Glenn Beck Cries

New York, NY – Scrupulously nonpartisan Fox News personality Glenn Beck burst into tears on camera Tuesday, because of the “godless socialistic path [Beck] fear[s] this great nation is headed down.” 

Beck, whose core audience strongly opposes gay marriage and pants-wearing women, briefly abandoned his trademark brand of virile, take-no-prisoners masculinity to blubber like a 4-year-old bitch with a skinned knee.

“I just don’t know what’s going to happen,” he sobbed, seemingly oblivious to the snot streams hanging off his face. “I just love this country so much.”

Other situations in which Beck is known to weep openly include weddings, funerals, butt surgery, baptisms, parking tickets, passage of tax increases, paper cuts, Al Franken’s swearing-in as a Senator, toe-stubbing, screenings of Steel Magnolias, and whenever an immigrant gets a scholarship.

And sometimes, “just to have a good cry.”

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