Why Your Religion is Dumb

Since time immemorial, mankind has been divided by religious disputes. To this day, these disputes remain the source of innumerable wars and atrocities. As an authority on pretty much everything, I am often asked, “Doc, which religion is the right one? And why are all the other ones wicked and false?”  So as a public service, I will finally settle these questions once and for all, by listing all the religions I can think of off the top of my head (in no particular order), along with reasons why they’re stupid and wrong.  

Catholicism
I was raised Catholic, attended Catholic school, and was an altar boy for several years, so I feel that I’m qualified to point out the flaws in this mumbo-jumbo. First of all, Catholic school girls: not as hot as advertised. The uniform is sexy when it’s worn by hot strippers, but the fat girl next to me in Social Studies couldn’t pull it off quite as well. Secondly, despite all the media hype, I was never once molested or even propositioned by a priest. For an insecure young altar boy with body issues, this was a serious blow to my self-esteem. Today, thanks to my Catholic upbringing, I’m (like all Catholics) a violent, bigoted, foul-mouthed, promiscuous alcoholic. But at least I feel really bad about myself.
 
Protestantism
The Protestant denominations split off from the Holy Roman Church because they’re such independent thinkers. While Catholics are content to blindly follow the ridiculous fear-based fairy-tale belief system that was fed to them as children, Protestants choose to follow that ridiculous fear-based fairy-tale belief system in their own independent way. A major disadvantage of Protestantism is that unlike Catholics, Protestants actually follow the teachings of the Bible. Have you seen some of the crazy shit in there? Protestants seek to emulate Christ, and often ask, “What Would Jesus Do?” Spoiler Alert: He died horribly. 

Judaism
The actual tenets of the Hebrew faith are fairly unobjectionable. They believe that they are the Chosen People, so God likes them best and wins wars for them. That’s a pretty sweet deal. Judaism runs into problems, however, by also being a race. If they weren’t Jews, they’d just be White people, which I can assure you is a much sweeter deal.
 
Islam
Islam started out with some pretty good ideas (subjugation of women; listening to Public Enemy), but then fucked it up royally with some insanely moronic ideas (no liquor; pissing off America). Today, the main function of Islam seems to be making sure that people are dirt-poor even if they have a lot of oil. If Jed Clampett had been Muslim, he would have been evicted from his shotgun shack. Also, I don’t know if anyone ever told the Muslims this, but their Holy Prophet was a lying pederast (Seal Be Upon Him).

Buddhism
Buddhism is one of those half-assed, made-up, college-kid religions where they don’t even believe in God, yet insist on pretending it’s a real religion. Buddhists advocate the “middle way” of avoiding extremes, which means that they’re not allowed to drink Mountain Dew. The ultimate goal of Buddhism is achieving freedom from desire, by not desiring anything. You know how I achieve freedom from desire? By getting what I want. If any Buddhists are reading this, please give me all your money. That way, we can both be happy. You pussy.

Shinto
History has shown us the biggest drawback of the Shinto faith: it totally fails to protect you from A-bombs.

Hinduism
The Canada of world religions, Hinduism is the world’s third largest faith, but about the ninth or tenth most important. Its most significant impact on global society to date has been the Beatles’ misinterpretation of Hinduism’s loony beliefs (reincarnation; a shitload of crazy gods with too many arms and weird animal heads) as an endorsement of LSD, which led directly to Sgt. Pepper’s. Hindus famously venerate cows, animals so noble and majestic that drunken hillbillies tip them over for giggles. I would write more about this religion, but my dog’s steak is getting overdone.

Unitarianism
Dude, are you kidding me? Get the fuck out of my face with this shit.

Christian Science
In case the oxymoronic name wasn’t enough of a tip-off, Christian Scientists are batshit insane. If their indefensible refusal to avail themselves of modern medicine didn’t endanger their innocent children, it would be hilarious in its inadvertent testament to Darwinism. Fuck, it’s still pretty funny.

Atheism
Atheism used to be synonymous with nihilistic self-interest. Thank God (just a figure of speech!) those days are over. Nowadays, Atheists have realized that not believing in anything greater than yourself means being a self-righteous, moralizing prick. Preachy Atheists pride themselves on being backed up by logic, although they apparently skipped Logic class on the day when “whether or not you can prove a negative” was covered (which is understandable; the first day is usually a wank). If you ever get into a debate with an Atheist, ask them why bad things happen to good people. When they say it’s because the universe is random and directionless, stab them. You’ll be surprised at how surprised they are.

Agnosticism
“Agnostic” is a code word for “pretentious coward.” Being an undecided voter is pretty dumb, but being undecided about the fate of your eternal soul is just ridiculous.

Satanism
I’m just speaking from personal preference here, but any belief system rooted in having been beaten up in high school is not for me. Few things are more retarded than going to the trouble of practicing a religion just to prove that you’re anti-religion. Also, if you’re going to worship a fictional monster you don’t believe in just because he’s cool and bad-ass, Cthulhu kicks the fuck out of Lucifer any day of the week. As does that dude from the Iron Maiden album covers.

Jehovah’s Witnesses
See: Unitarianism.

Paganism
Paganism has taken many forms throughout history. In Old Testament times, paganism was the exaggeratedly clumsy, “there’s got to be a better way!” old-model product demonstrated at the beginning of an infomercial, before the revolutionary new product (Monotheism) is introduced. Greek paganism was the origin of socially acceptable homoeroticism, and the modern soap opera (but I repeat myself). Roman paganism was the origin of the modern soap opera that rips off an already-successful soap opera. Norse paganism was the origin of Marvel Comics. Native American paganism was an outmoded paradigm that was modernized via smallpox (see: Catholicism). And paganism’s modern-day incarnation, Wicca, seems to be the religion of choice for girls that I bone when I’m drunk, then later turn out to be psycho.

Rastafarianism
Rastas believe that former Ethiopian emperor Haile Selassie I was the Second Coming of Jesus Christ. WTF?  Those guys must be on dope!

Scientology
The church of Scientology was founded by a pervy old science-fiction writer, which is apparently not a red flag to its adherents. Scientology is notable for advising those with post-partum depression or brain-chemical imbalances to “walk it off.” It takes years of dedicated study – and donations totaling hundreds of thousands of dollars – to advance far enough in the church to learn the ultimate truth of how humanity came to Earth, and what the source of all human misery is. Unless you have access to Google, in which case it takes about 45 seconds and is free. Spoiler alert: It’s trouser-crappingly crazy. 

The Church of the SubGenius
This is the One True Faith. Give me Slack or KILL ME!
 
Juggaloism
This is a pseudo-religion based on the shitty music of the mongoloid rap group Insane Clown Posse. It involves “The Dark Carnival,“ “Shangri-la,” “The Great Milenko,” and other highly gay concepts that Juggalos will defend to the death as Not Gay, usually in vulgar, monosyllabic language. If you ever encounter these people, call them gay.

Mormonism
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was founded by Joseph Smith after the angel Moroni revealed the Book of Mormon to him. The book is Another Testament of Jesus Christ, because apparently the first one didn’t contain enough provable falsehoods. I’m not going to make fun of Mormons for their teatotaling squareness, their history of bizarre racism, the fact that their angel’s name has “moron” in it, their magic underwear, or Mitt Romney. My chief criticism of the LDS Church is that it renounced polygamy, which was really its only “hook” to begin with. This reversal was a marketing boner on a par with New Coke.

 Not Religious, but Spiritual
Just nod your head and pretend like that’s deep. I bet you can totally bang this chick.

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