Copenhagen Conference Fails to Solve World’s Problems

Copenhagen, Denmark – The U.N. summit on climate change ended on a bittersweet note for many environmental activists Friday.  The U.S. reached a non-binding agreement with key nations such as Brazil and China to limit temperature rises to less than 2° Celsius, yet fell short of imposing specific targets for greenhouse gas cuts.  Also, they didn’t even promise me that my grandma will never die.

 “It’s great that so many world leaders are willing to engage in meaningless grandstanding on this issue, but why couldn’t they have made bigger, more reckless declarations?” asked Toby Weismann of the nonprofit group Earth First, Last, and Only.  “We were hoping for a guarantee that AIDS would be cured within the decade, or at least an end to racism.”

Without any concrete assurances that the world’s governments will somehow eliminate traffic jams and make papercuts give you orgasms, many observers have begun to doubt that the conference’s stated goals of mastering time-travel and meeting the world’s energy needs with cold fusion are likely to be achieved any time soon.

Perhaps saddest of all, forcing Sam Raimi to make Evil Dead IV wasn’t even discussed.

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5 thoughts on “Copenhagen Conference Fails to Solve World’s Problems

  1. I think global bureaucrats have a better chance at actualizing instantaneous world peace, ending poverty, hunger, or eliminating genocide than they do all those other fanciful things. They also have a better chance at making farts smell like pure ambrosia and finding little green men in outer space.

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