This summer will see the release of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, which tells the true story of America’s top-secret team of highly-trained, vaguely homoerotic merchandising opportunities. But is G.I. Joe the most bad-ass fighting force in the world? If you said yes, go kill yourself.
To determine the real most Fuck-Yo-Ass-Up-est crew up in this bitch, let’s do a point-by-point comparison of the titular squadrons from two of the Five Best Motion Pictures of All Time: MegaForce and Fantasy Mission Force.
1) Team Leader
MegaForce: International ass-kicker/sex machine Ace Hunter, played with grim intensity by the mayor from Spin City.
Fantasy Mission Force: It’s not immediately apparent that anyone is in charge of the screenplay, much less the team. But judging by the DVD box art, which consists of a big picture of Jackie Chan and the words “JACKIE CHAN’S Fantasy Mission Force STARRING JACKIE CHAN,” it’s Jackie Chan.
Who’s manlier?: Maybe you didn’t catch that name: Ace Motherfucking Hunter. Any more dumb questions?
MegaForce: To rock pimp-ass dune buggies with crazy lasers and missiles on them, kick ass with said lasers and shit, and be generally rad as fuck, all 80’s-style.
Fantasy Mission Force: There are one or two brief references to the fact that they’re supposed to rescue some generals or something, but clearly, their primary objective is Wacky Shenanigans.
What’s more dangerous?: Shenanigans are fun while you’re in a drinking contest where you shoot a chick’s clothes off with six-guns after every beer. But then you get chased by ghosts. Actually, that’s still fun. It’s when soldiers unexpectedly slaughter your whole team in a hail of gunfire that sucks (That all totally happens).
Edge: Fantasy Mission Force
3) How We First Learn They’re Badass
MegaForce: The snooty General who shows up expecting a fancy reception is horrified to find MegaForce to be rough-edged and informal. And the attractive female Major who insists that she can hold her own with the team is treated with well-justified chauvinistic condescension.
Fantasy Mission Force: Before deciding that Fantasy Mission Force are the only motherfuckers hard enough to rock this forcefully fantastic mission, the Top Brass briefly consider sending (I shit you not) James Bond, Kojak, Snake Plissken, and (still not shitting you) Rocky Balboa. But compared to our protagonists, those guys are all fags!
Who’s badder?: Honestly, the Bond they wanted to send was Roger Moore.
MegaForce: I think they’re fighting a commie terrorist fascist mercenary warlord or something. Really, does it matter?
Fantasy Mission Force: The Japanese. In the minds of the Hong Kong-based filmmakers, Japanese soldiers are so formidable that like six of them are able to effortlessly capture the top generals of Britain, America, France, and Africa (yes, Africa’s a country now. And its top general is a Chinese guy with chocolate pudding on his face).
And oh yeah, the main Jap has a fucking Hitler moustache.
Who’s more evil?: Dude, Hitler moustache. I mean, come on.
Edge: Fantasy Mission Force
5) Action-Packed Climax
MegaForce: Ace tells the main bad guy, “The good guys always win – even in the 80’s!” before escaping on a flying motorcycle.
Fantasy Mission Force: Jackie Chan gets his ass kicked by the main bad guy, then dives out the window and just blows up the whole goddamn building.
Is anything awesomer than a flying motorcycle?: The answer is No.
Both teams make G.I. Joe look like a bunch of little pussy girls. But the Most Badass Team in the Universe, by a score of 3 to 2, is MegaForce.