Cousin Dave Live Tweets the Royal Wedding

As you may recall, the last time my cousin Dave contributed to Soviet Disco, his performance was less than exemplary. I hadn’t intended to work with him again, but he convinced me to give him a second chance. So I gave him the worst assignment in the world: reporting on the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton via twitter. Here’s what @MothafuckinDave had to say about the nuptials in real time: 

  • Man, shits all fuckd tonight.
  • Shit, doc’s sent me like 15vtexts like “Where are you?” I’m here, @sovietdisco. I’m doing it. Nothins happened yet.
  • Whats with the fucjkin bells, yo? Knock that shit off.
  • This shit looks hardcore like a nazi rally.
  • When’s Micky Rourk gonna come electric-whip the shit outta these cars?
  • these goddam fucin bells are still pissin me of.
  • Yay, it’s an old fucking lady. are americans suposed to care that thus bitch still exists?
  • i don’t even know what hese brit fuckrs are ta;lking about, but they mentioned arrested Development. So that happened.
  • QUeen Elizabeth as: Col. Mustard.
  • I didnt know this was tonite. I was in the middlr of some other shit. I gotta take about 5 to deal with somethin. Nothings happening yet.
  • OK, IM not actually watching it at the moment, but I’m checking in by phone.it might be a wile til i ccan get back.
  • who has a fucking wedding at 4am anyway? That’s a logical time for a drug deal, but shit
  • Yea, its definitely a while until i gert bac k to a TV. I assume the wedding is lovely.
  • @sovietdisco can you spot me 50 bucks like right now? srsly
  •  @sovietdisco for real, hit me back. I cn really use that cash rioght now.
  •  @sovietdisco answr your phone check your tweets, fukc9on get back to me. not ajoke
  • Holy shit, that was a sketchuy sitation. im seeing the wedding again now, and the prince is like a MOuntie, or what? Nice tits on the bride.
  • now its like the munchkins sendinfg dorothy on her way to “Us and Them”>
  • So Britain’s just a land of silly ridiciluos makebeleive, right?
  • Evry single thhing about england is gay.
  • What’s the point of being royalty if the broads on the parade rout dont have there tits out.
  • Thwre should be monkeys ridnig tigers. Why arent there?
  • its the perfect combination of nazi and hobbit.
  • There all hollerin’ for Carson DALy.
  • THAT WAS THE PENGUIN! THAT GUY WAS DRESSED LIKE THE PENGUIN!!
  • Englands military sucks. the Oakland RAiders could beat up their whole army.
  •  @sovietdisco i still need rthat money. soon.
  • Wheres’ jOhn Madden to draw dongs on the crowd with thre telestrater?
  •  @sovietdisco shit im in julios trunk right now call benny and get him 600$ quick please dude
  • beny j not benny f.
  •  @sovietdisco godamn it answer me fuck

I haven’t been in touch with Cousin Dave since then.

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