…”
  • I’m going to be fucking insufferable as an old person. I’m only 32, and I’m already like, “Hey, you hopes & dreams! Get off my lawn!”
  • Fuck coasters. A table I can’t set a drink on fails in its most basic function. That ring is YOUR mark of shame, underperforming furniture!
  • They tried seeing-eye cats, but the cats’d just rearrange the blind guy’s wallet so he’d spend 50 bucks on a pack of gum. Cats are assholes.
  • Don’t shoot the messenger, young married couple who annoyed me. I didn’t make your baby ugly, you did.
  • I  never quite understood, “You can run, but you can’t hide!” I really only need to do one or the other to avoid whatever you’re threatening.
  • As a mick, I love that St. Pat’s is a universally-acknowledged drinking holiday. It’s like a Dr. King Day Chicken-Q nobody finds offensive.
  • Had a dream last night where Batman was just fucking wailing on a bunch of Juggalos. It was glorious. #GoingBackToSleep
  • My life is like a movie written by Charles Bukowski and directed by @lloydkaufman.
  • Did you know insurance doesn’t cover getting rolled by a tranny hooker? I sure didn’t.
  • How rich is Ke$ha, exactly? A multimillionaire? Bear in mind, the answer to this question determines who’s the grossest chick I’d bang.
  • It’s crazy how some people just fly off the handle when you call John Lennon a faggot.
  • My arms are too short to box with God, but I’m more of a grappler/submission fighter. If I can avoid the K.O., I think I can wear Him down.
  • My golf handicap is poverty.
  • Greedo shot from the grassy knoll.
  • We didn’t have the internet when I was a lad. I had to learn about the birds and bees from 2 Live Crew.
  • The Bible is literally true, and I’m disgusted by society’s rampant sexual immorality. It’s “Adam Jr. & his sister,” not “Adam & Steve.”
  • If corndogs became sentient, what NASCAR fan would escape their brutal vengeance?
  • Cops should make the Smooth Criminal lean part of the field sobriety test.
  • “Prophet” is way more lucrative than “Savior,” and requires zero results. #CareerAdvice
  • “Blue-Collar Schmo” has worked out OK for me, but I’d like to at least briefly try “Heartless Billionaire.” I bet I’d be good at that too.
  • When bad things happen to good people, I see it as proof that my prayers do indeed carry weight.
  • Any time anyone says “Smaug” in The Hobbit, that word should be overdubbed by Trey Parker
  • My sister says she’s concerned about my mental health, but my neighbor’s dog says I’m on the right path. Sorry, Sis; I defer to Bandit.
  • Hint for my Secret Santa: Everybody needs AA batteries and weed.
  • You can rock a Hitler moustache if you’re: A)Charlie Chaplin B)Michael Jordan C)J. Jonah Jameson D)a vagina. And the first 3 are still iffy
  • I’m against gay marriage because it’s an unnatural lifestyle. Monogamy, I mean.
  • The Presidentially-Pardoned Thanksgiving Turkey should tour famine-ravaged nations with full Secret Service protection, just to be a dick.