Donaghy Falls, MN – Scandal rocked City Hall on Wednesday, when it was revealed that two-term Donaghy Falls mayor Penis W. Buttfart Jr. is, in reality, three mischievous second-graders stacked on each others’ shoulders.
Kyle Schwartz, 8, Billy Walsh, 8, and Justin Kenner, 7, admitted that they initially posed as a mayoral candidate as part of an elaborate scheme to avoid doing a book report. But after unexpectedly winning the election, Kenner says the trio continued the subterfuge because they “figured being Mayor might be cool. Like, maybe we’d get to meet Batman.”
The ruse was finally exposed during a press conference on Wednesday, when Walsh’s phony moustache fell off, prompting the whole crowd to gasp in unison. At this point, Schwartz’s rascally dog Buster tugged the boys’ overcoat off, causing them to stumble and fall off the stage into a tuba.
“See?! I told you there was something fishy about that guy!!” said local real estate developer Don Bitterman, who ran unsuccessfully against the incumbent Buttfart in February’s mayoral race. “During our debate, his torso kept giggling and going, ‘Shhh! Shut up, shut up!’ Now we know why.”
Added Bitterman, “In light of the mayor’s deceit, it should be obvious that his claims of me loving to eat my own poop have no credibility.”
Due to the controversy, the soon-to-be-grounded youngsters resigned from office on Thursday, reluctantly turning in their big “MAYOR” sash and top hat. Schwartz kept the monocle.