Ask a Cat

 

Mr. Buttons, total asshole

Mr. Buttons is a domesticated animal who receives free food, shelter, and affection from humans without providing any useful service whatsoever. So logic would dictate that he must be a faithful companion you can turn to when you’re down. Send your queries for Mr. Buttons to “Ask a Cat,” care of Soviet Disco.

Dear Mr. Buttons:
I’m Catholic, and my wife is Jewish. This isn’t a big deal to us, but my parents just found out that we don’t plan to have our children baptized, and it’s causing some major tension in the family. How can I make my parents understand that the religious ideals we raise our kids with are none of their business?
– Interfaithful Husband

Dear Interfaithful Husband:
Fuck you.
– Mr. Buttons

Dear Mr. Buttons:
My husband and I recently came into an unexpected financial windfall, and would like to make a charitable donation, to help better the lives of the less fortunate. But you hear all these stories about crooked charities where almost none of the money goes to the people it’s supposed to help. How can we find out which charities are on the up-and-up?
– Inexperienced Donor

Dear Inexperienced Donor:
Fuck you. Pet me.
– Mr. Buttons

Dear Mr. Buttons:
Ouch! I thought you wanted me to pet you, and you were purring at first, but then you just turned around and bit me for no reason! What gives?
– Inexperienced Donor

Dear Inexperienced Donor:
Fuck you.
-Mr. Buttons

Dear Mr. Buttons:
Who’s my bestest fwiend? Who is? You is! Yes you is! Yes you is! I wuv you sooooo much!
– Mommy

Dear Janet:
I despise you. Shut up and feed me, cunt.
– Mr. Buttons

Confidential to Lovelorn in Pittsburgh: Fuck you.

Mr. Buttons is a regular contributor to icanhascheezburger.com, and is currently sleeping on your baby’s face.

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