Transcript of President Barack Obama’s Interview With Fox News, 10/26/09
FOX NEWS: Good afternoon. Thank you for joining us.
PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA: Glad to be here, right in the den of vipers! I should say right off the bat, I just don’t get your network’s lack of team spirit.
FOX: How do you mean?
OBAMA: Well, the duty of the press in a free society is to unquestioningly support its political leaders, no matter what. The other networks seem to get that, but you guys just seem to want to spread crazy lies about me.
FOX: We absolutely don’t spread lies about you. That’s probably just your drug-addled, Marxist, delusional schizophrenia talking.
OBAMA: You are of the Devil.
FOX: Maybe we should just start the interview. So, “Mr. President,” …
OBAMA: Did you just do air quotes?
FOX: Of course not, Mr. Osama. But aren’t you systematically dismantling the Constitution in order to eventually declare yourself the infallible god-king of North America?
OBAMA: Hey, speaking of the Constitution, here’s a fun little tidbit: The Constitution explicitly states that treason is punishable by death. Look it up. Food for thought.
FOX: Next question: Your contempt for white people, Asians, and the handicapped is well-documented, but why do you derive so much sexual pleasure from videos of kittens having their skulls crushed by fat women in stiletto heels?
OBAMA: I just hope your grandma never needs expensive end-of-life care. Next question.
FOX: Should the American people be concerned about the very real possibility that you are a “Manchurian Candidate,” whose subliminal programming will be activated when a key phrase is uttered, at which point you will surrender our sovereignty to the Russians?
OBAMA: That question, while proving that you’re as dumb as a duffel bag full of dildos, merits a thoughtful response: Fuck You.
FOX: And isn’t it true that during your time in Indonesia, you lived as a pre-op ladyboy, and competed in Muay Thai tournaments under the name “The Mighty Daffodil?”
OBAMA: Hugo Chavez never has to put up with this nonsense. What’s his secret?
FOX: I’ll take that lack of response as an admission to being a malevolent extra-dimensional monstrosity here to enslave our children in his nightmarish underground toxic pornography mines. But I’ll give you the last word.
Oops, we’re out of time.