Despite widespread speculation that the End of Days would occur on May 21, 2011, most theologians now agree that The Rapture actually already happened about four years ago, and pretty much nobody even noticed or gave a shit.
Biblical scholars have reached a consensus that the assumption of the righteous into Heaven, as described in 1 Thessalonians 4:17, most likely occurred on June 14, 2007. Unfortunately, it is thought that only four people in the continental United States were deemed worthy by The Lord, and since those individuals were boring and friendless, the event went largely unacknowledged by the general public.
“So these are the Tribulations? Yeah, I guess that seems about right,” said Tea Party Activist/Freelance Apocalyptologist Darrell Givens. “But does this mean Obama is REALLY the Antichrist? Cuz, shoot, I was kinda just talkin’ out my ass when I said that.”
Reached for comment, Growing Pains actor Kirk Cameron issued a terse two-word statement: “Fucking bullshit.”