Obama Figures Out That We’re Broke

Washington, DC – U.S. President Barack Obama recently discovered that America is in ungodly amounts of debt, and can’t possibly afford to fund his lefty pipe dreams.

“I honestly had no idea that China has our balls in a vise,” the Commander-in-Chief admitted.  “But [White House Chief of Staff] Rahm [Emanuel] urged me to look over the books, and Holy Shit, we’re pretty fucked.”

While accepting responsibility for the budget snafu, Obama implied that the First Lady was partly to blame.  “My wife and I have always considered our marriage an equal partnership,” he explained.  “Michelle handles the bills and balances the checkbook; I spout inspiring platitudes in a mellifluous baritone; and Lupe and Inez keep the house clean and raise Malia and the other kid.”

The president later said, wistfully, “I had a lot of big plans for that money I thought we had,” presumably alluding to comprehensive healthcare reform.  “In retrospect, it might be a good thing that I’ve been too incompetent to translate an overwhelming electoral mandate and a bicameral legislative majority into any kind of meaningful accomplishments.”

“And on the plus side,” he noted, “this will probably make it way easier to puss out on that war I used to say was so crucial. You know, Afghani-Whatever-the-Fuck.”


3 thoughts on “Obama Figures Out That We’re Broke

  1. Why can’t we just do what we always do and borrow money from the federal reserve with interest, and make up for the interest by borrowing more from them at interest? It seems like that always worked for us in the past.

    1. I am in full agreement with you. It’s time to get over these bullshit hangups about burdening future generations. Past generations fucked us over, so why stop now? It’s like freshman hazing.

  2. This explains why Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize, and you are still blogging. I kid, I kid. I’m just a little bitter because I had to look up the word “mellifluous”, but other than that, this may be the best blog ever written. You deserve a Pulitzer, sir!

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