Five Reasons Dinosaurs are Assholes

We don’t know for sure what killed off the dinosaurs.  We can never really know how they behaved, what they sounded like, or what color they were.  We do know one thing for sure, though: they’re a bunch of fucking dicks.  Here’s five reasons why:

5. They get children excited about learning.
I still recall vividly the wide-eyed wonder I experienced as a youngster, when I first discovered the fascinating world of gigantic prehistoric monsters that could eat your fucking house.  It made me hungry for knowledge.  Acquiring information was a joy.  Unfortunately, I was shortly thereafter shipped off to school, where my intellectual curiosity was thrown in a burlap sack and beaten into a coma with cricket bats.  To this day, I have never in my adult life had to know how many plates a stegosaurus has on its back, or who invented the fucking cotton gin.  The difference is, I at least knew at the time that the inspiring story of Eli Whitney was a wank.

4. When they evolved into birds, they lost what I can only assume was the tastiest meat.
I doubt I’m the only one who thinks Cajun-fried dinosaur tail would be delicious.  But we’ll never know, because their admittedly finger-lickin’ good descendants don’t have edible tails at all.  How bogus is that?

They don't make 'em like they used to.

3. Their very existence disproves Creationism.
That’s just being rude to Jesus.  And He’s been nothing but nice to you.

2. They didn’t kill Goldblum.
In Jurassic Park, the dinosaurs om-nom-nom-ed the shit out of Newman and Samuel Motherfucking L. Jackson, yet inexplicably let Jeff Goldblum live.  This, despite the fact that his character died in the book!  I never saw the sequels, but according to my 30-second perusal of Wikipedia, they totally dropped the ball on killing his stupid ass in those, too.  WTF, dinosaurs?  Does smarminess leave a bad aftertaste or something?

1. They turned into fossil fuels.
Talk about revenge being a dish best served cold.  Dinosaurs ruled the Earth for 185 million years.  Eventually they died off, and mammals usurped their position of dominance.  But not before the dinosaurs put into motion a fiendish retaliatory contingency plan that makes Lex Luthor look like he’s winging it.

During the millions of years while mammals were evolving into iPhone-using latte-drinkers, the dinosaurs’ earthly remains were busy metamorphosing into petroleum (you know, the shit we fight all kinds of wars over).  It’s entirely possible that eventually we’ll all be exterminated in a goddamn nuclear holocaust fighting over what used to be big lizard corpses.

It’s one thing to be at the top of the food chain when you’re the biggest animal around.  But causing a way more advanced species to destroy itself, millions and millions of years after you’ve gone extinct?  That’s the most sinister, diabolical shit in the history of evil schemes.  Fuck you, dinosaurs.

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23 thoughts on “Five Reasons Dinosaurs are Assholes

  1. Cheryl is a Buffarilla

    And to think..they died and we lived! like is that some weird shit or what..lol.maybe we just ate too much tail.

  2. Redactional Mendicant

    At least I know how to make booze using only fruit, a ziploc bag and a 4 quart cookie jar. When humanity bombs each other into the ground for teh oil, we can still get drunk prison-style. That will probably be the only type of sex around for us, anyhow, eh, Doc?

  3. alicia

    5. You’re getting me excited about learning right now, and it scares me.

    4. Deep fry some buffalo and use your imagination.

    3. Every Mexican family has one.

    2. Hey you can’t blame them! He probably tastes like ass.

    1. And there’s nothing we can do about it unless they use dino dna and a fucking chicken to bring them back to life. Ha. Sweet revenge will never be ours.

  4. Nursey nurse Fiona

    Jeff would be stringy and all grissle. T-rex shoulda eaten that annoying little brother when he had the chance. Fucker.

  5. FOXY

    The whole fossil fuel thing makes way too much sense. It’s like the souls of dinosaurs have been angered and have cursed the world into oblivion. You know this, the Mayans knew this, ALIENS know this. Whoooaaa…wait a minute…..what IF Aliens are Dinosaurs???????

    Humans evolved from apes

    Aliens evolved from….(drumroll playa)…..Dinosaurs!!!!!

    P.S. why can’t ol Rupe and Tommy put a simple fucking box to check off ig you want to have follow-up comments sent to you? Fucking conspiracy!!

  6. Corp.Zombie

    some religious fanatics get sensitive about the issue of dinosaurs at it is the cause of much debate. While most scientists struggle to prove the existence of dinosaurs, I happen to know there is one good reason WHY the dinosaurs are not in the bible: THEY WERE TOO FUCKING BIG!

  7. Kristin Sargent

    my guess is that the scribes of the day were too damn afraid to mention the existence of ginormous bones from things they didn’t understand.

  8. Thanks dinosaurs! Assholes.

    I think there are a few dinosaurs that have survived all this time.

    1.) Larry King – have you seen this guy? He’s an emasculated T-Rex with his short tiny clawed arms and his banal rhetoric. I can’t wait to pump what’s left of this sack of prehistoric shit into my gas tank and burn it up doing donuts in my neighbors front yard.

    2.) Joan Rivers – this woman has been getting cosmetic surgery since Middle-to-Upper Paleolithic humanoids discovered basic cave painting techniques. Drown yourself in a storage tank full of biofuel now please, Joan.

    3.) Elizabeth Taylor – she’s definitely older than Cleopatra and partially fossilized. She needs to embrace her petrification or have a personal assistant push her wheelchair towards a tar pit already.

    Yes, I have issues.

  9. Cajun-fried dinosaur tail would be delicious. If you wrapped that shit in bacon, topped it with cheddar & roasted it on a spit over Goldblum’s burning body.

    1. Actually, Goldblum would be tasty and much easier to swallow if he were Cajun-fried, wrapped in bacon, topped with cheddar, and roasted over an aged dinosaur tail.

  10. The Dinosaurs lived all over the Holy Land. They were just agile enough to duck back under the sand whenever a reporter from the temple was looking. The only observer astute enough to figure this out was Isaiah:

    “In that day, Yahweh with his hard and great and strong sword will punish leviathan, the fleeing serpent, and leviathan the twisted serpent; and he will kill the dragon that is in the sea.” – Isaiah 27:1

    Alas, like B.C. and the clams with legs, no one believed Isaiah, either.

    Creationists have tried to feed us the line that the Leviathan is a whale. Even Darwin knew that a whale is a mammal and not a reptile.

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