- My underground baby-fighting ring didn’t really pan out. It seemed like a great idea, but it turns out babies can’t fight for shit.
- If an unexpected event happens while I’m with a pedant, I use air quotes to describe it as “literally ironic,” and watch ’em have a stroke.
- I’m as American as Mom and bourbon.
- Just watched a fascinating History Channel show about the KGB’s memory-erasing program in the 60’s. The coconut-clonking one.
- I keep thinking how much cooler my life would be if Dwight Yoakam was my Mr. Miyagi.
- 5 WORST SENTENCE BEGINNINGS 1)”Actually,” 2)”I’m not racist, but,” 3)”My cat…” 4)”My baby…” 5)”Sir, I’m gonna need you to…”
- I’m going to be fucking insufferable as an old person. I’m only 32, and I’m already like, “Hey, you hopes & dreams! Get off my lawn!”
- Fuck coasters. A table I can’t set a drink on fails in its most basic function. That ring is YOUR mark of shame, underperforming furniture!
- They tried seeing-eye cats, but the cats’d just rearrange the blind guy’s wallet so he’d spend 50 bucks on a pack of gum. Cats are assholes.
- Don’t shoot the messenger, young married couple who annoyed me. I didn’t make your baby ugly, you did.
- I never quite understood, “You can run, but you can’t hide!” I really only need to do one or the other to avoid whatever you’re threatening.
- As a mick, I love that St. Pat’s is a universally-acknowledged drinking holiday. It’s like a Dr. King Day Chicken-Q nobody finds offensive.
- Had a dream last night where Batman was just fucking wailing on a bunch of Juggalos. It was glorious.
- My life is like a movie written by Charles Bukowski and directed by
- Did you know insurance doesn’t cover getting rolled by a tranny hooker? I sure didn’t.
- How rich is Ke$ha, exactly? A multimillionaire? Bear in mind, the answer to this question determines who’s the grossest chick I’d bang.
- It’s crazy how some people just fly off the handle when you call John Lennon a faggot.
- My arms are too short to box with God, but I’m more of a grappler/submission fighter. If I can avoid the K.O., I think I can wear Him down.
- My golf handicap is poverty.
- Greedo shot from the grassy knoll.
- We didn’t have the internet when I was a lad. I had to learn about the birds and bees from 2 Live Crew.
- The Bible is literally true, and I’m disgusted by society’s rampant sexual immorality. It’s “Adam Jr. & his sister,” not “Adam & Steve.”
- If corndogs became sentient, what NASCAR fan would escape their brutal vengeance?
- Cops should make the Smooth Criminal lean part of the field sobriety test.
- “Prophet” is way more lucrative than “Savior,” and requires zero results.
- “Blue-Collar Schmo” has worked out OK for me, but I’d like to at least briefly try “Heartless Billionaire.” I bet I’d be good at that too.
- When bad things happen to good people, I see it as proof that my prayers do indeed carry weight.
- Any time anyone says “Smaug” in The Hobbit, that word should be overdubbed by Trey Parker
- My sister says she’s concerned about my mental health, but my neighbor’s dog says I’m on the right path. Sorry, Sis; I defer to Bandit.
- Hint for my Secret Santa: Everybody needs AA batteries and weed.
- You can rock a Hitler moustache if you’re: A)Charlie Chaplin B)Michael Jordan C)J. Jonah Jameson D)a vagina. And the first 3 are still iffy
- I’m against gay marriage because it’s an unnatural lifestyle. Monogamy, I mean.
- The Presidentially-Pardoned Thanksgiving Turkey should tour famine-ravaged nations with full Secret Service protection, just to be a dick.