Ask a Drunk Guy Listening to R.E.M.

 

Bill Schmidt is not a licensed therapist. He’s a roofer from Holmen, Wisconsin who enjoys Gordon’s Vodka and is a casual fan of the rock group R.E.M. Send your questions about romance, finances, or What The Frequency Is to Ask a Drunk Guy Listening to R.E.M, care of Soviet Disco.

 

  Dear Drunk Guy Listening to R.E.M.,

My mother-in-law has always disliked me. At every family gathering, she makes critical comments about me relentlessly. Even worse, she undermines me in front of my children. I could even put up with all this if my husband would for once defend me, but he seems unwilling to contradict his mother. How can I get him to realize that he needs to stick up for his wife?

– Ostracized in Ohio

Dear Ostracized,

Hmmnmn… Hmnnnnnmhnmn…yeah yeah yeah yeah…. dadadadedadedade… yeah yeah yeah yeah… HADDYDIDDYDOO about this one!! Tell me how we rocked in a lunch! Andy are you goofin’ on ELVIS, sayin’ BABY!!! Are we losin’ TOUCH?! IF YOU BELIEEEEEEEVE!! THEY PUT A MAN ON THE MOON, MAN ON THE MOOON! AND IF YOU BELIEVE, THEY PUT- oh…uh,… NOTHIN’ THAT’S COOL!! Yeah, Yeah!!

Dear Drunk Guy Listening to R.E.M.,

I’ve signed up to the No-Call List, but I still receive telemarketing calls on a regular basis. Who’s in charge of this nonsense? How do I put a stop to these unwanted calls?

– Peeved in Pittsburgh

Dear Peeved,

EVERYBODY HUUURRRRRRTS! SOMETIMES! EVERY! BODY CRIIIIIIIIIES!!! SOOOOOOOO-METIIIIMES! EVRRRR-BODY HURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTS!!! I don’t care what you say, dude, this jam is a fuckin’ classic.

Dear Drunk Guy Listening to R.E.M.,

When I was walking back to my dorm last Friday night, a policeman stopped me and pulled me into his squad car. When he realized that I was alone, he slapped me around and forced me to perform oral sex on him. After he was finished, he threatened to plant drugs on me and have me sent to jail if I told anyone. It frightens me that this creep is still out on the streets, but I’m understandably reluctant to call the cops. Is there some third party where I can go to report this sick predator?

– Frightened and Violated

Dear Frightened and Violated,

Brmnbblmblmn…. nanana……… Deedadeedadeedadadum……… Hmmmmmm…… Nrrrmrn…… huh, huh..…. mmmmmmrrshhh……. homina homina homina… LEONARD BERNSTEIN!!!

Bill has a Facebook page he set up and then never went on ever again, and he can’t remember the password for his hotmail account. He’s probably cool to drive.

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2 thoughts on “Ask a Drunk Guy Listening to R.E.M.

    1. BRING DA MOTHERFUCKING RUCKUS!!!

      …yo. can you lends a nigga ten bucks? just ten bucks, thas all. yo. im serius – i’ll suck yo diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick.

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