Vatican: It Actually IS ‘Adam & Steve’

Vatican City – In a statement on Monday, Vatican spokesman Cardinal Louis Fontaneau admitted that the Catholic Church has been complicit in a centuries-long cover-up of a typo in the King James Bible that erroneously posited Adam and Eve as the first two humans. The original, divinely-inspired text identified them as Adam and Steve.

“This clears up a lot of concerns about the implied incest among Adam and Eve’s offspring to populate Earth,” noted Tufts University theology professor Maxwell Detweiller, “but it raises a whole host of other questions.”

“For example, I’ve compromised big chunks of my personal life based on the maxim, ‘It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve…’” Detweiller added, wistfully.

Many conservative activists mourned the loss of this super-compelling talking point. “Sure, ‘God Hates Fags,’ is a pretty airtight argument,” observed Tea Party protester/volunteer queer-stomper Darrell Givens, “but it doesn’t even rhyme. Rhyming helps me remember.”

“Maybe we should have come clean a lot earlier,” said Pope Benedict XVI, in a characteristic sort-of-apology, “but if you had a billion people who believed that you were No-Shit Infallible, tell me you wouldn’t fuck with ’em just a little?”

When asked if the Church was ready to cop to the full extent of its complicity in the Holocaust, Cardinal Fontaneau just laughed bitterly and left the podium.

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