Camp David, MD – According to our sources, a top-secret conference has determined once and for all the answer to mankind’s oldest question: “What is the Meaning of Life?” Preliminary reports indicate that the truth is anticlimactic and “a total wank.”
Sources say that the leading authorities in the fields of Science, Religion, and Philosophy gathered at Camp David to finally unravel the mysteries of the universe. Outgoing U.S. President George W. Bush apparently convened the conference in a last-ditch effort to salvage his administration’s historical legacy.
Unfortunately, the answer they came up with was so distressingly banal that a number of attendees seemed near-catatonic afterwards.
“Wow, that’s really weak,” said a seemingly shell-shocked Richard Dawkins. “It’s like a bogus crock-of-shit twist ending even M. Night Shyamalan would be ashamed of.” When asked what effect the revelation would have on his militant atheist worldview, Dawkins just stared off into space and mumbled, “man, you don’t even get it.”
Pope Benedict XVI and the Dalai Lama were seen exiting the conference together. When asked what they would do now, the pair exchanged apathetic shrugs, and the Lama offered, “I dunno. Blow some rails, I guess.” The Pope then nodded solemnly and added, “at the nudie bar.”
Rumor has it that the Meaning of Life was so disappointing that when it was revealed, quadriplegic physicist Stephen Hawking stood up out of his wheelchair and walked across the room so he could vomit in the trash can in disgust.
Amidst the conspicuous malaise, President Bush announced that the United States would finally convert to Metric, effective immediately. Officially, the Administration denies any connection, but an anonymous White House source confirms: “Yeah, it’s related. That’s seriously how lame and gay the Meaning of Life is: it involves the fucking metric system.”