Ask Bobby Knight

Robert Montgomery Knight is the winningest Men’s Basketball coach in NCAA Division I history. “The General” has earned his reputation as a legendary motivator with his “Fuck tough love; what you faggots need is tough HATE” philosophy. If you have a question for the six-time Big Ten Coach of the Year, send it to “Ask Bobby Knight,” care of Soviet Disco.

Dear Coach Knight,
My mom just got engaged to this guy, “Rick.” Rick’s daughter, “Cassie,” is about my age, and very attractive. At our parents’ engagement party, Cassie came on to me. Should I pursue this, even though we may soon be step-siblings?
– Tempted but Wary

Dear Deviant,
Are you asking me if you should kiss your sister? Son, kissing your sister is like a tie. On my squad, we don’t play to goddamn tie, we goddamn play to goddamn win! You need an attitude adjustment in a big way, Jethro! Get your hillbilly, sister-kissing ass running laps, and don’t stop until you puke up your danglers! I mean NOW, you twisted incestuous shit!! Move, move, MOVE!!!
– Coach Knight

Dear Coach Knight,
My intramural soccer team is competing in the regional finals this week, but my friends don’t even plan to come support me. They say soccer isn’t even a real sport. How can I make them realize how much this means to me?
– Real Athlete

Dear Shitstain,
What the fuck kind of sissified fruit-loop question are you asking me?! I swear to God, son, if I knew what kitchen you were baking scones in right now, I’d come over there and sock you in the chest so hard your tampon would go shooting out across the linoleum!!
– Coach Knight

Dear Coach Knight,
The sentencing for my insider trading conviction is fast approaching, and it looks like I may be going away for a pretty long time. I really don’t think I’ll be able to make it in prison! What can I do?
– Fresh Meat

Dear Jew Accountant,
Within the first 90 seconds of entering your cellblock, you should make it crystal clear that not wheeling you in on a dolly like Hannibal Lecter was a tragic mistake. You don’t even have to go for a big guy! When you bite a man’s face off, nobody fucking says shit about your size advantage! After that, you’ll be fine. Just believe in yourself.
– Coach Knight

Dear Coach Knight,
My son’s 8th birthday is coming up. My husband and I don’t make a lot of money, but we work very hard to send him to a quality private school. Most of his classmates have elaborate birthday parties with catered entertainment, but we can’t afford anything like that. Any suggestions for a cost-efficient birthday party?
– Limited-budget Mom

Dear Coddler,
Children’s birthday parties are pantywaist bullshit! What the fuck are you celebrating, exactly? Surviving another year? That shouldn’t be a big deal unless the child has faced life-threatening situations. For example, when my boy Patrick turned 8, I gave him a buck knife, threw him into a fenced-off pen with his beloved childhood pet (a malamute/pit bull cross named Eisenhower), and told him in no uncertain terms that only one of them would come out of that pen alive. It was good for him! Try doing something like that.
– Coach Knight

Dear Coach Knight,
What would you do if you had a time machine?
– Just Curious

Dear Nerd,
I’d stab your fucking mother in the ovaries with a screwdriver at the exact moment of your conception, you worthless shit.
– Coach Knight

Bob Knight’s commentary and analysis can be seen nightly on ESPN’s SportsCenter.

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