Hershey, PA – Beloved sandwich spread Peanut Butter came under fire Tuesday, when it was accused by feminist icon Chocolate of sexual assault.
“He got Peanut Butter in my Chocolate!” stated the enraged cocoa-based confection. “I was saving myself for pretzels!”
“Man, that bitch totally wanted it,” Peanut Butter responded. “Wearin’ that shiny wrapper and shit. Did she mention that she got chocolate all up in my Peanut Butter? Oh, yeah. That fuckin’ happened.”
Willing to back up Chocolate was Glenn Beck’s dog, Gipper, who said, “Even though Chocolate might someday kill me, I have to speak out against Peanut Butter’s malfeasance. Every time I lick it off Glenn’s balls, I have trouble getting it off the roof of my mouth, and I end up looking ridiculous.”
In light of pending legal actions, both parties have referred all questions to their respective attorneys, Jelly and Nougat.