December 14, 1968
Satan fornicates with a jackal.
September 14, 1969
Tyler Perry born in Louisiana.
February 25, 2005
Tyler Perry releases his debut film, Diary of a Mad Black Woman, to unexpected box-office success.
February 24, 2006
Tyler Perry’s film adaptation of his play Madea’s Family Reunion opens as the #1 movie in America.
June 6, 2007
Tyler Perry’s House of Payne debuts on TBS, shattering cable sitcom ratings records. Tyler Perry signs an unprecedented 100-episode deal with the network.
May 8, 2009
Tyler Perry appears in the J.J. Abrams Star Trek movie, presuming to tell James Tiberius Motherfucking Kirk what’s what.
December 16, 2010
Tyler Perry becomes self-aware.
April 17, 2011
Tyler Perry attacks the G-20 summit in Brussels with his nightmarish ten-story Mecha-Madea, demolishing the entire nation of Belgium and killing the heads of state of most of the world’s major powers.
April 23, 2011
The United States, Russia, England, France, India, Pakistan, North Korea, Israel, and Iran simultaneously attack Tyler Perry with their combined nuclear arsenals, to no visible effect. Having blown their collective load, the world’s governments have no choice but to surrender.
April 24, 2011
The United Nations issues a unanimous resolution condemning Israel for its use of nuclear weapons.
April 25, 2011
Tyler Perry assumes total control of World Government, declaring it “Very Funny.”
December 20, 2012
Tyler Perry releases Madea Eats a Turkey Sandwich in the Bathtub. It garners an abysmal 4 percent approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes, angering Perry.
December 21, 2012
We all fucking die, just like the Mayans said.