Punxsutawney, PA – In an unsettling development on Tuesday, beloved groundhog “Punxsutawney Phil” emerged from his hole on Gobbler’s Knob and prophesied “rivers of blood,” and “unending torments for the wretched rabble of humanity.”
Each February 2nd, the nation looks to Phil to forecast the coming of spring. This year, however, the adorable prognosticating rodent announced in a foreboding baritone that, “All will suffer. Unfathomable plagues shall be visited upon you, and hellfire shall consume all nations.”
Punxsutawney mayor James Wehrle, visibly shaken, begged the photogenic woodchuck to clarify his ominous premonition. Phil, his eyes glowing an unearthly red while his head rotated 720° , bellowed, “WOE!!! Woe be to the Sons of Adam!!”
“Sorry, folks,” Wehrle informed the assembled crowd, “but he says we’ve got six more weeks of winter!”
The raffle was won by Mrs. Edna Friedman, who took home a brand new Honda Insight, courtesy of Torgerson Brothers Honda and 96.3 FM (The Noize).