Music Fan Gets Fucking Face Rocked Off

Buffalo, NY – When heavy metal aficionado Brett Delmar attended a performance by rock group Postmortem Priapism, he expected an entertaining show. What he didn’t plan on was losing his face.

The concert began with Postmortem Priapism frontman Wayne Cumbucket’s announcement, “We gonna rock you motherfuckers! We gonna rock your shit balls-hard!!!” The evening ended with Delmar stumbling into a nearby emergency room, clutching his mangled face in his quivering fists. Medical experts say that it had been “rocked right the fuck off.”

Attempts to reattach Delmar’s face with microsurgery were complicated by the extensive meltage that resulted from lead guitarist Johnny Hitler’s awesome, tit-nakeding riffs.

Postmortem Priapism is known for their blistering guitar solos, bowel-loosening bass lines, and blasphemous, corpse-fucking lyrics. While their music is often described as “death metal,” the group prefers to classify themselves as part of the “rapecore” subgenre.

Bassist Josh Bergstein stated that the band’s mission is to “kick your fucking ass, then fuck you in your ass, then use your ass for a fucking umbrella holder.”

Avid metalhead Delmar, now recovering, claims to not regret attending the concert, describing it as “unbe-fucking-lievable.” He added that Wayne Cumbucket is “a motherfuckin’ god,” and, “If I was a chick, I would totally have his abortions.”

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