Study: Phil Collins Unable to Shove Grammy Up Own Ass

After decades of suggestions that musician Phil Collins “can stick it up his ass,” a study has been conducted to test that hypothesis.

In a series of self-financed experiments, Phil Collins has attempted to determine exactly what would or would not fit inside of his butthole. The former Genesis drummer insisted that this knowledge would somehow benefit future generations.

Although the “it” in the oft-repeated sentiment, “Phil Collins can stick it up his fucking ass,” most often refers to abstract concepts such as Collins’s pompous self-importance, or his shitty, ‘reason-the-80’s-were-gay-as-fuck’ music, Collins wisely confined his rectal research to testing easily measurable physical objects.

Soviet Disco has managed to obtain a copy of Collins’s findings. A brief summary follows.

Things that fit in Phil Collins’s butt (partial list):
-Billiard ball
-Bowling pin
-Absolut bottle
-An assortment of Fisher-Price “Little People”
-Academy Award statuette
-Eleven dicks
-6” Quiznos Turkey Bacon Guacamole Sub
-Phil Collins’s own head
-Rent money

Things that don’t fit in Phil Collins’s butt (without significant discomfort):
-Snow globe
-Mickey Rourke’s elbow
-Jack Daniels bottle (upside-down)
-Pineapple (either way)
-Grammy statuette
-Fourteen dicks
-Honda Civic
-Yo mama! (lulz)

The soft-rock icon noted that while a Nintendo Wii-mote fits quite comfortably in his bum, his “Rayman: Raving Rabbids” scores tend to dip slightly while it’s up there.

Collins has emphasized that his research was strictly for scientific purposes, and he has submitted the results of his study to various peer-reviewed medical journals. Although The Lancet and the New England Journal of Medicine have thus far declined to publish his report, various representatives of the drug-smuggling and fetish-porn industries have expressed keen interest.


3 thoughts on “Study: Phil Collins Unable to Shove Grammy Up Own Ass

  1. Pingback: Popular People » Blog Archive » Baby Matilda To Get Dad’s Golden Trophy if He Wins

  2. Igraine

    Don’t bother trying to diss me or put me down. oh yessssss your are the musician hating cult people with emence skills. oh u can use spell check. so what?? you fit in the catagory of being a racist, in your own way. I’m not. I don’t support it. Just like I don’t support cult groups, atheists, pedifiles, rapists, and or whatever you and your Big Cult followers do. I always wondered about cults. Why is it that some people follow others and can’t think or lead for themselves.

    Then again. I have to wonder about you Cult Leaders, I suppose you’re like Hitler WAS. Needy, probobly not breast fed by Mom, treated or abused by Dad or caretaker; Angry, mislead, sad, Very Lonely. Out of all of the cases that I’ve read about, no Cult has ever really successfully survived. Why not get away from the computer and start seeing the world.

    Learn about what a blade of grass is instead of a keyboard or imaginary computer game. Live, don’t trap yourself. If you actually live in the US then you should read up on more about the history and what it has to offer young minds. Go to the Grand Canyon, and see truth and Beauty. May God Bless you always. Bloody Eh

    1. youdontnocrap

      Phil Collins is a peeping tom. perverted dickhead who cannot keep a wife. Why don’t you just blow him and get it over with. That’s all most of them want from an unknown like you, a blow job. You should go backstage and find out. Are you drooling yet? Your unfounded and total devotion is what makes them assholes. They know they aren’t all that much, but people like you put them on pedestals and spit on real heroes like soldiers or cops or paramedics. Tell you what, idolater, next time you or your loved ones are dying, call a rock star, you brain dead groupie! Maybe you can get an autograph on the way to the morgue.

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