Washington, DC – Putting an end to years of tawdry speculation and innuendo from his political opponents, President Barack Obama finally produced his original Hawaiian birth certificate, proving once and for all his status as a natural-born U.S. citizen. According to a White House spokesman, the errant document had been “in his other pants.”
Independent experts who have examined the document thus far have vouched for its authenticity, hinting that insinuations to the contrary were “really reaching,” “pretty douchey,” and “kinda racist.”
According to Obama, the pants in question were found in a seldom-used closet under some solar panels he had discarded because alternative energy sources don’t actually work. In addition to the birth certificate, the trouser pockets also contained a half pack of Kools and Joe Biden’s long-missing KISS Army badge.
Although most of Obama’s right-wing critics seemed willing to accept the veracity of the birth certificate, many expressed concern about its surprising revelation that he’s actually fucking Chinese.