Weehawken, NJ – After drinking heavily at the bars Thursday night, local man Randy Hackworth, 23, kept partying with friends at his apartment, until it became apparent that there was no way he could get enough sleep before work in the morning. At that point, Hackworth made the bold decision to “just stay up,” noting, “Fuck it.”
Hackworth reasoned that if he fell asleep, he’d never be able to wake up in three hours for his shift at Superstar Video. But if he stayed wasted, he could power through that shit, since, “Friday mornings are dead,” and, “It’ll just be me and Enrique there. It’ll totally be cool.”
“Randy’s retarded,” stated drinking buddy Will Broderick, “but I don’t work tomorrow, so what do I care?” adding, “Hey! Either hit that bong or pass it, bitch!”
Hackworth expressed relief that he didn’t have to work the Friday evening shift, as, “That’s when all those sad married fucks whose idea of a wild weekend is renting Up come in with their shitty kids. It gets busy.” Sources say Friday night is also when Gerald – the dick manager – works.
Hackworth followed through on his plan, successfully making it to work and doing the bare minimum to remain employed. According to Enrique, Hackworth “kind of creeped out a couple of customers,” and fell into a shelf of blu-rays, knocking over a dozen copies of This Is It, but otherwise completed his shift without incident.
As of press time, Hackworth had been sleeping for 17 hours, and Enrique was getting high and resolving to go back to school.