Menstruating Asians: Doc, you’re the most preeminent satirist on our database of subscribers, besides Joaquin Phoenix. Where do you get your comedic ideas?
Doctor Handsome: Drugs.
MA: Could you elaborate?
DH: No, not really.
MA: So what comedians do you enjoy right now? Is there anyone who really makes you pee your pants?
DH: Well, There’s no one who makes me literally piss myself right now, but as far as involuntary bodily functions go, Dane Cook is the shit. He may be stiflingly unfunny, but I must confess to dribbling a bit of my manly essence into my shorts any time I see him. I’m not gay, but that dude’s a well-chiseled hunk of unwarranted enthusiasm wrapped in tasty man-meat.
Also, Jeff Dunham. He’s made me dry-heave on multiple occasions.
MA: It must be difficult to maintain your unique balance of laid-back cynicism and coke-fueled outrage during these troubled economic times. How do you pull it off?
DH: I do what now?
MA: You must not have heard me over the bong rip you were just doing. I said, how… Oh, you’re doing another one.
DH: (coughing) No, I’m listening, dude. Hey, ask me about the time I punched Vincent Gallo in that Applebee’s in Detroit. Three weeks later, he fucking stabbed me in a parking lot in Pewaukee, Wisconsin. Why would he even be there? It’s like he fuckin’ stalked me down. I needed three surgeries.
MA: OK, tell me about that.
DH: Well, that was pretty much the gist of the story.
MA: So what’s on the horizon for The Doc? Any new projects you’re working on right now?
DH: Well, I’m hard at work on the first draft of a screenplay, Doctor Handsome is: Sir Sexalot in the Realm of the Martian Nymphos, hopefully co-starring Evan Rachel Wood and fascist pundit Michelle Malkin. It’s just a spec script, but I’m pretty confident I’ll find backers. Lotsa nudity.
MA: Sounds excellent. Well, best of luck to you, and keep The Laffs coming. Thank you.
DH: Well, thanks back at ya, and please keep cranking out the graphic shots of those blood-spewing sideways vaginas. Peace.
I’ve always dreamed of being famous enough to do a Playboy Q&A, but so far that goal seems impossibly out of reach. So imagine my surprise and delight when a slightly less high-profile gentlemen’s magazine asked me for an exclusive interview! Naturally, I accepted.