Doc’s Top Tweets of 2015

  • “Yeah, we’re on Saturday now. And it’s called Thursday Night Football on Saturday, because fuck you. It just is. Suck my dick.” -the NFL
  • I feel like Andy Serkis should just get those mo-cap dots tattooed on his face, to shave some time off every workday.
  • Doogie Howser’s amazing news clippings were just stuck on a corkboard, and the one from when he was 6 was still immaculate? Bullshit. #Timely
  • I love feminist superheroes like Supergirl. She flies over the city in a short skirt. #GirlPower!
  • For the guys who hang up K’s on the outfield wall at the ballpark, that fourth strikeout can’t come quickly enough.
  • #HalloweenDIY The great thing about the classic ghost costume is that afterwards, ultra-Orthodox Jews can use it for double penetration.
  • I’m gonna be a socially-conscious rapper named Requisite Knowledge. I’ll put the hypocrisy of our racist system on blast and smoke mad weed.
  • My workout regimen is all about confusing my muscles. They’re like “Huh? Why do you never use us? And why do you only feed us with bourbon?”
  • The Golden Rule needs an addendum. “Do unto others” sounds nice, but I see now that not everyone likes surprise handjobs in the locker room.
  • Every time I think I’ve expelled all the sperm from my genitals, THEY JUST KEEP DRAGGIN’ ME BACK.
  • Trump on Stephen Hawking: “If you’re so smart, why can’t you walk? My bastard kid with my maid can walk, and he’s half Mexican.” #Trump2016
  • Trump on Neil deGrasse Tyson: “I’ve never listened to what ‘scientists’ say, so a colored scientist?! Come on. He’s a loser.” #Trump2016
  • Trump on Lou Gehrig: “He was a classless weak sickie. Cal Ripken had more staying power than him, and Ripken was a pussy too.” #Trump2016
  • Trump on Fyodor Dostoevsky: “I don’t know who that is. It sounds like some sort of queer name. He’s an idiot.” #Trump2016
  • TO AVOID ANY TICKET: When talking to the cop, use adjectives as adverbs, old-timey-style. “I’m powerful sorry, sir.” #MasonicSecretsRevealed
  • I will never be a drug mule. If they’re both going in my butt, the cocaine is gonna be on the OUTSIDE of the condom, like I’m accustomed to.
  • Third Rule of Fight Club: No dark-soled shoes on this newly-resurfaced floor. Come on, you guys, be respectful.
  • Underused comedy reference: the baby from Eraserhead. Plug that into anything and it’s gold. “My 5th grade gym teacher’s junk looked like..”
  • The only good hippies are The Dude and Jim Henson.
  • I realized I literally haven’t eaten a banana in like 5 or 6 years, so I ate one. Oh, now I remember: bananas are fucking terrible.
  • Bananas are like plain oatmeal in dick-shaped form.
  • Urkel-O’s Soldier  #CerealSongs

Follow Doctor Handsome on twitter: @sovietdisco


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