Trump Rolls Back Workplace Primae Noctis Regulation

WASHINGTON – On Monday, President Trump signed a bill repealing an Obama-era regulation barring employers from invoking jus primae noctis, boasting that, “All the CEOs I talked to told me this was a bad rule, very bad for jobs. We’re fixing it, folks, believe me.”

Primae noctis is the rumored medieval tradition whereby a feudal lord claimed the right of first sexual access to the wife of a commoner on their wedding night. In 2010, the Obama Administration barred any company competing for federal contracts from instituting the practice within its workforce, a rule some conservatives derided as onerous and anti-business.

Republicans in Congress recently used the Congressional Review Act to eliminate the regulation, a move the president swiftly approved. Under the new legislation, no similar regulation can ever again be issued by the Labor Department, “even unto the thousandth generation.”

Trump supporters were quick to cheer the decision. “Misguided bureaucratic overreach, particularly during the previous administration, has clearly inhibited economic growth,” said newlywed factory worker Greg Farner, waiting patiently outside his bedroom in a MAGA cap while his employer, octogenarian billionaire Oscar Whitestone, loudly sodomized Farner’s bride Jessica.

“Anyone who doesn’t like this is a cuck,” Farner added.


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