Washington, D.C. – Homeland Security’s threat advisory level was raised to Severe for nearly two hours on Saturday when the “Nuclear Football,” the satchel containing the launch codes for America’s nuclear arsenal, was temporarily misplaced by Vice President Joe Biden.
Fortunately, the Football was promptly returned by alert citizen David Sanchez, who discovered it in the back seat of a D.C. taxicab under a newspaper opened to a half-finished Junior Jumble. Sanchez immediately recognized the nondescript briefcase as the “Missing Nuke Dealy” from the hastily-xeroxed flyers Biden had blanketed area telephone poles with.
“Yeah, I should have kept better track of it,” Biden admitted, “but I was in a real rush. You know, when that clock hits eleven, the croissan’wiches are done, period. They don’t make exceptions, even for Vice Presidents. Believe me.”
According to sources, Sanchez had to tactfully remind the Vice President at least two times about the advertised $25 reward before receiving it.