Ask the Dog Whisperer

Cesar Millan is a world-renowned dog behavior specialist. On his National Geographic Channel series The Dog Whisperer, Cesar has helped rehabilitate countless problem dogs, while simultaneously teaching their owners how to take charge. Now, Cesar has brought his know-how to the internet, where he will answer all your canine queries in his new online advice column, Ask the Dog Whisperer.

Dog: "For Christ's sake, call the police!!"
Pictured: Cesar Millan, engaging in Totally Not Weird behavior

Dear Cesar,
My dog Max barks his head off any time someone walks past the house. No matter how much I scold him and try to get him to shut up, he just keeps barking like I’m not even there. Why won’t he listen to me?
-Bill W, Ft. Lauderdale, FL

Dear Bill,
Max does not obey your commands because he does not view you as an authority figure. It is of utmost importance to assert yourself as the dominant one in the relationship. In dog packs, the pack leader will often show dominance by forcibly humping one of the other males in the pack. Therefore, I would suggest that you fuck Max in the ass as often as needed to assert control.
-Cesar

Dear Cesar,
Petey, my 2 year-old beagle, cannot be trusted around other dogs. Taking Petey for a walk is always an ordeal, and I shudder to think what would happen if an unleashed dog came up to Petey before I could steer us away from it. Help!
-Kelly J, Merkinsville, KS

Dear Kelly,
You don’t say whether “Kelly” is a man or a woman’s name in your case. If you are indeed a woman, I would advise investing in a sturdy strap-on dildo, so you can fuck Petey in the ass, hard, and assert yourself as pack leader. Only then can you expect to influence Petey’s behavior.
-Cesar

Dear Cesar,
Recently I’ve been banging my dog Barney in the asshole, to show him who’s boss. How can I be sure I’m doing it right?
-Roger S, Saugerties, NY

Dear Roger,
The important thing to remember is that you’re fucking the dog, not making love. So that means no foreplay, no eye contact, no cuddling, and no conversation. And definitely no lube. Once the dog learns to accept it going in dry, you will know he is in the calm, submissive state we are looking for.
-Cesar

Dear Cesar,
After having behavioral difficulties with my fox terrier, Muffin, I followed your advice and started fucking her in the ass on a regular basis. Only now, I think I might be falling in love! What should I do?
-Ken G, Warhammer, MI

Dear Ken,
Brother, you really fell off. There’s no way some bitchmade punk in love is ever gonna be pack leader! If you ain’t got no pimp hand, bring Muffin over to my place. There’s always room for one more bitch in my stable.
-Cesar

Dear Cesar,
I always try to lay down the law with our cocker spaniel, Lucy, but my wife indulges her as though she’s a spoiled little princess. How can I get Lucy to behave herself despite these conflicting messages?
-Nate K, North Haverbrook, AZ

Dear Nate,
Clearly, the root of the problem is that your wife doesn’t respect your authority as Husband. I think you know what you need to do.
-Cesar

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14 thoughts on “Ask the Dog Whisperer

  1. Dear Cesar,
    I have been giving it to my Chocolate Lab, coco, in the ass and he seems to have developed some interesting new habits. He now barks with a lisp, and walks a little more limp pawed than usual. He has also picked up a new chewing habit, he tends to bite his big rainbow colored pillow of a doggie bed more often. I’m not complaining, just thought I would brag a little.
    -Joey M, Sandusky, Ohio

  2. Kaila Tatro

    Cesar,
    I have 2 friends that have 5 dogs in there pack and there is a huge issue with the biggest dog they have she is a malamute . It is getting to the point where we fear for the other dogs and can’t handle her any more but they love all there animals and do not want to just give up on her they have watched your show so much that they do everything you do and things still do not work. When ever these things happen we are not able to get them on video in time because we are just to bissy trying to get them apart. It is so bad that my husband and I have had to help break the fights up and it is killing my friends to see there dogs fight. They have been bitten in the process of breaking it up. Please if you have any advise would you contact me at my e-mail, to help my friends figure out what to do in there own pack.

    1. Forcibly sodomizing a vicious malamute can be extremely dangerous for someone without proper training. You might need to bring in a professional.

      I would suggest engaging the services of porn star Tony Duncan, better known as Mr. 18″.

  3. Cesar,

    Your wonderfully awesome advice not only works on dogs, it also works on chimps and get THIS..other animals!

    Your advice is golden, whether they are an alpha dominated pack, herding, or solo species, the assraep t0tally pwns!

    Why I had this awful alpha male chimp, whom I call George W., he was soo abusive to the others in his group. Well, after one night with my broom handle, he did a complete 180…so calm and passive now.

    Come to think of it, I’ve been a total bitch lately. S’pose I could use some ass fucking to put me back in my place too. lawl!!1

    Love,
    Jane

  4. tammy

    well i have a shih-a-pom, and all he wants to do is bark at anyone that comes over to see us.i need help?his name is colby jack ,hes a good dog but for that ilove him but colby just makes me mad sometimes when that happens,

  5. Jessica

    Hi, i have 2 days one is one and a half years old and the other is one year, the one and a half year old he likes to pee on boxes and garbage bags even if i let him outside as soon as i let him in he will go right to them and pee on it.. i can’t even keep my bed room door open without him peeing on it and the one year old will only pee when the other one does he goes over his pee….. aslso the one and a half year old when i try to disaplin him he like to growel and try to bit us??? what can i do to stop it him from doing it? will getting him a shock collar work or if i get him fix?? please help me …..

  6. Miki

    hi, i have a 8year old toy poodle who became diabetic at the age of 4. he is the best of the best. obedient and lovable. he is amazing and i am so sad that he is bridled with this disease. he is doing so well with it and allows me to inject him with insulin and even shares his urine so that i can test it. he is unbelievable. one thing he does that is strange to me anyway is that whenever he hears sirens, he howls like a wolf. he looks totally adorable. is this something usual with poodles? besides this question, i would like to know how to exercise him with this disease. all he does is lie around and play ball but no real exercise. i’m afraid to walk him outdoors with so many loose dogs, i’m afraid to be attacked and have a dog snatch him and kill him. so, is there anything i can do with Pepee so that he can become peppy? please advise me. i really love him so much. he is such a good patient.

  7. BLANCA HUERTAS

    hello, I am a 64 yr.old woman who lives right now in Puerto Rico but I am planning on moving to Georgia. So far all I have found is that wherever I plan to rent, I can only have 2 pets(small). I own 2 cats and 3 dogs.What do I do? Love them, they are old and I can’t see me taking them down to put them to sleep. Please tell me what to do. Thank you, God Bless. I cried so much when I found out that Daddy had passed.

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