After decades of suggestions that musician Phil Collins “can stick it up his ass,” a study has been conducted to test that hypothesis.
In a series of self-financed experiments, Phil Collins has attempted to determine exactly what would or would not fit inside of his butthole. The former Genesis drummer insisted that this knowledge would somehow benefit future generations.
Although the “it” in the oft-repeated sentiment, “Phil Collins can stick it up his fucking ass,” most often refers to abstract concepts such as Collins’s pompous self-importance, or his shitty, ‘reason-the-80’s-were-gay-as-fuck’ music, Collins wisely confined his rectal research to testing easily measurable physical objects.
Soviet Disco has managed to obtain a copy of Collins’s findings. A brief summary follows.
Things that fit in Phil Collins’s butt (partial list):
-An assortment of Fisher-Price “Little People”
-Academy Award statuette
-6” Quiznos Turkey Bacon Guacamole Sub
-Phil Collins’s own head
Things that don’t fit in Phil Collins’s butt (without significant discomfort):
-Mickey Rourke’s elbow
-Jack Daniels bottle (upside-down)
-Pineapple (either way)
-Yo mama! (lulz)
The soft-rock icon noted that while a Nintendo Wii-mote fits quite comfortably in his bum, his “Rayman: Raving Rabbids” scores tend to dip slightly while it’s up there.
Collins has emphasized that his research was strictly for scientific purposes, and he has submitted the results of his study to various peer-reviewed medical journals. Although The Lancet and the New England Journal of Medicine have thus far declined to publish his report, various representatives of the drug-smuggling and fetish-porn industries have expressed keen interest.