Washington, DC – U.S. President Barack Obama recently discovered that America is in ungodly amounts of debt, and can’t possibly afford to fund his lefty pipe dreams.
“I honestly had no idea that China has our balls in a vise,” the Commander-in-Chief admitted. “But [White House Chief of Staff] Rahm [Emanuel] urged me to look over the books, and Holy Shit, we’re pretty fucked.”
While accepting responsibility for the budget snafu, Obama implied that the First Lady was partly to blame. “My wife and I have always considered our marriage an equal partnership,” he explained. “Michelle handles the bills and balances the checkbook; I spout inspiring platitudes in a mellifluous baritone; and Lupe and Inez keep the house clean and raise Malia and the other kid.”
The president later said, wistfully, “I had a lot of big plans for that money I thought we had,” presumably alluding to comprehensive healthcare reform. “In retrospect, it might be a good thing that I’ve been too incompetent to translate an overwhelming electoral mandate and a bicameral legislative majority into any kind of meaningful accomplishments.”
“And on the plus side,” he noted, “this will probably make it way easier to puss out on that war I used to say was so crucial. You know, Afghani-Whatever-the-Fuck.”