In the past few months, I have become increasingly fascinated by outer space. Recently, I had the opportunity to interview American astronaut Cmdr. Frank Pedretti, who had just returned from a 6-month stint on the International Space Station.
Doctor Handsome: Thanks for coming, Commander Pedretti. WELCOME. WE COME IN PEACE. Hahaha.
Frank Pedretti: Haha. I come in peace as well.
DH: “Astronaut” is a pretty cool gig. People must always be asking you about your job. What’s the most frequent question you get?
FP: Honestly? The most-asked question is how we go to the bathroom [chuckles].
DH: Oh yeah, I know about that. You, like, piss and shit into tubes in the thing that are made to suck up all your whiz and feces. That’s old news. What I’ve always wanted to know is how you go Number Three?
FP: I’m sorry?
DH: You know, jerk off. When you pleasure yourself up there, where’s the jizz go?
FP: Oh. Uh… well, we don’t… there’s no, uh… masturbation on the space station.
DH: Fuck yeah, dude, sweet rhyme!!
[semi-awkward 5-second silence]
DH: Oh, sorry. I’m pretty baked right now. So wait, you’re saying you’re up there for months at a time with no way to get the poison out? Bullshit! You gotta be rockin’ a tug from time to time!
FP: No, it doesn’t happen. [abruptly] So what other questions do you have?
DH: Okay, changing subjects. There’s a bunch of lady astronauts now. Has anybody ever gotten down on the space station? Because Space Sex would pretty much be the shit.
FP: No, there’s no sex on the space station. We’re there to do an important job, in a delicate, dangerous environment.
DH: So are soldiers. And soldiers fuck, dude. Like astronauts don’t fuck. Come on, man.
FP: Is this what the whole interview is going to be like?
DH: No, I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve always dreamed of getting some stank on my hangdown in a zero-G environment. You’ve got to admit, that would be pretty awesome. But I’ll stop now.
So, what was your favorite subject in school?
FP: Well, I had a natural aptitude for math, but I vastly preferred…
DH: Dude, I just realized!! There’s cameras and monitoring equipment all over that thing! If anyone’s ever fucked on the space station, there’s gotta be Top-Secret Space Porn out there somewhere!! Holy shit!
FP: There’s no Space Porn.
DH: If there is, that’s a billion dollar movie, for the cum shot alone! In zero gravity?! Shit!!!
FP: I assure you there’s no Space Porn.
DH: No, I get it, no Space Porn. You’re probably right. If anyone had had sex in space, we’d have all heard about it. I mean, if I got it on in space, I’d tell EVERYONE. Wouldn’t you?
FP: No, sir, I would not. I…
DH: Aha. I get ya.
FP: No, I’m saying…
DH: Dude, I just thought of the raddest fucking prank in the universe! You’re alone in one chamber of the space station, and you rub one out by the doorway. Then while your goo is floating around there, you get on the intercom like, “Dude! Get in here! It’s an emergency and shit!” Then Dude comes through the door, and BAM! Floating facial.
FP: I think we’re done here.
DH: My buddy pulled a similar gag on his roommate, but it involved stretching Saran Wrap across the doorway and spunking on that. The zero gravity would make it a billion times cooler, though!
FP: You are a repugnant human being. There is not a single thing you’ve said since we met that didn’t appall me. And more disturbingly, you’re visibly aroused right now.
[Cmdr. Pedretti stands up to leave]
DH: Awwww, come on! You’re gonna bail on me over some harmless tumescence? We didn’t even get to the good questions!
FP: This interview is over. Good day.
DH: Why’d you guys fake the moon landing?!! WHAT ARE YOU HIDING?!!!
[Cmdr. Pedretti exits]
[Doctor Handsome jerks off on the microphone of Qelqoth’s tape recorder]