Move over, Kabbalah! Get lost, Caring About the Environment! Go fuck yourself, Adopting Brown Kids! There’s a hot new trend the Hollywood elite are into: Recto-Phrenology!
From Ashton Kutcher and Matthew McConaughey to Paris Hilton and the Beckhams, everybody who’s anybody is going absolutely mental for this far-out fad!
Based on the long-discredited 19th-century pseudo-science of phrenology, recto-phrenology purports to reveal a person’s character traits (and possibly their future) by “reading” the bumps and fissures in their anus and rectum.
Recto-phrenology should not be confused with astrologer Jackie Stallone’s “rumpology,” in which readings are taken of the subject’s buttocks. According to musician and recto-phrenology enthusiast Pete Wentz, “To get an accurate sense of someone, you’ve really got to get all up inside them.”
To give our readers more insight into this fashionable practice, Rev. Joseph Qelqoth of Pwn Greenland and I decided to have readings done by Recto-Phrenologist to the Stars “Magic Julio” [no last name available] in his office/van outside Studio City.
“The balloon knot is your most important chakra,” Julio explained, “In many ways, the brown eye is the window to the soul.”
“Now Doctor Handsome, I can tell from the dimpling on the ‘Berkman’s Archipelago’ of your intestinal wall that you’re a free spirit, who doesn’t care what others think of him,” Julio told me. “That would also seem to be supported by the apparent infrequency of your bathing. And the telltale repulsive hairiness of your sphincter tells me you have Scottish ancestry.”
“Rev. Qelqoth’s stink portal was equally fascinating,” Julio reported. “A turbulent relationship with his father was indicated by the distinctive pattern of ridges on the left side of his colon, and the fact that he repeatedly called me ‘Daddy’ throughout the reading.”
All in all, it was an experience we won’t soon forget. So if you want to get in on this craze, make an appointment with your local recto-phrenologist today! Because pretty soon, Oprah’s bound to get a hold of it, and all the places are going to be booked solid for months in advance with disgusting fat housewives.