Fuck G.I. Joe: MegaForce vs. Fantasy Mission Force

This summer will see the release of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, which tells the true story of America’s top-secret team of highly-trained, vaguely homoerotic merchandising opportunities.  But is G.I. Joe the most bad-ass fighting force in the world?  If you said yes, go kill yourself.

To determine the real most Fuck-Yo-Ass-Up-est crew up in this bitch, let’s do a point-by-point comparison of the titular squadrons from two of the Five Best Motion Pictures of All Time: MegaForce and Fantasy Mission Force.

Not pictured: soundtrack consisting entirely of balls-rocking synth riffs.

1) Team Leader

MegaForce: International ass-kicker/sex machine Ace Hunter, played with grim intensity by the mayor from Spin City.

Fantasy Mission Force: It’s not immediately apparent that anyone is in charge of the screenplay, much less the team.  But judging by the DVD box art, which consists of a big picture of Jackie Chan and the words “JACKIE CHAN’S Fantasy Mission Force STARRING JACKIE CHAN,” it’s Jackie Chan.

Who’s manlier?: Maybe you didn’t catch that name: Ace Motherfucking Hunter.  Any more dumb questions?

Edge: MegaForce


2) Mission

MegaForce: To rock pimp-ass dune buggies with crazy lasers and missiles on them, kick ass with said lasers and shit, and be generally rad as fuck, all 80’s-style.

Fantasy Mission Force: There are one or two brief references to the fact that they’re supposed to rescue some generals or something, but clearly, their primary objective is Wacky Shenanigans.

What’s more dangerous?: Shenanigans are fun while you’re in a drinking contest where you shoot a chick’s clothes off with six-guns after every beer.  But then you get chased by ghosts.  Actually, that’s still fun.  It’s when soldiers unexpectedly slaughter your whole team in a hail of gunfire that sucks (That all totally happens).

Edge: Fantasy Mission Force


3) How We First Learn They’re Badass

MegaForce: The snooty General who shows up expecting a fancy reception is horrified to find MegaForce to be rough-edged and informal.  And the attractive female Major who insists that she can hold her own with the team is treated with well-justified chauvinistic condescension.

Fantasy Mission Force: Before deciding that Fantasy Mission Force are the only motherfuckers hard enough to rock this forcefully fantastic mission, the Top Brass briefly consider sending (I shit you not) James Bond, Charlie Chan, Snake Plissken, and (still not shitting you) Rocky Balboa.  But compared to our protagonists, those guys are all fags!

Who’s badder?: Honestly, the Bond they wanted to send was Roger Moore.

Edge: MegaForce


4) Enemy

MegaForce: I think they’re fighting a commie terrorist fascist mercenary warlord or something.  Really, does it matter?

Fantasy Mission Force: The Japanese.  In the minds of the Hong Kong-based filmmakers, Japanese soldiers are so formidable that like six of them are able to effortlessly capture the top generals of Britain, America, France, and Africa (yes, Africa’s a country now.  And its top general is a Chinese guy with chocolate pudding on his face).
And oh yeah, the main Jap has a fucking Hitler moustache.

Who’s more evil?: Dude, Hitler moustache.  I mean, come on.

Edge: Fantasy Mission Force


5) Action-Packed Climax

MegaForce: Ace tells the main bad guy, “The good guys always win – even in the 80’s!” before escaping on a flying motorcycle.

Fantasy Mission Force: Jackie Chan gets his ass kicked by the main bad guy, then dives out the window and just blows up the whole goddamn building.

Is anything awesomer than a flying motorcycle?: The answer is No.

Edge: MegaForce


WINNER

Both teams make G.I. Joe look like a bunch of little pussy girls.  But the Most Badass Team in the Universe, by a score of 3 to 2, is MegaForce.

Fun Fact: MegaForce was filmed in “NitroVision.”  I didn’t make that up.

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10 thoughts on “Fuck G.I. Joe: MegaForce vs. Fantasy Mission Force

  1. Kickin’ it Old Skool stylee bitches!

    Viriato proved your point that G.I. Joe and it’s fans are a bunch of little pussy girls. But I believe MegaForce had the edge at #2 (Mission).

    Fantasy Mission Force, overall, leaves me wondering if the cast aren’t all suffering from malaise, mental retardation, and Barnum and Bailey Circus clown attire…or all of the above.

  2. savior

    I have a comic book that has an ad in the cack asking you to join the Mega Force fan club. I always wondered what the fuck it was. Now I still don’t know! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

  3. don dokken

    This was all very very good stuff.
    Can you do Salo (120 Days of Sodom) vs. Cannibal Holocaust sometime?
    This is a debate that needs to be settled and you may be the only man qualified to do it.
    For the love of God throw Xanadu in the mix if you must.

    Good work!

    1. In a voice like Otto from the Simpsons:
      Hey everybody, it’s Don fuckin’ Dokken, man!
      Holy shit dude…”I’m Alone Again without you…I’m Alone Again without you.” That song still rawks dude! **pretends to riff on air guitar – followed by a whammy bar dive – pulls shirt off in a Rip’n’Spin maneuver – and then rubs hairy nipples while flashing the devil’s horns hand gesture**

      Hey dude man, if we’re gonna go with an ultra campy movie like Xanadu, we’re gonna have to have something in the same league to put Xanadu up against..like a ‘Name the campiest Movies of the ’80s that Make Your Eyes Bleed and Your Balls Explode’ kind of showdown.

      So would it be Xanadu VS:
      Flash Gordon? The Dark Crystal? Buckaroo Banzai? Heavy Metal? Labyrinth? Little Shop of Horrors? Return To Oz? Highlander? Repo Man? Big Weiner Gaggers #30? I wonder what it will be…I wonder…wonder. DUDE.

        1. I disagree. It’s “Absolute Beginners” or nothing. The music, the movement, the romance, the passion . . . all explodes on the BIG SCREEN. Of course, “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang” beats them all hands down.

  4. The obvious choice, for me at least, would be Mel Gibson in the epic “Max Max: Beyond Thunderdome”. Sadly, Gibson is a Jew hating paedophile and as such, he’s more of a villain than a hero. Therefore, I choose Paul Hogan for his outstanding contribution to manliness in, “Flipper”. Mind you, there are parts in Flipper where I honestly thought that Hogan was going to take Elijah Wood and rape him in his hobbit hole.

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