Doc’s Top 50 Tweets of 2011

  • FACT: If you smoked pot in the 90’s, you know all the lyrics of Doggystyle.
  • Guy goes to the doctor. The doctor says, “You’re fat.” Guy says, “I want a second opinion.” Doctor says, “Your slut wife is fat, too.”
  • Omelets are like female orgasms. I fucking love them, but I’m usually too lazy to put one together.
  • “Stick around. According to Jim is up next.”  Make up your mind, TBS.
  • I often lay awake at night wondering if I’m really a bad enough dude to rescue the president from ninjas.
  • In Mega Man, you murder guys and absorb their special abilities. If that worked in real life, Courtney Love would be an awesome songwriter.
  • People get uncomfortable when you wear sunglasses at trough urinals.
  • That drunk at the bar had a voice for Radio. By which I mean he sounded like the retard Cuba Gooding played.
  • I always wanted to play guitar, but I wasn’t good at it right away, so I quit. Just like skateboarding, or cunnilingus.
  • I’m a Renaissance Man, in the sense that I have the hygiene of a man from the 14th century.
  • Englishmen are a paradox: they’re gay, but they can’t dance.
  • The worst way to die has to be starving to death while falling down a Bottomless Pit.
  • Well, so now I’ll know better next year: April 1 is NOT an ideal day to get an HIV test.
  • Nothing against motorcycles, but I’m baffled by the concept of your method of transportation determining your social circle.
  • Every American should learn a few phrases in Chinese. Like whatever the translation for “the vig” is. That’s one we’ll probably hear a lot.
  • Battleship is a great game for kids, because it’s never too early to learn the importance of cheating.
  • I don’t vote, because I’m a felon. Not a CONVICTED felon, but I honor the spirit of the law. That’s called integrity, bitches.
  • I joke, but I’m crying on the inside. Maybe I should see a doctor. Livers probably aren’t supposed to do that.
  • I have no use for the word “limn.”  At all.  It could stop being a word tomorrow, and I’d never notice.
  • MEMO TO HIPPIES: Spirituality is an even bigger crock than Religion. Take a shower.
  • If the warden is gay, it’s completely acceptable to end a sentence with a proposition.
  • Pessimists say toast falls butter-side down. I write the toast off regardless of how it lands. My floor is filthy. Bread is cheap. Fuck it.
  • Superman’s weakness is kryptonite. Wonder Woman’s is parallel parking. Also math.
  • Top 5 Best Wingmen: 1) Your buddy’s hot girlfriend 2) A baby 3) A gay dude 4) A dog 5) Mark Cuban
  • I love shenanigans, but I hate repercussions.
  • Spit. Swallow. As long as you get it out of me, everything’s jake
  • When I hear Sarah McLachlin, I think of tortured puppies. Not because of commercials, either. Her voice just sounds like tortured puppies.
  • That which does not kill me is hopefully a rad anecdote.
  • The Prestige is a mindfuck of a movie. It turns out that Alfred was helping Wolverine AGAINST Batman the whole time.
  • At this point, I’ll bet Angelina Jolie’s vagina resembles one of those, “Yip yip yip yip yip, uh-huh, uh-huh,” Martians from Sesame Street.
  • I just wanted to say: I have nunchucks.
  • If God didn’t want me to take drugs, He wouldn’t have made me be sober without them.
  • How fucking awesome would an album of Fred Schneider covering Violent Femmes songs be? The answer: Very.
  • “Unnecessarily redundant” is recursion.
  • “Election fraud” is a redundancy.
  • People magazine just named Jennifer Lopez the most beautiful woman in the world. Because People magazine lives in 1997, and is a black dude.
  • Veganism is a viable lifestyle if you’re a cute hippie chick, or Moby. Otherwise, you suck. Eat a damn steak.
  • “SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: Quitting smoking now greatly reduces risks to your health.” Well OK, fine, but that’s not technically a warning.
  • I traveled back in time to warn my 11-year-old self of a bad decision: “Never tell a kid with a butterfly knife you’re him from the future!”
  • I time-traveled to slap 17-year-old me. He called me a loser for not owning a car, so I told him Leo DiCaprio is my favorite actor. He wept.
  • Guess what, racists! Jesus was Black! That’s why Mary had to scramble for some crazy bullshit to tell Joseph.
  • I just saw an ad with the tagline, “WNBA Cares.”  Sorry, ladies, but America doesn’t reciprocate.
  • If our species went extinct, and only one work of art survived to remember the human race by, I’d want it to be “Yakety Sax.”
  • All-Time Best Rogues Galleries: #1 Batman #2 Dick Tracy #3 Pete & Pete.
  • For me, it’s not meat unless I’d feel bad if I had to look it in the eye and kill it myself. Fish=NOT MEAT. Cow=SORRY, BESSY. CONDOLENCES.
  • Canadians know it’s absurd to still be subjects of the queen, but she’s gettin’ on in years, and they don’t want to make a fuss aboot it.
  • I was going to write a book about influential German philosophers born in 1844, but my publisher said the topic was too niche-y.
  • I think I could make a good living playing the male lead’s chauvinistic drinking buddy in every romantic comedy.
  • What do you think would be the awesomest shit ever? If you answered, “lightsaber Wolverine claws,” we are on the same wavelength.
  • A stranger is just someone you don’t have a specific reason to hate yet.

Follow Doctor Handsome on Twitter: @sovietdisco


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