Chapter 14: The Legend of Blacula’s Baculum
“Don’t shoot! I’m unarmed!” the intruder shouted. As he stepped into the light, I holstered my raygun. It was the dude from Star Trek: Enterprise, Scott Bakula!
“Listen up, Doc,” Bakula said, “I can’t Leap until I help you lift the curse on that Eastern European village where you impressed everybody with your iPhone and gave them all crabs. Ziggy says there’s a 96.42569311% chance we can lift the curse if we journey to the Catacombs of Zarnoth and retrieve the Baculum of Blacula.”
“Blacula?” I asked incredulously. “You mean Mamuwalde, the legendary African vampire prince?”
“The very same,” he replied.
“And… wait… baculum? Are you saying that, like most mammals other than humans, he has a penile bone, to facilitate extended mating sessions?”
He nodded solemnly. “All vampires do. That’s a little-known fact.”
“And we’re supposed to get that? Holy shit. So… uh… I gotta ask…”
“Huge, man. He’s fucking Blacula.”
At this point, my mind was struggling to process all this bizarre new information, but Bakula just kept talking, relating inane anecdotes from the set of Men of a Certain Age. Apparently, Andre Braugher and Ray Romano are total pricks in real life. But I wasn’t really interested in that crap at the moment.
“Assuming it’s actually factual, let’s get back to Blacula’s spectacular baculum, Bakula,” I ejaculated. “Are we questin’ for a mystical dick-bone, or what?”
“You bet your ass we are,” Bakula assured me. “Next stop: Tijuana!”
Continued in Chapter 15: “Why Am I in a Dress, and Where’s My Kidney?”, or, “DAMN YOU, SCOTT BAKULA!!!”