We don’t know for sure what killed off the dinosaurs. We can never really know how they behaved, what they sounded like, or what color they were. We do know one thing for sure, though: they’re a bunch of fucking dicks. Here’s five reasons why:
5. They get children excited about learning.
I still recall vividly the wide-eyed wonder I experienced as a youngster, when I first discovered the fascinating world of gigantic prehistoric monsters that could eat your fucking house. It made me hungry for knowledge. Acquiring information was a joy. Unfortunately, I was shortly thereafter shipped off to school, where my intellectual curiosity was thrown in a burlap sack and beaten into a coma with cricket bats. To this day, I have never in my adult life had to know how many plates a stegosaurus has on its back, or who invented the fucking cotton gin. The difference is, I at least knew at the time that the inspiring story of Eli Whitney was a wank.
4. When they evolved into birds, they lost what I can only assume was the tastiest meat.
I doubt I’m the only one who thinks Cajun-fried dinosaur tail would be delicious. But we’ll never know, because their admittedly finger-lickin’ good descendants don’t have edible tails at all. How bogus is that?
3. Their very existence disproves Creationism.
That’s just being rude to Jesus. And He’s been nothing but nice to you.
2. They didn’t kill Goldblum.
In Jurassic Park, the dinosaurs om-nom-nom-ed the shit out of Newman and Samuel Motherfucking L. Jackson, yet inexplicably let Jeff Goldblum live. This, despite the fact that his character died in the book! I never saw the sequels, but according to my 30-second perusal of Wikipedia, they totally dropped the ball on killing his stupid ass in those, too. WTF, dinosaurs? Does smarminess leave a bad aftertaste or something?
1. They turned into fossil fuels.
Talk about revenge being a dish best served cold. Dinosaurs ruled the Earth for 185 million years. Eventually they died off, and mammals usurped their position of dominance. But not before the dinosaurs put into motion a fiendish retaliatory contingency plan that makes Lex Luthor look like he’s winging it.
During the millions of years while mammals were evolving into iPhone-using latte-drinkers, the dinosaurs’ earthly remains were busy metamorphosing into petroleum (you know, the shit we fight all kinds of wars over). It’s entirely possible that eventually we’ll all be exterminated in a goddamn nuclear holocaust fighting over what used to be big lizard corpses.
It’s one thing to be at the top of the food chain when you’re the biggest animal around. But causing a way more advanced species to destroy itself, millions and millions of years after you’ve gone extinct? That’s the most sinister, diabolical shit in the history of evil schemes. Fuck you, dinosaurs.