NES Boxer Axes Cornerman

Brooklyn, NY – Little Mac, the Video Boxing Association ‘Major’, ‘Minor’ Title-holder, has fired his longtime trainer, Doc, citing Doc’s “absolute fucking worthlessness.”
Doc, best known for his uncanny resemblance to Reginald VelJohnson of Family Matters and Die Hard fame, had been Little Mac’s friend and mentor since Mac was a scrappy young hoodlum on the mean streets of Brooklyn. In recent months, however, Little Mac has expressed dissatisfaction with Doc’s tutelage.

 After defeating offensive Asian stereotype Piston Honda in June, Mac vented to reporters. “It’s bad enough that I’m fighting guys 40 times my size – how a scrawny 5’4” dude is in the same weight class as guy who weighs more than a school bus is beyond me – but I’m saddled with this useless pant-load of a cornerman!” he complained. “You want to know his idea of training? Making me jog around the Statue of Liberty in a hot-pink body condom while his fat ass rides a bike behind me!”

Tensions finally came to a head during Little Mac’s rematch against hulking Turkish pedophile Bald Bull. After being badly pummeled in the second round, Mac sought Doc’s counsel. According to ringside reporters, the conversation went as follows:

Mac: Help, Doc!

Doc: Hang in there, Mac!

Mac: I’m trying to. Any advice?

Doc: Dodge his punch, then counter-punch!

Mac: Brilliant strategy, Patton. Could you be more specific? Does he have any weaknesses I could exploit? Any patterns I could memorize?

Doc: Stick and move, Mac! Stick and move!

Mac: What the hell are you talking about? Stick what? And moving is kind of a given, don’t you think?

Doc: Dancin’ like a fly, bite like a mosquito!

Mac: What the fuck? Are you trying to say, “float like a butterfly, sting like a bee,” like Muhammad Ali? Because I don’t think that’s copyrighted. And either way, that’s just smack-talk. It’s not advice.

Doc: Join the Nintendo Fun Club today!

Mac: That does it. DIE, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!!!

At this point, Little Mac began throttling the life out of Doc, forcing referee Mario to intervene. Mario was initially unable to separate the men, until he ate an oak leaf. For some reason, the leaf caused Mario to grow a raccoon tail, which he then used as a weapon to subdue Little Mac.


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