Tehran, Iran – After the overwhelmingly negative response to his address to the U.N. General Assembly on Thursday, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has fired his longtime translator, Gary Busey.
“I think we had some crossed wires there, guys,” Ahmadinejad said through his new translator, a college student who passed the recently-mandated drug test. “I was just trying to express hope for a new era of peace and brotherhood between Muslims and Jews, and I assumed that that’s what my translator told you. If my English was better, I’d have realized that all that shit he was actually saying was fucking crazy.”
According to Ahmadinejad, Busey completely ad-libbed whole chunks of the lengthy speech, including the extended “drinking the blood of the wolverine” metaphor, and the whole bizarre tirade about how Martian zoning ordinances affect the chakras of the unborn.
“I definitely never said anything about owls knowing the secrets of your soul, because they’re the most ancient creatures in the universe,” Ahmadinejad said. “I love Gary, but I’m actually pretty sure now that he doesn’t speak Farsi at all. And not really English either, it seems like.”
Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi, on the other hand, had an impeccable translator. He’s just a fuck-brained lunatic.