Washington, DC – In a stunning revelation, President Obama told reporters this morning that Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden has actually been dead since at least Thursday morning. That fact had been covered up all weekend by lovable losers Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman, so they could live it up at the 9/11 mastermind’s bitchin’ party mansion.
McCarthy and Silverman told US forces that when they arrived at Bin Laden’s lavish Pakistani estate (well-stocked with top-shelf liquor, 80’s party jams, and babes, babes, BABES!) early Thursday, they found the infamous terrorist leader dead from an apparent speedball overdose. Determined not to let this development derail The Awesomest Weekend Ever, the affable slackers concocted a wacky scheme to convince their fellow partygoers that the world’s most wanted man was still alive and gettin’ biz-zay.
The subterfuge relied heavily on sunglasses, crude puppeteering, and the obscene amounts of ecstasy and cocaine ingested by Bin Laden’s other party guests. The excuse that the elusive Bin Laden had “had a few too many” proved surprisingly effective. A medically fascinating postmortem priapism even allowed the mass-murdering jihadist to get lucky with a particularly ditzy bimbo.
When the ruse was uncovered by Navy SEALs on Sunday, Silverman gave an impassioned speech in which he admitted that he and McCarthy had made mistakes, but sometimes you want something so badly, you lose sight of how to do the right thing. And sometimes it takes a special lady to remind you of what’s really important.
McCarthy and Silverman are expected to be prosecuted for treason and executed.