BP To Deploy Self-Aware Nanites To Oil Spill

Port Fourchon, LA – It was announced on Monday that British Petroleum’s latest attempt to repair the catastrophic oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico will utilize thousands of sentient nanorobots. It is perhaps the company’s boldest stratagem yet to combat the disaster.

According to BP spokesman Douglas Trenton, the sophisticated microscopic robots have the ability to manipulate matter at the molecular level, and can operate independently of any human oversight. “With their coldly logical hive-mind and their ability to autonomously self-replicate, these nanites are the perfect solution,” stated Trenton, adding, “We’re pretty sure we’ve got it licked this time.”

Many skeptical observers have blasted the plan, claiming that as the nigh-omnipotent nanobot swarm evolves, it is likely to view Homo sapiens as a threat – perhaps even a virus to be eradicated. These critics note with some alarm that the nanites have already gained complete control of BP’s mainframes and begun constructing an exponentially-expanding neural network.

Trenton dismissed such concerns, saying, “We’ve heard all these Chicken-Little scenarios before. It seems like every time an unstoppable artificial intelligence grows at a geometric rate, the tinfoil-hat crowd is convinced it’s bound to destroy us all. Grow up, guys.”

“Besides, there are contingency plans,” Trenton noted. “If the nanites get out of hand, we’ll just contain them with the giant glass dome we’re constructing. And if that doesn’t work, there’s always Voodoo.”


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