Op-Ed: Startling Isn’t Scaring

Editorial by Jeff Dagwood
Jeff Dagwood, Sandwich Artist
Jeff Dagwood, Sandwich Artist

First of all, dick-ass: you didn’t scare me; you startled me. There’s a difference. Secondly: that wasn’t amusing in the least; it was just obnoxious and kind of sad. Thirdly: you’re a faggot.

The Oxford English Dictionary defines “scare” as “cause great fear or nervousness in; frighten.” The OED defines “startle,” on the other hand, as “cause to feel sudden shock or alarm.” Clearly, you jumping out from around the corner and causing me to spill my beer on myself more closely fits the latter definition.

Why are you still laughing, anyway? It wasn’t that fucking funny, dude. What are you, fucking four?

Even if we accept your non-traditional definition of “scare,” you certainly didn’t “scare the shit” out of me. I assure you that at no point in the evening did fecal matter ever involuntarily escape my sphincter, least of all when you pulled your childish “prank.”

Obviously, you think you’re much cooler than you actually are.

So just take that shit off youtube, huh? Or at least change the title to something other than “SPILLY GUY SHRIEKS LIKE A WOMAN.”


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