Best Picture – Smart money is on the gritty remake of the classic Marx Brothers bomb-squad farce The Hoit Locker. But I’m predicting an upset, either by Quentin Tarantino’s Unglamerous Retards, the tale of some scrappy kids who hatch a wacky scheme to kill Hitler [SPOILER ALERT: They kill Hitler], or the Coen Brothers’ A Semitic Man, which has Richard Kind, a naked chick, and Wolowitz from The Big Bang Theory in it. They’re both pretty dope. A dark horse contender is District 9, which taught us that hideous tentacled alien monsters are more like black people than we realize.
Basically, I’ll be fine with whoever wins as long as it’s not James Cameron’s Ferngully remake.
Best Actor – The Dude. End of discussion.
Best Actress – I guess they’re trying to call this category “Best Female Actor” now, because saying the exact same thing with more words is fucking classy. I’m predicting it will go to newcomer Cleveland Brown Jr. for Precious. That scene where Precious turned into a human bowling ball and knocked over all the pirates to save Rufio brought tears to my eyes.
Best Supporting Actor – Christoph Waltz should win easily, and I hope he does. Maybe then he’ll be able to afford those two letters his first name is sorely missing.
Best Supporting Actress – Comedienne Mo’Nique is expected to walk away with this one for her dramatic turn in Precious, which should be a huge relief to her agent. Because she’s so, so bad at comedy.
Best Documentary – Shockingly, Michael Moore’s film Capitalistic Consumption is Wrong: Reflections from a Corpulent Millionaire wasn’t even nominated. So the Holocaust one, I guess. There’s a Holocaust one, right?
Best Foreign Language Film – THIS AWARD SUPPORTS TERRORISM.
Best Animated Film – Up will win this, which will be bittersweet. Because getting a Best Picture nomination but winning Best Cartoon instead is like thinking you might fuck Megan Fox but then just getting a handy from Betty White. Sure, it’s still really awesome, but…
Best Editing – They say the mark of good editing is when you don’t notice it. So this one should go to I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, which was seen by no one and remembered by fewer.
Best Original Song – I dunno, Randy Newman, maybe? I don’t even know who’s nominated. [UPDATE: I looked it up, and Randy Newman is, in fact, 40% of the nominees.]
Best Screenplay (Original) – Hahahaha! Original screenplay! What a quaint oxymoron.
Best Screenplay (Adapted) – Look, I’ll level with you: I’m out of jokes, OK? Let’s just wrap this shit up.
Best Director – Since they already gave President and Nobel Peace Prize to a black guy, they’re gonna want to give Best Director to a girl this year. So yeah, the chick will probably win.