Experts: The Rapture Happened Four Years Ago

Despite widespread speculation that the End of Days would occur on May 21, 2011, most theologians now agree that The Rapture actually already happened about four years ago, and pretty much nobody even noticed or gave a shit.

Biblical scholars have reached a consensus that the assumption of the righteous into Heaven, as described in 1 Thessalonians 4:17, most likely occurred on June 14, 2007. Unfortunately, it is thought that only four people in the continental United States were deemed worthy by The Lord, and since those individuals were boring and friendless, the event went largely unacknowledged by the general public.

“So these are the Tribulations? Yeah, I guess that seems about right,” said Tea Party Activist/Freelance Apocalyptologist Darrell Givens. “But does this mean Obama is REALLY the Antichrist? Cuz, shoot, I was kinda just talkin’ out my ass when I said that.”

Reached for comment, Growing Pains actor Kirk Cameron issued a terse two-word statement: “Fucking bullshit.”

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11 thoughts on “Experts: The Rapture Happened Four Years Ago

  1. warkitten

    Hey no shit. Doc Handsome! I used to follow your blogs on the now culturally defunct MySpace. Well, it mustve happened already. Or I’m on God’s proverbial ‘naughty list’. Or, Harold Camping is a crock of shit. I’m going with the latter, simply because its past 6pm EST, and I’m still here, taking a dump.

  2. That was the Rapture that happened four years ago. The Rapeture took place yesterday – where every Tea Party member across the U.S. was cornholed by Glenn Beck. This shall also occur at the “Restoring Courage” rally to be held in August in Jerusalem, another event no one will notice or give a shit about.

  3. (a) Fuc King Bullshit is actually three words
    (b) Gil Scott-Heron was the Antichrist. Obama is merely Beelzebub’s sock-puppet
    (c) Blog, damn you

    P.S. That fortune cookie made my day

  4. The Apocalypse is fucking retarded. It’s kinda like asking Quelgoff to stop deleting accounts, changing user names and actually sitting down to blog without going on hiatus every five minutes. It’s never gonna happen.

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