The Protestant denominations split off from the Holy Roman Church because they’re such independent thinkers. While Catholics are content to blindly follow the ridiculous fear-based fairy-tale belief system that was fed to them as children, Protestants choose to follow that ridiculous fear-based fairy-tale belief system in their own independent way. A major disadvantage of Protestantism is that unlike Catholics, Protestants actually follow the teachings of the Bible. Have you seen some of the crazy shit in there? Protestants seek to emulate Christ, and often ask, “What Would Jesus Do?” Spoiler Alert: He died horribly.
Buddhism is one of those half-assed, made-up, college-kid religions where they don’t even believe in God, yet insist on pretending it’s a real religion. Buddhists advocate the “middle way” of avoiding extremes, which means that they’re not allowed to drink Mountain Dew. The ultimate goal of Buddhism is achieving freedom from desire, by not desiring anything. You know how I achieve freedom from desire? By getting what I want. If any Buddhists are reading this, please give me all your money. That way, we can both be happy. You pussy.
History has shown us the biggest drawback of the Shinto faith: it totally fails to protect you from A-bombs.
The Canada of world religions, Hinduism is the world’s third largest faith, but about the ninth or tenth most important. Its most significant impact on global society to date has been the Beatles’ misinterpretation of Hinduism’s loony beliefs (reincarnation; a shitload of crazy gods with too many arms and weird animal heads) as an endorsement of LSD, which led directly to Sgt. Pepper’s. Hindus famously venerate cows, animals so noble and majestic that drunken hillbillies tip them over for giggles. I would write more about this religion, but my dog’s steak is getting overdone.
Dude, are you kidding me? Get the fuck out of my face with this shit.
In case the oxymoronic name wasn’t enough of a tip-off, Christian Scientists are batshit insane. If their indefensible refusal to avail themselves of modern medicine didn’t endanger their innocent children, it would be hilarious in its inadvertent testament to Darwinism. Fuck, it’s still pretty funny.
Atheism used to be synonymous with nihilistic self-interest. Thank God (just a figure of speech!) those days are over. Nowadays, Atheists have realized that not believing in anything greater than yourself means being a self-righteous, moralizing prick. Preachy Atheists pride themselves on being backed up by logic, although they apparently skipped Logic class on the day when “whether or not you can prove a negative” was covered (which is understandable; the first day is usually a wank). If you ever get into a debate with an Atheist, ask them why bad things happen to good people. When they say it’s because the universe is random and directionless, stab them. You’ll be surprised at how surprised they are.
“Agnostic” is a code word for “pretentious coward.” Being an undecided voter is pretty dumb, but being undecided about the fate of your eternal soul is just ridiculous.
I’m just speaking from personal preference here, but any belief system rooted in having been beaten up in high school is not for me. Few things are more retarded than going to the trouble of practicing a religion just to prove that you’re anti-religion. Also, if you’re going to worship a fictional monster you don’t believe in just because he’s cool and bad-ass, Cthulhu kicks the fuck out of Lucifer any day of the week. As does that dude from the Iron Maiden album covers.
Paganism has taken many forms throughout history. In Old Testament times, paganism was the exaggeratedly clumsy, “there’s got to be a better way!” old-model product demonstrated at the beginning of an infomercial, before the revolutionary new product (Monotheism) is introduced. Greek paganism was the origin of socially acceptable homoeroticism, and the modern soap opera (but I repeat myself). Roman paganism was the origin of the modern soap opera that rips off an already-successful soap opera. Norse paganism was the origin of Marvel Comics. Native American paganism was an outmoded paradigm that was modernized via smallpox (see: Catholicism). And paganism’s modern-day incarnation, Wicca, seems to be the religion of choice for girls that I bone when I’m drunk, then later turn out to be psycho.
Rastas believe that former Ethiopian emperor Haile Selassie I was the Second Coming of Jesus Christ. WTF? Those guys must be on dope!
The church of Scientology was founded by a pervy old science-fiction writer, which is apparently not a red flag to its adherents. Scientology is notable for advising those with post-partum depression or brain-chemical imbalances to “walk it off.” It takes years of dedicated study – and donations totaling hundreds of thousands of dollars – to advance far enough in the church to learn the ultimate truth of how humanity came to Earth, and what the source of all human misery is. Unless you have access to Google, in which case it takes about 45 seconds and is free. Spoiler alert: It’s trouser-crappingly crazy.
This is a pseudo-religion based on the shitty music of the mongoloid rap group Insane Clown Posse. It involves “The Dark Carnival,“ “Shangri-la,” “The Great Milenko,” and other highly gay concepts that Juggalos will defend to the death as Not Gay, usually in vulgar, monosyllabic language. If you ever encounter these people, call them gay.
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was founded by Joseph Smith after the angel Moroni revealed the Book of Mormon to him. The book is Another Testament of Jesus Christ, because apparently the first one didn’t contain enough provable falsehoods. I’m not going to make fun of Mormons for their teatotaling squareness, their history of bizarre racism, the fact that their angel’s name has “moron” in it, their magic underwear, or Mitt Romney. My chief criticism of the LDS Church is that it renounced polygamy, which was really its only “hook” to begin with. This reversal was a marketing boner on a par with New Coke.
Not Religious, but Spiritual
Just nod your head and pretend like that’s deep. I bet you can totally bang this chick.