Doc’s Top 15 Tweets of 2012

  • There’s really no good course of action when confronted by a necrophiliac bear.
  • My ninjitsu is so deft that everyone’s convinced I’m an uncoordinated white guy.
  • Soup is either a food that’s not solid, or a drink without booze in it. So either way, fuck soup.
  • If I could live in any fictional universe, it would be the DARE one, where people are always aggressively offering you free drugs.
  • Mitt wins the “candidate you’d rather have a beer with” test, cuz it’d be rad to see him defy his creepy booze-hating God.
  • If I was a billionaire, I’d buy the naming rights to a ballpark and christen it Buttfart Field.
  • Sweet band name: Thomas Alva Oedipus & the Motherfuckin’ Geniuses #trademarkdoctorhandsome
  • For an event with no fatties, the Olympics has a crazy amount of unappealing cameltoes.
  • Each new gray hair in my sideburns is a cruel reminder to women my age that they’re less desirable by the day. Being a dude rules.
  • MEMO TO HOLLYWOOD: You’ve shit on a lot of things, but if you ever try to remake Columbo, you and me are fucking done.
  • Surprisingly, Replacement Refs outnumbered Banes 2-to-1 this Halloween. Pirate Hookers were at an all-time high, which I’m fine with.
  • It’s mostly bitchy white liberals who call me racist. The coloreds just call me an asshole.
  • When you decline to perform cunnilingus, at least they can’t say, “An African would be happy to eat that.”
  • I know this is heartless, but I’m glad when news turns the focus of Christmas arguments to Gun Control instead of my Problem Drinking.
  • All I want for Christmas is for President Obama to solve all the problems in my life. Using someone else’s money, if possible.

Follow Doctor Handsome on Twitter@sovietdisco


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