Obama Meets With Destro

Callander, Scotland - U.S. President Barack Obama recently agreed to meet, “with no preconditions,” with international arms dealer and alleged terrorist Laird James McCullen Destro XXIV, commonly known simply as “Destro.”

"I must break you."

Destro, head of the Military Armament Research Syndicate (M.A.R.S.), was placed on Homeland Security’s supervillain watch-list during George W. Bush’s presidency. The Obama Administration has recently removed M.A.R.S. from the so-called “Bad-Guy List,” and made numerous diplomatic overtures towards the enigmatic steel-masked mercenary.

“The Destro Clan is a Clan of Peace, with a rich history of art, poetry, and above all, technical innovation,” Obama said upon arrival at Castle Destro in the Scottish Highlands. “The United States of America looks forward to what is sure to be a fruitful and long-standing partnership with this proud organization.”

M.A.R.S. spokesman Iron Grenadier #7465 stated, “The decadent imperialist fools of the so-called ‘great powers’ have grown weak and soft since their illusory victory in the ‘Cold War.’ All that has transpired has done so according to our design. Soon, we shall reign supreme. All shall be bloodshed and chaos, and the living will envy the dead.”

Numerous Foreign-Policy Realists have praised Obama’s policy shift. “The Bush Administration’s failures of diplomacy have made us less safe than ever,” said unassailable super-genius Brent Scowcroft. “Only by engaging moderates like Destro can we hope to move beyond the mistakes of the past.”

“It’s well-documented that Destro has double-crossed [international terrorist mastermind] Cobra Commander when it suits his purposes,” Scowcroft continued, “so clearly, we should just throw money at him until he’s willing to play ball.”

The State Department declared the summit a success, as Destro offered minor concessions, such as agreeing to limited U.N. inspections of suspected germ-warfare and Weather Dominator sites. But he refused any access to M.A.R.S.’s alleged Space-Based Sonic Death-Ray and Bioengineered-Manimal programs, flatly denying their existence.