Cesar Millan is a world-renowned dog behavior specialist. On his National Geographic Channel series The Dog Whisperer, Cesar has helped rehabilitate countless problem dogs, while simultaneously teaching their owners how to take charge. Now, Cesar has brought his know-how to the internet, where he will answer all your canine queries in his new online advice column, Ask the Dog Whisperer.
My dog Max barks his head off any time someone walks past the house. No matter how much I scold him and try to get him to shut up, he just keeps barking like I’m not even there. Why won’t he listen to me?
-Bill W, Ft. Lauderdale, FL
Max does not obey your commands because he does not view you as an authority figure. It is of utmost importance to assert yourself as the dominant one in the relationship. In dog packs, the pack leader will often show dominance by forcibly humping one of the other males in the pack. Therefore, I would suggest that you fuck Max in the ass as often as needed to assert control.
Petey, my 2 year-old beagle, cannot be trusted around other dogs. Taking Petey for a walk is always an ordeal, and I shudder to think what would happen if an unleashed dog came up to Petey before I could steer us away from it. Help!
-Kelly J, Merkinsville, KS
You don’t say whether “Kelly” is a man or a woman’s name in your case. If you are indeed a woman, I would advise investing in a sturdy strap-on dildo, so you can fuck Petey in the ass, hard, and assert yourself as pack leader. Only then can you expect to influence Petey’s behavior.
Recently I’ve been banging my dog Barney in the asshole, to show him who’s boss. How can I be sure I’m doing it right?
-Roger S, Saugerties, NY
The important thing to remember is that you’re fucking the dog, not making love. So that means no foreplay, no eye contact, no cuddling, and no conversation. And definitely no lube. Once the dog learns to accept it going in dry, you will know he is in the calm, submissive state we are looking for.
After having behavioral difficulties with my fox terrier, Muffin, I followed your advice and started fucking her in the ass on a regular basis. Only now, I think I might be falling in love! What should I do?
-Ken G, Warhammer, MI
Brother, you really fell off. There’s no way some bitchmade punk in love is ever gonna be pack leader! If you ain’t got no pimp hand, bring Muffin over to my place. There’s always room for one more bitch in my stable.
I always try to lay down the law with our cocker spaniel, Lucy, but my wife indulges her as though she’s a spoiled little princess. How can I get Lucy to behave herself despite these conflicting messages?
-Nate K, North Haverbrook, AZ
Clearly, the root of the problem is that your wife doesn’t respect your authority as Husband. I think you know what you need to do.