Chagrin Falls, OH – Authorities say they have finally apprehended the infamous public urinator known as “Calvin.” They allege that for years, the suspect, age 6, had relieved himself on all that displeased him.
“These weren’t just random pee-scapades,” Det. Ben Ulrich said of the multi-state weewee spree. “He made it a point to micturate on anything he found to be sucky, schwag, or total bullshit.”
An equal-opportunity offender, the habitual whizzer has turned his stream of liquid derision on both Chevy and Ford; the Yankees and the Red Sox; and every American president since George H.W. Bush.
NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon, a frequent recipient of “Calvin’s” golden showers, blamed a lack of parental oversight. “ ‘Bill W.’ [the suspect’s father] has known about this for a long time,” Gordon stated. “If he had taken action the first time it happened, the problem would never have gotten this bad.”
Although “Calvin” is now in custody, the notorious graffiti vandal dubbed “El Barto” remains at large.