White House Brainstorming Session

Official minutes from White House economic policy meeting, 10.17.09

POTUS: Okay, folks, I won’t sugarcoat this: we’re in a pretty grim situation. It’s crucial that we devise new strategies to stimulate the economy, and above all, create jobs. So let’s come up with some ideas. Remember, this is a brainstorming session, so there are no bad ideas. Nothing is off the table at this point.

VPOTUS: Wreck shit up!

POTUS: Joe, we’ve already had this discussion. It’s out of the question.

VPOTUS: Jesus, Barry, you said there was no bad ideas!

POTUS: Fair enough, Joe. Fair enough. But let’s move forward. What have you got, Mr. Summers?

LHS: Well, Mr. President, I think we should consider diverting some of the stimulus money to large-scale public works projects. Granted, this is not a long-term solution, but it would provide a much-needed short-term boost to employment numbers, while simultaneously improving our infrastructure in ways that could pay dividends down the road.

POTUS: Excellent suggestion, Larry. Your thoughts, Rahm?

RE: I second Lawrence’s suggestion, Mr. President. But I also think we should consider some intensive urban renewal initiatives. Have you been to Detroit recently? It’s a shithole, sir.

VPOTUS: I’m telling you, wreck shit up! Then people gotta fix it. BOOM! Jobs, bitches!

POTUS: Joe, I’m not going to tell you again. That’s not happening.

LHS: If I may interject, sir, the Vice President’s plan, while inelegantly worded, may not be too far off base. A good number of important social-service programs have fallen into hopeless disrepair due to under-funding during your predecessor’s administration. Re-launching them from the ground up might not be a bad idea.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: *cough* Start a war!

POTUS: Wait, who said that?


POTUS: You!!! God damn it, Dick, how did you even get in here again? We’ve changed the security protocols four times now, and you still keep getting back in here somehow!

UNITENTIFIED MALE: You’ll never get rid of me, you pacifist faggots! The Arabs will eat you alive!

POTUS: Agent Reynolds, Agent Breckman, would you please escort Mr. Cheney out of the building?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You haven’t heard the last of me, fools! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

POTUS: So anyway, where were we? Mr. Emanuel?

RE: Massive tax increases. Those have been proven to stimulate job growth, right?

LHS: Seconded. Massive tax increases on small business owners.


POTUS: That does it. Go to your corner, Joe.


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