Princeton, IL – On Wednesday, obese local man Walter Chin absentmindedly strolled across a freshly-mopped section of floor in the Arby’s on Jefferson Boulevard. Hilariously, he slipped and fell right on his big fat ass, delighting onlookers.
Nearby customers and employees who saw Porky take a tumble agreed unanimously that it was the funniest shit they’d seen for some time. “Hahaha, that tubby fucker totally ate it, hard!” said eyewitness Chris Patel. “You should’ve seen his blubbery man-tits flop when he hit the ground! It was a thing of beauty.”
Enhancing the comedic perfection of the scene, the 287-pound Chin had been carrying a large Butterfinger Polar Swirl, which he completely spilled all over his cartoonishly-oversized frame as he went down. While the stunned and possibly injured lardwad rolled back and forth on the floor like a doped-up manatee, struggling to sit upright, his fellow human beings put varying degrees of effort into stifling their laughter.
The bystanders abruptly lost interest in the sublimely humorous situation, however, when a big-tittied woman in the restaurant stubbed her toe, eliciting heartfelt sympathy and concern from all nearby.
Soviet Disco 
I gauge my need for exercise by the amount of boing I get from hitting a speed bump.
The last sentence in the second paragraph is almost awesome enough to make me forget what a disgraceful pud you are. Almost.
Good thing they widened the doorways recently to accomodate super-sized lardos…or nobody would have had the opportunity to witness Shamu break his ass.
I love a good human interest story. I’m really looking forward to the follow-up story on the big-tittied woman.